Bipolar Depression

My husband and I have been separated for two years or so, mostly due
to his bipolar behavior. It was, throughout our marriage, all of
the usual things that bipolars do, partying, drinking, no meds,
infidelity, irresponsbility etc. He has had about 7 jobs in 7
years, possibly more. For the last seven years he has been on meds,
but drinking quite heavily for most of that time. About a month
ago, he had a serious crash, not able to get out of bed, crying, not
eating or drinking etc. I got him to the doctor and he put him
Lexipro and a higher dosage of Risperdal as well as Ambien. He says
he has not been drinking with these, the doctor told him "no
alcohol" and I told him that it would be very dangerous to drink
with these meds. The meds have been working really well, he has
been doing so much better, then today he texts me that he is going
down again. God, I hate this. Every time this happenss, it fills
me with panic and fear. I am afraid he will lose his job and be out
on the street, of course, I couldn't let that happen, so I would
have to step in and take him on financially. I am in a relationship
with someone else right now, who is very understanding, but this is
playing havoc with my head and stress levels and it's got to be
spilling over into my relationship. Feel like I can't take this
much more. I don't want to desert him, or leave him on his own, but
this is so draining. Don't know what to do.

Hi
I just want to say from experience if he knows he's going down he knows he needs to go to the doctor. He needs to be responsible for himself and not be a burden to you. I know I might sound mean but I'm bipolar. So I've been through it from his side. If I can tell my meds aren't working properly I go to the doctor.

Dr.:

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know that you must have a really big heart to want to continue to help him even though you are trying to move on. Does he have any family or friends who could help him instead of him burdening you? I agree with John's girl that it is his responsiblity to go to the doctor if he needs help. My husband and I are separated and I cut him off completely for several months. Then when I did talk to him the conversation was all about him and his disorder (the one that he refuses to get treatment for). This angered me and I told him he needed to find someone else to help him resolve his issues possibly a friend could go with him to the psychiatrist or something. You can't be his doctor. To take some of the stress of of you maybe you could direct him to his psychiatrist and try to set up limits with him. Also you stated that he was parting and being unfaithful.......where are all his buddies and women at now that he is going down??

Hi givenup,

Thanks for the reply. No, unfortunately, we are pretty much alone here in the States. We are from Southern Africa, moved here 7 years ago. He has two brothers, one in Hawaii, the other in the UK, so they aren't much use. Of course, all the party friends and other women have long ago got tired of the whole thing and turned their back. He does have one friend who sticks by him, and I talk to his friend and we kind of buddy-buddy a bit. I am grateful for that, because although it isn't much, it has helped to take some of the pressure off of me. I guess my problem, like so many others on here, is that I love my husband very much. I just am afraid that my future with him is destined to go down, down, down. I find it so difficult to be in love with someone, but not be able to be with them because they are not healthy for me to be too close to. He struggles to stay in a job, and I am afraid this will get worse as he gets older. I have stuck in there for 15 years, and my life has gotten no better, only worse, but for all of that, I still love him.

Hi johns_girl,

THanks for your reply above. Since you have bipolar I wondered if I could ask you a question. It is something that really bothers a lot of us BP SO's. How responsible for your actions are you when you have bipolar? In other words, when you are manic and the hypersexuality, intense energy etc. has kicked in, can you control your behavior? It seems as though nearly all bipolar's have the same behavioral issues, and we non-bp's get confused (at least I do) as to what is uncontrollable (the illness) and what is just bad behavior. I hope this doesn't offend you in anyway, it isn't meant to, it is just trying to get an insider's honest point of view.

Hi DR
Sorry it took this long to respond. I hope you still get this. It takes a bunch to offend me so don't worry about ever asking me anything. First of course I have to say it's different for everybody. It's very hard to explain. I firmly believe that no matter what BPs are responsible for their actions. That might make some people mad and some may disagree and that's fine. My moods I can't control and sometimes I'm hateful and don't care about anybody or anything. I don't have to scream or hit or threaten a bunch of stupid stuff. Plus being hypersexual doesn't mean I have to sleep with strangers or cheat. You have have sex with your SO a bunch instead of cheating. I made bad decisions and hurt people when things were bad. I did leave one man for another but I blame that on bad judgment not bipolar. I don't know if mostly I'm rambling and if I am I'm sorry. I'll try to clarify if you want me too. I have been in rages before and I have had psychotic episodes. My old life was ravaged by my disease.

Hi johns_girl,

Thanks for your reply, I appreciate it. I think I understand, it's just very difficult to know from outsiders point of view about all of this stuff. For instance, last night my ex's friend and I got a puppy for him. We asked him to take it just for a few days and try and see if he coped well, if he liked it etc. He loves animals, but everytime I suggested he get a dog he says he can't take care of it. So, we thought if we could just get him to try it for a few days, he would see it isn't that hard and it would bring him alot of enjoyment and happiness. Anyway, he turned it down flat. He refused to have anything to do with it, and said again that he can't take care of it. I just don't understand that kind of thing. I accepted it, because obviously it is his decision, but I don't understand it. On the other hand, he has never taken care of anything that I know of in his life. He didn't take care of me in our marriage, he doesn't take care of his things, his car, his bicycle etc. and he doesn't take care of himself to a large extent, so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised.