Bipolar Depression

I'm really questioning if maybe I have this all wrong. I really think/though my husband was BP, now I'm doubting myself. The past three weeks the sh*& has hit the fan at home. He dropped the bomb that he has been tracking my email correspondence for 7 months. And, of course, he has seen some very unsavory things in those emails to friends as I vented about what I considered to be irrational behaviors. Additionally, we are three years into a business he wanted to start and he is livid about my relationship with our business partner (who had been a long-time friend of his and a former co-woker of mine) who he is convinced I am having an affair with. Six months ago, I took a part-time job at a gym -- which I LOVE! He's been crazy with jealousy from the start.

The past three weeks I have been under a magnigying glass because he is convinced that I am constantly lying and hiding things -- leading a secret life. I admit there is some truth to that...I have learned not to tell him everything because little things turn into HUGE arguments. I guess he is right, I haven't been totally honest about things. Maybe it is an excuse -- maybe he is right, but when I am honest about things -- it gets twisted into something REALLY BAD. And, it seems as though there is always a shread of "reality" to every accusation he makes -- but in my mind, the average person would not react the way he does.

FOR EXAMPLE: Our biz partner has known him many years and knows how he can be -- and has seen how he can treat me (because we have worked together in one capacity or another almost my entire marriage). I confided in him -- which I guess was wrong -- but I think most people do that to some extent. We work well together and think similarly -- which immediately created a conflict when we started the business because now it was me and the partner AGAINST my husband. So, early on it became a major issue at home and in the biz and he was convinced we were trying to undermine him, take all the money, steal the business, etc. About 8 months ago my partner confided that his feelings went beyond friendship -- I told my husband thinking that honesty was the best policy -- told him how I handled the situation, assured him there was no mutual feelings (THERE ARE NOT) -- put everything out on the table. Boy, did that backfire! It created a terribly hostile environment -- but unfortunately, we are on the hook for A LOT of money with this business, and I can't just walk away from it. And, since he refuses to work with our partner -- I have to do so. And, because every other day he is threatening to do something to destroy the business and our finances -- I've had to continue to confide in our partner about things to protect everyone. It's a terrible spot that i don't want to be in. So, anyway...do I have lunch (we both work other jobs -- so we don't see each other to discuss these things face to face) with this partner occasionally to discuss business issues -- YES. Do I always tell my husband -- NO. It isn't worth the pain of telling him and being grilled about it for a week. so now I am guilty of "clandestine trists" with our partner which I have kept from him.

#2. Love my part time job at the gym...work with mostly men -- most of which are 10+ years younger than I am. I manage a climbing wall -- I have a younger guy (co-worker) as a climbing partner. He knows all these people -- I try to include him with this group. He refuses. I've tried to do everything I can to make him more comfortable with these people -- he HATES them -- because i am having an affair with ALL OF THEM.

He found out that I went to another gym to climb with my climbing patner while he was gone on business. No, I didn't tell him I was going because I knew he'd go CRAZY. Wrong not to tell him -- yes. But, if you knew all the other crazy accusations I face every day, you'd understand why I didn't.

In the past three weeks he has accused me of just insane things -- and been convinced I am lying to him, becaue I've lied (actually, just been selective about what I've told him) to him about other things.

But, as bad as things are now -- and as guilty as i may be of withholding information, I keep trying to remind myself that his behavior hasn't been right for years. He's made crazy accusations about me before my job at the gym, before the business partner, before all of this. He is so stinkin' paranoid about everything that I've tried to lessen the accusations I face by not telling him everyting -- well that has pretty much backfired on me now. Now it is worse than ever.

So now, in his mind, it has nothing to do with his paranoia -- it is all about trust issues that I have created. We don't need him to see a psych -- we need a marriage counselor so I can start to rebuild his trust in me. I HAVEN"T DONE ANYTHING WRONG!

he accuses me of "abandoning" the family because I'd rather spend time at my "low paying" job at the gym and go do my hobbies with friends. Hell, yes, I would. If I stay at home I'm just living in a nut house with constant accusations.

It's a vicious circle. I"m ready to call an attorney about a seperation -- but, now I'm feeling guilty because I have been the one who hasn't been honest with him about EVERYTHING and maybe I'm the reason for a lot of this paranoia. I'm so lost...

Hi Stonecold

I've never been married and am no expert on marriage dynamics, but it seems as if you and your husband are no longer on the same "team". It appears as though you are now adversaries. I think the idea about going to the marriage counselor is a good one. Regardless of whether or not he is BP, the two of you need to be on the same side.

Maybe you and he can think of a hobby that would put the two of you together. Like taking a class together or sailing lessons or one of those movie classes or clubs where you see the movie and then there's a discussion afterward. Or, how about taking a class in massage and then you can go home and practice afterward.

I know all of this is easier said than done. Maybe the marriage therapist can make a few suggestions. And, would it be possible for you to get a female climbing partner? Men can be weird about their woman hanging out with another man - especially doing such a trust-evoking physical activity. (If your husband still gets jealous if you are climbing with a female, then you will know he is nuts!) Does he have any friends that he does activities with? A golfing buddy? Someone who comes over to watch "the game"? Maybe you could cook up something and he could invite "the guys" over to watch a game or play poker or something?

Lunch with the business partner is another thing entirely - maybe you can convince your husband the he needs to attend these working lunches if he is so concerned that there is "hanky-panky" going on. And telling your husband that the business partner is "interested" in you probably wasn't a good idea. If anyone else becomes interested in the future, it might be prudent to keep your distance and keep quiet about it.

It sounds like you are having a hard time and you have my sympathies.

CC

SC,

I believe honesty in a relationship is essential. Love flows from trust and respect; both these elements develop from honesty. There should be no secrets between spouses in a successful marriage.

It seems each BP SO deals with his/her situation differently. In my case, I was at work 12 hours a day and only interested in spending my evenings and weekends with the kids. In fact, she resented the attention I gave to them rather than to her business. However, it also had the fortuitous consequence of providing me with alibis; she always knew where I was, and so did my relatives and co-workers, nearly all the time. My wife can try to accuse me of cheating on her, of being verbally and physically violent, etc. but would run into a brick wall of honesty and cold, hard facts in my defense. Even when there was the possibility of her beating herself up -- in order to have me arrested on false charges of assault -- I was always with someone. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, perhaps you should ensure you're never alone with a man, or always meet male acquaintances in public places. Don't provide your husband with any more opportunities to hurl allegations of infidelity at you.

You're in an enviable position, believe it or not: able to get a separation or a divorce and in all likelihood obtain custody of the children and support. Document his threats and attempts to cut you off financially, his invasion of your private correspondence (probably not illegal, but tracking it for seven months without telling you is highly unethical), his irrational and indiscriminate accusations of infidelity and financial chicanery, etc. and take down the names of witnesses who are willing to corroborate your statements. Show that everything you've done thus far is a reaction to his behaviour -- that it was your husband who created unusual situations which elicited responses atypical of you.

Look, it seems that whether your husband is BP or not, life is hell for you and the children. Since you don't have the means to simply walk away, a legal separation, based on irreconciliable diffrerences, may be your best option. The distance should clear everyone's minds -- at the very least your own. It may take a few months or years before events unfold in such a way as to help you decide what to do once and for all; but the kids need a stable and loving environment, not one where the parents are engaged in war, whether hot or cold.