Bipolar Depression

Hello all. Nice to virtually meet everyone. This is my first post. I have been trying to make the rounds of different boards to learn as much as I can.

My wife was recently diagnosed as Bipolar II. She had previously been treated for severe ongoing depression, and after a steady decline since late spring, she began to forego sleeping and eating.

I’m in the position of coexisting peacefully with her, but not really spending time with her, even just talking or watching a movie to help her relax. However, she’s more than happy to throw a girl’s night party for her work friends. I of course am not invited, but I’m not a woman, so no sweat. I’m even doing the shopping for the party and getting the house in order in preparation—I am excited that she’s interacting with people.

But I miss her. I feel shut out.

Perhaps I’m reading into things. Maybe I’m not creating a safe enough environment for her. All I know is that when I try to reach out, suggest we do something together to take her mind off things, or just talk, it seems like she'd rather not, for whatever reason. And I get that she needs some time away from stressors. I've struggled with major depression for years myself, so I know what that dark place can do to people. I'm just getting to know the manic flipside.

I'm putting myself out there for her, but maybe she's just not ready. This really hurts.


Ryno

ryno,

been where you are. Click on my name and read my other posts if you want to see the whole story. There are MANY similar stories on this forum.

My best advice for you is to take care of yourself.

If you have kids, take care of them.

Here is what I have learned:
-It is not your fault.
-It is not your fault.
-It is not your fault.
-Do not make your life dependent on your bipolar wife.
-She will do what she will do.
-She will get treatment if she decides to.
-You cannot make her well.
-You cannot force her to get treatment.
-You cannot make her love you if she has decided she doesnt.

The first 3 items on the list are the most important items I learned. Yes they are all the same. It is not your fault. The cause is a terrible disease and you, as the spouse of a bp, have no control over her decisions or actions. You need to focus on yourself and others affected by her bp (as in kids if you have them).

She may get help and treatment. If so you will be very lucky. But also she will be very unusual if she does that. If she does not get treatment, life will be very difficult for you.

It is not your fault. Take care of yourself.

jsmith

Hi jsmith,

That is EXACTLY what I needed to hear, thank you. I have been doing a lot of "am I to blame" thinking. This is probably because if I can somehow shift the blame to myself, I can pretend to "control" what happens and make things right again. Of course, this notion is ridiculous. It just felt too powerless to watch it happen.

Again, it's good to hear that others know too well the feeling of self-blame.

We don't have kids, which I'm thankful for at this point. Just trying to get her at least stabilized.

Thanks much.

ryno,

glad it was helpful. It is very hard to remember that it's not your fault - even when you know its true.

over 5 years out from my own life changing events and my logical self still needs to remind my emotional self of it sometimes. Can be very hard to keep everything in perspective at times. Keep in mind that your relationship with your bp spouse is likely to be different in the future depending on her treatment decisions. I hope it all works out for you better than it did for me.

Diagnosis early and acceptance of the diagnosis by the bp sufferer are very important. Never happened until too late for my bp ex spouse and thats why we are ex spouses.

Take care and good luck