Bipolar Depression

Hello, my name is Brianna and I'm really new to the whole bipolar world.

I'm 21 years old and have been dating a wonderful guy, off and on, for three years now. He is currently 25 and was just diagnosed BP only around a month and a half ago.

He and I had our ups and downs and for the first year and a half to two years it was fantastic...he showed none of the extreme symptoms of bipolar disorder. Then, just in this past year...BAM. It hit like an earthquake that doesn't stop shaking.

It started out just being a bit of depression...nothing unmanagable. He wasn't even on meds at the time. He wasn't self medicating, nothing. Then, all of a sudden some really messed up things happened. He and I broke up because I went away to school and he couldn't handle the long distance relationship..but continued an affair with me on his new girlfriend who he didn't even care about - it was just a warm body to have nearby so he wouldn't literally be alone. About two months later our affair ended and we werent even talking. Then, his six year old daughter, from a previous relationship, got molested by her Mom's boyfriend. He started dating a girl that was six or seven months pregnant at the time because he wanted to create a loving family environment for his daughter to be able to go to. Then, about two months after that, his father died in a car fire in the back parking of the house. His relationship with the pregnant girl ended badly because he ended up saying that he would marry this girl and be the father to her baby and dumped her a few weeks later because he decided that he didnt want that with her. Then, he came back to me...and a month after that all hell broke loose.

I had discovered that after he and I broke up he started self-medicating with pharmaceuticals and pretty much anything else he could get a hold of. (I truly believe that his self-medicating triggered the severity of his bipolar condition the way it is now.) He came back to me because I am the one that he truly loves and has truly felt happiness with and he feels like I can give him that back because after all that has happened he is in a severely depressed slump. He even admitted to me that I'm the only girlfriend that he has never cheated on and has no desire to cheat on. (even though I was a cheat-ee[?] with him at one point) I'm the only one that can get him to stop the self-medicating and get him to clean up and find purpose and drive for his life but for the past two or three months I can't even work the magic that I once seemed to possess with him. His mother ended up medicating him (with way too many xanax) because she is a nurse and thinks she knows everything...and he ended up going to a clinic where they finally diagnosed him. They had even started him on meds but we don't have insurance so he continues to self-medicate... and the sad thing is that when he gets in a rage that is the only thing that can help control him

It has gotten beyond bad....the arguing is every other day or so with very few days inbetween without fighting and it's gotten to be physical. Terribly, terribly, physical. I had to escape just about five hours prior to this post. He has nearly completely destroyed our home, threatened suicide, and says he never wants to see me again. The worst part is..that I know when he hits one of his highs again he will be begging for me back but at the same time crying and telling me that I should stay away because he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. He really does freak out about hurting me, which is kind of a shock....he has never hit anyone else in his life. He even becomes so afraid that he will hurt me again that he will tell me to leave while he is crying...then he gets into a rage and you can't stop him.

And before all this he was really peaceful and quiet...I mean for all the time that I knew him even before we were dating...nothing but a few smart remarks, nothing out of the ordinary. So, I'm wondering if there isn't a type of Bipolar Disorder that is triggered by Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? Anyone that knows him confirms what I've said about him being quiet and shy and nonviolent...even other girls that he's been in relationships with.

So, I guess my questions are:
-How do you ride out the rage cycles?
-Is there some Trauma Triggered type of Bipolar Disorder?
-How do you deal with all the negativity that BPs bring into your life?
-What does self medicating really do to BPs?
-How do you encourage them to get help? Especially when they are too stubborn and strong willed to accept ANY form of help...?

feedback is appreciated...unless you have nothing better to say than a bunch of judgemental crap. 'cause that's just not cool.

Brianna,
I'm not sure how much help I an offer, but I am relatively new to this forum as well. A few of the things you have said really struck home with me. I too deal with rage issues followed by periods of how much "he loves me, can't live without me...". I am constantly told how I am the first woman he has never cheated on, etc. I think these are probably very common attributes of the disorder...others with a better knowledge than myself can weigh in on that subject.

I have been married 8 years, with two young children. I always knew my husband had anger issues, but never saw any of the really bizarre behavior early on. In the past five years I've seen him fly into a rage over some of the silliest things. You just can't help but stand there and wonder what the hell is going on because no normal person would react the way they are reacting. You can't help but try to reason with them -- but then you realize that you CAN"T reason with them when they are in that state of mind. I don't do particularly well holding my temper when he flies into a rage at me -- something I'm working hard at. But, its so hard not to defend myself when I'm facing unbased accusations. For the sake of the children, I'm trying to not respond to hte rage...he'll follow me, continue to argue with me, etc.,...but eventually he leaves me alone.

I've found outlets outside the home to help reduce the stress...lots of friends and hobbies. Of course, that has created more turmoil at home because "I'm not giving him the attention he needs". But, I need the time away to keep my sanity.

My husband does not self medicate -- in fact, he is a pharmacist which makes it worse in some respects. He knows too much and is convinced he does not have a problem. He is very self-righteous, stubborn and unwilling to believe that he may be part of the problem. We have an appt. with a psychiatrist in two weeks. He plans to tell her how I am the problem, etc. He's convinced I'm cheating on him...though he has the track record of having cheated on every other woman he's been with. He's convinced I'm mismanaging the finances -- though he has run himself into debt many times and is a chronic over-spender and impulse buyer. He's started going through all my cell phone records, and or bank statements and has "taken me off our joint account" where all the money is so he can control the finances. But, he loves me and he only does these things because he loves me so much. It is really hard -- and sometimes you need to get away from it for a while just to keep your sanity. Fortunately, I have some very good friends I have confided in who help keep me in balance. I've started to email the "crazienss" to them and asked them to keep a file of those emails so I can read through them when I begin to question my own sanity. Of course, I need to delete everything I do because he's snooping through all my emails, phone calls, etc. to find evidence of wrong-doings. A friend has suggested I pursue a legal seperation so I can get some bearings again...becaue I can't see reality living in the same house with him. But, with two young children -- I'm not certain what the right decision is right now. I hope this has been some help to you...or at least insight that others experience similar problems...

I know what you mean. We don't have any children together but he wants to eventually get married and have just one more kid. But, then he backtracks and says that I'm going to do to him what his ex does to him...keeping his kid away from him. That is A LOT of what is sparking his depression right now. His ex is saying that she is a behavioral problem and needs counselling because her father has messed her up..but in reality its the situation with her and her boyfriend and the 4 other children that live with them in a 3 bedroom apartment that has caused the problem for her. When we have her she is fine. She is one of the most well behaved children and one of the smartest that I have ever met. So, that is a lot of what's getting to him right now. CPS has already been called and measures have already been taken but it's not acting fast enough and he gets so down because he can't do anything to speed it up or fix it.

The raging is rediculous...He thinks I've been hiding things from him and that I've been cheating on him..but the thing is I don't even have a job and I'm with him 24-7. He's just about pushed every friend he's ever had away except for two and then me. We're the only ones that really know whats going on and we're fighting for him. I've lost any concept of what taking control of a situation is. I have to call in back up help from one of our friends when things get so bad that I just can't handle it by myself anymore.

And the worst part of it is that I haven't read a single good-news post on here. Everything that I've read is advocating divorce and keeping children away from them. Get out while you can and find something better to do with your life- kind of thing.

I'm already realizing that I'm going to have to have my own bank account to take care of the finances and bills. He's a big impulse buyer..her feels better when he gets something new that he really wants. But, then all the money goes into that and we're left struggling to make ends meet. Plus, due to his raging all that stuff is gone anyway...he gets mad and trashes things and destroys them. Some things are irreplaceable and he knows this but doesn't care while he's in a rage. Then, later when he's calm it's all my fault.

A lot of times any real decision has to be made by him. And if I don't like it I can just leave because that's what I'll do anyway...at least according to him. It's a long line of extremes and ultimatums...it gets so tiring. I want him to seek help...I was going to see if my parent's insurance on me (because I have some feminine health issues that cost a lot of money to work on) would cover maybe somekind of therapy or counselling for me and that I could include him in my sessions...kind of maybe a loophole to try to get him to go to therapy? It's horrible that I have to conspire to do this..but I needed to know if it was a good idea...make it look like it's all for me and just include him in it?

The thing that I see with him as far as a pattern is concerned is that when things in his life are calm or looking up...he's fine...when he's got a job and things to occupy his time with he's fine. There's no drama, no rage, just a normal guy who loves his family. When he's down...all of that is gone. When things around him get rough...he gets down. And the drama just seems to gravitate to him....he doesn't even do anything to really spark it. He doesn't even have is own phone and his ex girlfriends start calling me on my cell and texting me like we're old buddies and all he is doing is just sitting at home all the time...with no way to contact them to start any of it. it's like when he's down everything comes at us from nowhere..When he's down he doesn't talk to anyone but me and our best friend Nate...so I know that there is no cause for any of this crap...it just comes I guess. I just want to know if there is anything I can do to try and make things better or at least seem like they are better so that I can at least not deal with the raging for a while...

Thanks so much for your input...it's great to actually talk to people who know more about this and experience it as well....it lets me know it's not in MY head...

The whole thing is indeed terribly physically and emotionally draining. I've been in the doghouse since Thursday...on and off. I work at a climbing gym part time -- its a great outlet and I have some great friends there. I fell tonight -- not a big deal. But, my climbing partner (who I trust completely) wasn't spotting me and I took a harder fall than I should have. Normally, I'd just give him crap about it and move on. But tonight it really shook all my confidence. This is one person I trust to always make the "catch" for me. He's never dropped me. And, as I said, this wasn't a big deal. But tonight it hit me that even this person has let me down. I didn't let on...but I was on the verge of tears. Since last Thursday, when my husband got back in town from a business trip, he has been going through my phone records, our bank records, my emails, etc...looking for evidence that I am either having an affair or mismanaging or money some how. We are in debt because of a business he wanted to start that I have been trying to clean up the mess from and the fact that he spends money when ever he gets depressed. Some women buy shoes when they get down -- he buys riding tractors! He told me he took me off our joint checking account (which I found out he can't do without my signature...but I'll go along with it for now) so he can monitor my spending (I DON"T SPEND!!) and now I have to come to him and ask him for money if I need to buy something. How insulting after 8 years of marriage that I have to ask for money to go buy groceries! I thought I was holding up pretty well and letting all this slide off my shoulders, but I guess the reality is that it is indeed taking its toll on me.

It is terribly draining. Luckily he's calmed down so much. The last fight we had something got to him and he's been understanding and not angry and knows why I get hurt and angry and he's genuinely trying here. I guess the rage is subsiding for now and things are starting to look up. I finally got a job and he's gotten an inquiry to an online application. So, I think thats boosting his positive energy as well. We are in horrible amounts of debt as well. I'm going to have to file for an extension or something for my student loans from school. Its going to be rough but I feel that if he's finally seeing some kind of up side to things that will keep him from being so...unmanagable? i guess.