Bipolar Depression

I have a friend who is BP. I've known him for three years, and we dated off and on for a couple of them. We broke up several times, as I was "too good" for him, or he just stopped loving me, or he thought I "deserved better." I chalked it all up to symptoms of his BP disorder, as once he was out of his manic or depressed phase, he would always want me back. I'm not pretending to be an expert by any means, but I have done about three years of research on the subject. We are now just friends, as I still want to be there for him, but can't get causght up in the on again off again of a relationship.

The thing is...now that we are just friends, just as he did when we were together, when he hits a depressed phase, I am the person he shuts out and ignores. When his depression starts, he'll tell me that he can feel it coming on, and that he just doesn't really care about anything. He tells me how he's feeling, but once he does, it's like I know now...so he can't associate with me. I want to help, but have learned, over the last three years, that my "help", constant calling to check in, sending silly little texts to make him smile, only make him feel worse. So, I'm not sure what to do. Should I just leave him alone? Should I keep checking in; because maybe in the back of his mind, it does make him feel better to know that I care?

Also, the pattern he's displayed over the past three years...he's hypomanic, tons of fun, spontaneous, life of the party, then he goes to a bit of a "normal" phase, where he's still fun, but not as charismatic as when hypomanic, then he gets depressed, where he's aggitated, sad, and withdrawn. This time though, he mentioned that he usually wakes up one morning and is depressed...but this time, it seems like he doesn't know from hour to hour. Can the phases change over time...can he now be a rapid cycler? I'm not as familiar with that type of BP.

Oh, and he is not medicated. When I bring it up, he refuses to talk about it, and gets very angry with me for accusing him of being "crazy."

While I'm no expert on BP, I've had similar things happen to me with a boyfriend and a guy friend. The boyfriend, who was pressuring me and rushing me to move to another state to live with him just said one day that he "needed to work things through" and I never heard from him again. That was almost a year ago. He did not answer any of my emails (I gave up after 3 weeks) and was non-responsive when I called him. I think, he was hypomanic when we met - he told me he loved me in under 3 weeks, pushed his house keys on me (and he lives in another state!), bought me expensive things that he couldn't afford, put up huge pictures of me all over his apartment, paraded me around and introduced me to everyone he knows and works with (including his parents and children) and said we should look at engagement rings. All this in only 2-1/2 months! I kept telling him to slow down.

The guy friend at least left me a phone message that he needed some time to himself for now (we only used to talk a couple of times a week and he used to come by without calling once a week or two just to visit). When I called him back, he told me he had tried to text me with the message that he couldn't talk to me but it wouldn't go through, so I got the impression that it was just too much trouble to express himself. He didn't even want to leave me a voice mail, he just wanted to blow me off in a text. I've known him for 15 years and this is the third time he has done this. The longest time he didn't talk to me was 7 years.

What I don't understand is that these two men can go out and party and do their activities with people who are more like acquaintances and not really good friends. But they couldn't even check in with me periodically. I even extended an offer to the boyfriend that we could just be "friends". These were both men who I was very emotionally intimate with. They used to talk to me about very deep, personal things and I think they just didn't want to have to think about reality for a while. And, they knew that I am not just a "fun and games" kind of girl/friend/girlfriend.

Neither one of them were diagnosed with BP, but I suspect from their behavior that they are both BP II. Well, to be honest, the guy who was my good friend may have been BP I. They both had money problems, addictions, rocky relationships and job issues. The guy who was BP II (boyfriend) told me that he took heavy doses of antidepressants for his severe OCD ruminations. The BP I guy (my buddy) never said he took any meds, but he used to self-med with prescription drugs. They are both very intelligent and multi-talented. The boyfriend was/is a surgeon who went to Ivy league schools.

My advice would be to leave him alone. My boyfriend disappeared when I was noticing things and bringing them to his attention. He had really misrepresented who he was and what he stood for. My guy friend disappeared a few months after the boyfriend. One week he was consoling me about my boyfriend and showing up on my doorstep just to give me a hug and the next week he broke up with his girlfriend of 9 months and stopped talking to me. And, he changed professions again. He's had three careers in the last year and lost money in all of them. This latest "career" is that he wants to have a radio show and he was trying to win some contest to be a guest host on some radio program (this was after spending yet more money to go to *broadcasting* school for a few months). BTW, they are both around 50 years old.

My take is that the two of them don't want to be around anyone who "knows where the bodies are buried", etc.

Your friend knows you care for him, he knows you're there for him. If and when he feels up to it, he will make contact with you again. I'm curious to know if he's keeping up with other, less important friends in his life who perhaps don't know him as well as you do. Is he going out and hanging with people, going to work, etc. Or is he just laying in bed all day depressed and can't talk to only YOU?

Chatty~

He does still go to work, goes out with friends, hangs with other people. It is just me that is shut out...it's ALWAYS me!!! It's not a healthy relationship by any means. I know, in my brain, that I need to just cut him out of my life, as he causes me more woe than my fifty grand in student loans...haha. I know this. I wish I could. But there is some unhealthy co-dependence that even I recongnize. I'm an intelligent person, have done my research, know it's in my best interest to just cut him out of my life altogether and spare myself the heartache. The thing is...I fear that he could be suicidal at times. He has talked to me about it on many occasions. People can tell me to leave and think of myself all they want, and I know they're right, but I CAN'T. I could never live the rest of my life "normally," have a happy life if he ever killed himself. I know, again, in my brain, that it would not be my fault. But I know myself, and know that it would plague me for the rest of my life...I would in some way feel there was more I could do, especially if I just let him go. I feel like I can't win here, and never will. It's kind of a hopeless feeling. I don't know what to do. But this has been three years of my life. And as pathetic as I probably sound here...I used to be the most independent person ever!!! Now, I feel like this pathetic person, who has dedicated my life to someone who probably, even though I know deep down he does, acts like he couldn't give two sh*ts about me. Therapy...yes, it would be welcomed...but one, I have those student loans, am an adjunct college instructor, barely making over minimum wage, with no benefits, and could never afford it, and two...I live in a small town surrounded by smaller towns, where there are no places to go for therapy. I am basically at my wits end. Sorry to drone...but I'm sure you know...when dealing with a BP loved one...there doesn't seem to be many outs. Thanks for responding!!!

Hi Micah,

Interesting how they can continue on with their lives and just not talk to us, isn't it? Neither of the two guys who disappeared on me ever expressed any desire to end their lives - they are both W-A-A-A-Y too narcissistic for that! This also happened to me 15 years ago with another guy who extolled his undying love for me, gave me an expensive diamond bracelet, was moody for a few weeks and then abruptly stopped talking to me altogether, his only explanation was "we crashed and burned". We had not "crashed and burned" - the only thing that was going South was his attitude and demeanor and it was inexplicable! He went from being madly in love with me to not speaking to me at all in a matter of a few weeks. I didn't know what "hypomanic" was back then, but he had many other symptoms that I now know are part of BP. I never recovered from that relationship and told his latest boyfriend the entire story. Little did I know that he would do the exact same thing! Both relationships lasted under 3 months and they were the only two men who I thought ever really loved me. They both seemed to adore me to pieces. One called me his "darling", the other one called me his "angel".

Your situation is different. Both of my guys disappeared and never came back. The one guy friend comes and goes, but it's OK with me. It would be different with a boyfriend. I appears that you are co-dependent with your boyfriend. You enable him to behave this way with little or no responsibility for the consequences. You show over and over again just how much you care for him, but, how does he show how much he cares for you?? I wish either of my guys had stayed around long enough (or came back) so that I could have discovered this aspect of their personalities. Then I could walk away and never look back. But, they both just turned "off" very abruptly, leaving me to constantly wonder if it was something that I had done.

I completely understand your financial situation. Perhaps you can find a "CODA" meeting nearby. It's for people who are co-dependent - or maybe an "alanon" meeting (that's for people who are the significant others of alcoholics). I'll bet there's an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting somewhere nearby and they usually have contacts to refer you to the other 12-step programs. You need to disconnect yourself from this man before he destroys you. He should either get regulated through medication/counseling or find another woman to be codependent with. Seriously, do you want to spend the rest of your life dealing with this same behavior pattern over and over again?

Forget about the charisma. Find yourself a nice, stable guy and go and live your life. Both of my BP boyfriends seemed quiet, intellectual and introspective when I met them. They were never "life of the party" types. That's why their change in demeanor and disappearances were so shocking and emotionally devastating to me. In both cases, I thought I had finally found a man that I was "safe" with.

This man is not your husband and you have no children with him. OK, so you feel responsible for him .... you want to *help* him, but he doesn't want your help. Plus you have to enforce rules and consequences and if he can't follow them, he's on his own. If he attempts suicide, let him deal with it on his own. He is manipulating you!

You only get one life and it only goes in one direction. If you screw up, you don't get a *do-over*! Do you really want to spend your life with someone who won't be there for you when you really need HIM? Don't you want a relationship that goes both ways? You sound like an intelligent, educated woman - think about yourself and your future and cut him loose if he can't comply with your needs.

And, good luck to you. You will need it.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: chattycathy,