Bipolar Depression

My husband is currently in involuntary care, has been there for 10 days and just received a court order for a 21 day extension. I just found out that he has bipolar and has had it for years. We have been together for 3 and 1/2 very wonderful and very loving years. I absolutely had no idea that he was bipolar. We also have a son who is almost 2. Until the last few weeks, my husband has been nothing but the most doting, caring father to our child and the best husband anyone could ask for. I truly thought we had the best relationship, we were so in love, everyone thought we were great together, etc.... Recently, there were some outside situations that I believe triggered my husband to go into an episode, including the cancer diagnosis of 2 of his family members, financial troubles and he was having trouble finding a job. I noticed his mood changing, he was becoming more controlling of me(always had been equals), bizarre behaviors, paranoia, etc... until once confronted(I sat down calmly and quietly to ask him about his behavior) he became very manic and somewhat violent to the point I had to have my family intervene to get myself and our son out of the house. Once we were out, he became much more manic, threatened suicide and the police were called by another family member. My concerns are, now that he is in the hospital, I have suddenly become the enemy, he wants a divorce, I am a bitch, I am brainwashed, on and on... he lost his phone priveleges and so I just today received an extremely hateful letter. I am so hurt and confused by all of this.... I don't understand how someone who loved me less than a few weeks ago has now grown this hostility and anger/hate for me? I feel completely blindsided by all of this and I want nothing more than for him to receive the help he needs. I am all for him coming back home and remaining in our lives, but afraid if he refuses to maintain medication that I will have to let him go for our safety. I love my husband very very much, never loved another man the way I have love him, but our son most definitely has to come first and I have to remain healthy for him. Please, does anyone have any advice or similar experiences? Should I believe the horrible things he is saying to me, or should I think that it is just the BP talking? I really do want to help him and want to give our family a shot if he will take meds necessary, etc... but I don't want to go through all of this pain if he really means the things he is saying to me right now and will just leave anyway once out of the hospital. When someone is having a bipolar episode, are the things they say and think true...are they things that have always been buried deep inside? Or are they just things said to hurt the ones they love because they are hurting and scared as well? Sorry to ramble, as you can tell I am just so in awe of this and very very confused right now. Thank you! ...Oh, I also had to sign an afadavit the night the police were called, which my husband now has a copy of, I wasn't aware that he would receive a copy of it(still wouldn't have altered anything I said) but now I feel like he is using everything I said against me...will he always harbor these resentments or will they subside when he is stablized? Will he remember the things he said and did, will he feel remourse and go into a depression? I have so many questions and concerns right now and am also currently seeking out a local support group for family members, but thought I would check online groups as well. Thanks again, any response would be appreciated.

Gemini,
For just going through the shock of all of this, it sounds like you are a very strong woman. It is right to protect yourself and your child. I feel things may work out for you since this might be your husbands first episode and he is getting help. If you read other spouses posts, most have gone through many episodes without a diagnosis and it seems to take about 10 yrs. for a spouse to recognize the cycles. My husband of 10 yrs. is going through a cycle right now. Each time it gets worse. He is in denial and I've been told the same nasty stuff of how he doesn't have any feelings for me. At least you recognize to hate the illness- not your husband. Read others posts by Bren and Ty. We all have similar stories. It looks like it is too late for my husband and I. I don't even know him at all. It looks like a divorce would be healthier for me and the children.(very odd thing to admit). Most of the stuff he is saying and doing I don't believe that they ever acknowledge it and the hurt they have caused because it seems like they don't remember or wasn't there. It is only when you tell them what they said and how much pain you were in. When is the right time to say all of this-I don't know I don't have any answers. Teach your family members as much as possible about bp so they will be mad at the illness and not your husband as long as he is willing to admit it and get help. Read my other posts for my story. Stay strong. You are almost half-way there. Most of our husbands are in denial and do not have a dx. I think that phase is the most horrible one. I wish my husband would do something to get himself help. But for now we wait and wait and wait and wait.

My husband is diagnosed bipolar for the last 10 years. He's on 600mgs lithium which has until recently curbed the highs and lows and the worst aspect was the dulling of his personality and general lethargy. He's just at the end (hopefully) of a hypo phase which lasated 4 weeks, which was different from previous ones. He's been going without sleep but then instead of crashing as before, he's caught up with sleep again and gone off again on the high. It's driving me mad and my kids are now noticing. I don't love him anymore and don't know now if I ever did. In hindsight he was high when I met him, high on our wedding day, and I wondered what I was doing there. But when not high and not low he's fine. Our daughteres - 15 and 10 years old - have now noticed and are wondering what's wrong with Daddy. I feel totally responsible for him. If we were to separate he would go to pieces I know because he depends on me for every decision. I left once before, before we had the kids and before he was diagnosed. He went to pieces, fell asleep drunk one night and slmost set the house on fire. Family persuaded me to go back. I did not know what I was dealing with. I feel trapped and that I'm wasting my life. He takes his tabs but is in denial about the real nature of this illness. He's bought into the "just like being diabetic" thing. Well it's not. Is there nayone out there in the same situation? I really need to moan to someone who understands!!! I've confided in some of our friends but this makes me feel disloyal and over-reacting. We have a "nice" life - nice house, area, friends, clubs, etc, and I don't want to collapse it on my daughters. I want him out but I don't want to lose the home we have which I paid for from earnings and inheritance. I feel like a bloody fool. I want to be cared for, minded. Sick of being the strong one. His family know but are useless. Anyone out there?

Val

Hi, I haven't posted in about a month. I just reread what I posted wow-how things change. I also have teenagers and know exactly what you mean when you say you don't know if you have ever loved him. All of the events in our live-trips, vacations, dinners- something felt odd. We all walked on eggshells. When the kids were young it was like Dad was so cool (a big kid) Now they are 14 and 16 and all of us except my husband realizes that there is something wrong. Just tonight he called and said he should get an apartment. I have been the strong one-the money maker-the caretaker- the fixer-upper etc. I too am very tired. But I have one more job to do- to get through a divorce financially and emotionally. You know when you are ready- when you can see that it would be much healthier. My family thinks this is all so weird- so do I. I was married before for 7 years. This is not the same. I don't even know my husband. He looks the same and talks the same but he is not there. I am so tired of being abandoned and rejected that I deserve better. He is in total denial. I'm not even sure if he was too seek help if I'd feel any differently? Hang in there. I will post again. We must be strong for the children. This weekend we are telling our kids about what is going on. I know in the long run he will eventually abandon them. The process has already started. The kids are so hurt.

Hi "You go girl" - thanks for your reply, and it is good to know there is someone else out there! You say your husband has found an apartment - was this his initiative? I can't see my guy doing that. He thinks we have a perfect marriage. How I don't know. We haven't slept together for months; when he's low he's not interested and when he's high I'm not - since he's so far away I feel he's making love -actually I mean f.. ing - and I use that word advisedly- someone else. Or himself. I feel like some sort of object. He does not seem capable of intimacy. Last night he was away on business, he did'nt call, unusually, and I wondered if he was with someone else. It would not bother me if he was; yet I did miss his presence in the house. I phoned him this morning and I could hear his thoughts racing in his voice. You know that edginess, rushed, snappy style, no listening going on?

On balance though I'd prefer if he'd stay away now for a while and if he told me he had met someone else I think I'd thank her to take over!!

Now I should confess my big secret - I have been in a relationship with another man for the last 6 years. Yes he's married, yes I know his wife, no, she has not got a clue, and yes it is physical, only very ocasionally ie 4times in last year, yes the sex is very satisfying , and yes we are close and talk every day and yes I am too dependent on him and no he will never leave his marriage and I'm not sure I would want that anyway. Maybe I just can't do relationships. I can have conversations with this other guy that I could not have in a million years with my husband. Maybe that was why I married him in the first place - I was on a rebound from a big hurt, and my husband seemed very safe. I know this other man I am involved with is safe to me too because I do not have to commit. And he is a lot older - Father figure???

I must sound like a complete slut but you have to understand that time with this other guy is like a break from my life, where I feel like i am on a permanent rollercoaster at that point when it's going to the top; or the edge of a cliff; or in an elevator going down with no brakes. With the other guy this feeling stops and I feel safe. As our relationship has developed over time it has developed in a quality that never happened with my husband.

Husband - let's call him Harry - is on medication but seems to be able to ignore the fact that the med is actually treating something.

Maybe I'm the basket case??

My Mom and Dad both died in the last year and I am really feeling it right now - no home to go to.

This is a moan - will come back when feeling better.

Imagine being married to someone you loved and loved you back, and getting closer all the time - lately I have been wondering what that might be like, and missing it.

He's just back from the business trip. Pacing around the house, muttering. Apparently trip was a huge success, Very Important People thought he was great.. he took loads of photographs, etc etc.
I thought he was crashing at the weekend but he keeps going. We were to go to a party on Saturday but we cancelled out. The couple holding the party, he's a psychiatrist, so for the first time I was able, and had the courage, to explain the problem within our community. He didn't seem surprised. He told me he thought I was doing the right thing staying home to let the crash happen.
I'm going to monitor the sleep pattern over the next few days and if it doesn't change then I'm gong to see the doc myself and ask for a referral to a specialist.

My husband was diagnosed bout a year ago after a psychotic episode brought on by drugs and alchol, turning 30 and the birth of our first child. He lost it and told me that he didn't love me, couldn't be with me etc etc. Throughout my pregnancy which was unexpected, his behaviour had become increasingly erratic and we kept having these bizzare conversations that went around and around in circles. I kept wondering what I was doing wrong! All my family and friends describe me as calm, relaxed, easy-going. I never yelled at him, called him names or anything but he kept telling me that I was treating him very badly. I felt as if I was walking on eggshells too!! I so relate to that! Any tiny critiscm was totally blown out of proportion and used against me constantly. Anyway, he was advised to take medication and seek ongoing psychiatric help which he completly ignored. Unfortunately he is a chronic alchoholic which intensifies his condition and after one too many a bender, my situation with him had become unlivable and I'm so concerned about bringing our son up in this crazy environment. I'm staying with my parents over easter and have given my husband an ultimatum 'get help or I'm not coming back'. He has told me that his condition is not a medical one but that an evil spirit is trying to possess him. So that's it. I can't go back to him until he gets help. I'm so sad. I do love him very much but until he gets the help he needs I can't keep going through this. His parents are very religious and don't believe in mental illness and may even be encouraging the whole 'possession' theory. Luckily, I have heaps of family support myself but I still feel sick to my stomach knowing there is a way out for him, that he can save his family and career and not loose his life completely to this illness he just needs to admit it exists! Sorry for crapping on so much. I just need to communicate with others who know how this feels.

Gemini,

I myself am in a similar situation. I met the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. She was the most loving, attentive person I have ever met. We seemed to click from the start, and things moved pretty fast. I love her with all my heart.
Suddenly, about 3 weeks ago, she became verbally abusive to me. I ignored it thinking that she was just having a bad day. Now she is alienating me. She told me that she has a lot to do in her house, and she has to give 100% to that chore. I understand it because her house does need to be tended to. She started so many projects, and they are all unfinished. Now the stress of everything is getting to her. I understand it, but I need love too. She now complains about the time we spend together. It takes her away from her chores. I made plans with my friends to go out, and she totally flipped out. The verbal abuse was too much to tolerate.I assured her that I was just going to watch someone sing, and she accused me of being sneaky. I should have asked her to go, but she works on the night we were going. She didn't want to see me on her day off, but she said I should have asked her to come, she could have taken off. I feel like there is no winning with her. She sent nasty text messages to me the whole night, but in between the nasty messages, she wished me a happy easter. The first text she sent said her friends were going and maybe we will all see each other. I was on edge all night. Then she called me and blasted music into the phone, but never answered me when I answered the phone. She hung up. I called back and she never answered when I called her back. I ended up leaving and I was home by 11:30. When I woke up, there were text messages that about me being sneaky, she broke up with me, and I haven't heard from her.
Now, we went from bliss to this. It is so frustrating. Her brother is bipolar, and her behavior is now showing that she is. I am terrified to bring it up. I can't sleep, trying to understand what is happening. I don't know what to do. I love her, but I don't know if this is the person I fell in love with anymore. Do I just stay away for now? Wait for this to pass? I am clueless.

My 71 yr. old dad was just diagnosed with bipolar disorder about 6 weeks ago after MONTHS of erratic behavior that was totally uncharacteristic for him. We lost my mom 2 1/2 yrs. ago to a malignant brain tumor, and my dad has never been the same since. He was in an awful state of depression for 2 solid years, barely leaving his house except for weekly grocery shopping and to come to my house.

Last October he said he was starting to feel better and wanted to start getting out. We all thought, "great"! Dad is feeling better! For the first few weeks I thought he seemed a bit OVERLY happy but just kind of ignored it, until he called me one morning and was a wreck about an innapropriate comment he told me he had made to my son's 17 yr. old girlfriend (this comment was made to her about her and my son "being together" if you know what I mean. As iF that wasn't strange enough on its own,,, he made this comment in front of her parents!!! Since that point, things completely snowballed. The constant talking from one subject to another and another without anyone being able to get a word in---the angry, belligerant outbursts---telling me he hates me, I'm trying to run his life--going from laughing to crying to laughing. For a while, he was ready to sell his house every other week because all his friends thought he was a "wacko" and he wanted to move to another town where he could get respect.

Even though he has been on depakote for 6 weeks now, he is in denial that anything is wrong, claiming he has been like this all his life and doesn't want to stop feeling like he's feeling. I go to the doctor with him every 2 weeks and ask question, but I would like to know from someone who has been through it-----When the hell do the meds really kick in!!!!!!! And will I ever get my REAL father back?? I thank God that I have a great support system in my husband and my dad's sister, but my stress level is through the roof!

I would love to get some feedback and advice from someone who has been there.

Thanks for letting me vent!!!!!

Poor poor you.

Explain to the girlfriend's parents - you can relate it to his bereavement. Then wait for the meds to kick in, or get them changed.

I think older people's eccentricities are tolerated more easily but inappropriate behaviour is demeaning for him as well as awquard. He does seem to be aware of what he said?

Maybe some bereavement counselling in the guise of helping the counsellor to help others ffeel as good as he does might work? I have found that subterfuge is often both necessary and useful, sadly.

Dear Gemini and Michele
My story is very similar to you and to many women I met in my support group. My husband was diagnosed Bipolar for about 2 years. And I don’t want to repeat my store since it is more or less like yours. I have a 2 year old daughter and live few blocks away from my husband now.
I want let you konw, is that you need care, love and attention way more than your family right now; because you will and have to be the strong one to holding all this together. I am doing much better now even during the time; like right now; my husband has his manic episodes. The thing that helped me was I keep telling myself that “I want to be happy”, and wrote it down, and repeat the idea every day. I need to be happy for my baby; I need to be happy for my baby. And family and friends are my best support. Learn to tell everything, tell people every thing what happened in the family, there is noting to hide, and you can’t hide because you are not dealing with your beloved husband right now, but his illness. Your husband loves you, and he will always love you, but not his illnesses. Least thing, I have to tell you, it was Reiki helped me in a great way.
I want to writ you more, but now I have to go back to work. I will keep in touch with you.

Oh where should I begin? I have been married to my husband for almost 17 years. 17 long years. He was diagnosed with bipolar illness almost ten years ago and for some reason I am still married. I think I am a bit numb. After yet another evening filled with being mean to me and blaming me for basically everything negative in the world, I decided to check the Internet to see if anyone else is experiencing the same roller coaster ride I am. Low and behold... I fortunately stumbled upon this site. Hopefully this will prove to be slightly theraputic. Most of the time I try to be positive, but sometimes I just don't have the energy. Tonight would be one of them. I am just a bit tired of being blamed for things I do not even do. I decided to watch a movie to help me zone, and it ended up depressing the heck out of me. Of course it was a romantic movie which made it actually seem possible that there are men in the world who might actually appreciate a woman. Are there really men in the world who would be enjoyable to be in a relationship with? Sometimes I daydream about that. Oh well... just thought I would touch base. Thanks for allowing me to vent.

So many of these stories sound familiar. Here is my quickie version. Wonderful man, had a manic episode and had to be hospitalized (he only hated me while in the psych ward, forgave me after coming out). Now we are on the "ride" & in the middle of a low right now. I have a 2 year old daughter to protect.

Has anyone tried family therapy to help? That is my next step but, if that were to fail my back would really be against the wall.

Sekmet
I have a 2 year old daughter too. Family therapy will not help becase when he in a manic eqisode he is other person, so there is no family to talk about.

Try every way to take care your self, for your baby, you have to. things are better for me now, and it will be better for you. But you have to take care your self. Took me one year to learn.

you will be happy very soon

I don't really have any answers - I am looking for them myself, but I can relate. My husband is also the love of my life and everything has been wonderful up until a few weeks ago. He has not become violent but he has withdrawn from me and my children and pushed us away. 2 days ago I found out from him ex wife that he was diagnosed with bipolar over 7 years ago. I assume he has gone from Manic to a mixed or depressive state because all of a sudden he looses his job and is currently not the man I married in anyway. I am very sorry about your situation, my heart goes out to you. It's nice to know we are not alone.