Bipolar Depression

Hi everyone and thank you for the support you have already give me. I have just had my extremely loving and affectionate boyfriend of only 2 mos disappear with no trace. I have a huge post on this under "should I stay or should I go", please read and any comments are appreciated. I was swept off my feet, but didn't believe it was real and it turns out it wasn't. I kept telling him that I was wary because it was too much, too fast, but he and all my friends kept reassuring me that real love could indeed happen this fast!

I would love to hear from not only non-BP's, but from BP's as well, so that I may gain an understanding as to what happened here.

I am having a lot of issues with my friends who are not supportive because I don't think they realize what happened. It's not that my boyfriend abruptly broke up with me, it's that he's a DIFFERENT PERSON!!!!!

11 days ago I heard this strange voice on the phone saying that he needs "his space" and needs "to work things through" and ever since then my heart has been pounding when I wake up in the morning. I wake up not knowing who I am or where I am or what is real or what is not! Only two days before his "change", we did have a rather heated conversation, but I hung up with the impression that we had worked through it. Then I just didn't hear from him, so I called and he was SOMEONE ELSE!!

He has almost all of the hypomanic symptoms: money problems, compulsive shopping, overblown romantic notions (love letters, reassurances of love, pushing me to move in with him, introducing me to everyone he knows, huge pictures of me all over his apt, etc.) that came too soon, addiction to cigarettes and caffeine (lots and lots of caffeine), hardly eats, hardly sleeps (and talks in his sleep), lots of employment issues (and he is a brilliant surgeon!), disorganized household & life, etc. I don't think he has ever been formally diagnosed, but he did tell me in passing that the shrink he was seeing with his wife (his divorce was final in June 07) thought he may be hypo-manic. He is already on heavy duty meds for OCD, but is very, very intelligent and high-functioning.

I didn't start noticing how bad it was until I just spent 2 weeks with him (he lives in another state) barely 3 weeks ago. All I tried to do was help him and provide a calming atmosphere. Everyone thinks he just dumped me because I pushed too hard. I think he was in a manic phase is now in a depressed one because I brought his problems to the forefront and tried to talk about them, plus a patient of his almost died after a perfect surgery (which he let me watch - could he be rejecting me because of a superstitious thing because the surgery I watched went bad?).

If I had heard "my guy" on the phone telling me that "this just wasn't gonna work out for him" I would be heartbroken, but not feel like I'm in the TWILIGHT ZONE. The voice and person on the other end of the line were not recognizable to me!!

Is this how everyone else felt when their honey changed phases? I had no idea what was wrong with him until I read one of his early love letters to a friend of mine and my friend asked "is he bipolar?" Then I started doing research! I'M GOING NUTS! I can't eat or perform daily tasks or think about anything else than what the hell happened here. I just can't wrap my brain around it and the only help I've been getting is from this website!

PLEASE, PLEASE HELP ME UNDERSTAND WHY THIS HAPPENED TO ME! I was so scared and wary and he knew it and he did this to me anyway. How could someone do this to another human being?

This message has been edited. Last edited by: chattycathy,

Chattycathy,

very sorry for your pain.

Similar "leaving" experience for me - only it happened after 20 years and 2 kids. I had some emails from my BP ex that I also shared with a friend. Same question from the friend "Have you ever heard of bipolar?" along with some pamphlets explaining the disease.

Your first question: "Is this how everyone else felt when their honey changed phases?" Answer: Yes it is how others have felt. Many of them have posted on this forum.

YOur second request: "PLEASE, PLEASE HELP ME UNDERSTAND WHY THIS HAPPENED TO ME!" My answer: After nearly 5 years of considering this question I have two answers for myself. 1) Bad luck 2) Another friend has observed that I seem to be attracted to women who are "kind of out there". By that they mean unusual, exciting, achievers etc etc.

More advice:
-Consider yourself extremely lucky to discover the BP condition after only two months
- Do not attempt to get back together with this person. Get them out of your life
- Forget those "friends" who are blaming you. Get new ones.
-Move on.

Best of luck.

I have experienced the same thing. I first met my guy 30 years ago. we were together for 6 1/2 years with 1 1/2 being married. then one morning out of the blue he asked for a divorce. he lied about the reason and I believed him because there was always full disclosure(as much as a bp could). we kept in contact periodically until I remarried. after 22 years of being married to someone else i realized i was miserable and unfulfilled. we divorced. thinking back i realized the happiest time in my life was with my first husband. at the time we were married we were told that he was manic depressive. he was not on meds and his cycling was subtle. when i realized how happy he made me i search for him and sent him a card thanking him for the happy times and his honesty, which my second husband couldn't provide. we began to get re-aquainted and realized that after all those years we were still deeply in love with eachother. as he lives on the west coast we made plans for a visit to maryland. but, before he came he proposed to me with my daughters 15 & 20 present. when he did come out we purchased promise rings for eachother and pledge our love. he went back home and we began planning his move to the east coast. on the sunday before christmas i noticed a change in his voice and i could feel him pulling back. all our free time was spent talking on the phone and texting eachother. Yet, now most of communications were via email. I felt him pulling back and one of his mails played into one of my sensitive areas and my fight of flight kicked in and i fought. that was christmas day. on 12/29 i received an email from him telling me how special i am to him but he has something to work on and don't contact me anymore. I was so shocked i had a panic attack and ended up in the er. I have not been the same since. i am now seeing a counselor to try to regain some of my past happy go-lucky self. but this has forever changed me. only time will tell if for the better or worse. like you say...from his voice he is another person altogether. my 22 year marriage taught me that there is no one else for me. i would only make someone else unhappy because i could not give them what they want and only he has my heart and others don't understand. I guess they have never been in love with the wonderful people bp's can be. So, I will wait for his return, my heart tells me he will. I'll wait because it's not fair for me to get involved with someone else. I sleep with the light on, i journal constantly, i read everything ever written on bp to help me understand something that appears to be non-understandable, i think for the bp and non-bp. this site and others have helped me cope along with my counselor. when you loose a loved one to death it is easier because you know they loved you when they passed. but...to loose a loved one and not know why, all you can think of is rejection. the mind can not grasp it because of the love that was present just before they left. I really do feel your pain, more so because you have to wait for him to contact you and days seem like years. Hang in there, you'll need your strength when he comes back. from what i have read on this site & through my own experience(the five years we dated prior to our marriage) we were off & on. I will keep you in prayer along with all other bpso. drama removed...this is gut wrenching.

Hi Michelle,

Whew! What a story - spanning 30 years and two marriages! I hope he comes back to you. He did say that you were "special" to him in that "goodbye" call. My guy didn't - he just mentioned that he had to "work things through" and that he needed his "space". When I pressed him about what needed working through, he replied that is was my suspicion and distrust of him and my anger over his (lack of) relationship with his children. These were issues, but I thought we had worked them out in our last conversation. And, if he hadn't misrepresented things about himself that I uncovered during my extended trip to his state, there wouldn't have been any "issues" 'in the first place.

I would just love for him to call me, just as a friend, and I have emailed him as such. He gave me the "I need space" speech on 11/8/07 and my last email to him was 11/24/07. He has not contacted me in 3 months now. We have been "broken up" now for the same length of time that we went together. The only time he even answered an email of mine was because I was attempting to make arrangements to retrieve my things he had encouraged me to leave at his place for future visits to his state.

I understand your desire to have him back in your life. The obsessive "love" of a BP man is like nothing else in the world. They make you feel truly cherished and appreciated for everything you are. They make you feel like you are the most special person in the world - not only to them, but to the world at large. I finally felt that my dreams were coming true and that HE WAS WORTH THE WAIT AND ALL OF THE HEARTACHE that I had gone through before finding him. We used to discuss it and rejoice that we had finally found one another. But, if it's not "real" and "true", what good is it? I thought I was finally "safe" and it was the most "danger" my heart has ever been in.

Even though my guy was never formally diagnosed, I think he has some form of BP as did another guy who did the same thing to me 14 years ago. I never got over the first one. He took my virginity and disappeared after gifting me with an expensive diamond tennis bracelet and telling me that he loves me more than anyone EVER. I haven't been able to work full-time since and get thrown into severe PTSD everytime something bad happens. This new guy knew the whole story and even wrote me personalized fables about how once "we" found each other that my heartache would be over and he would cherish my "most remarkable heart & soul", that I was his "true beloved", that he had finally found his "missing half", etc. bla bla bla

He has been on a dating site now for 2 months, and has changed his profile essay 4 times already and none of these essays even sound like him. Two of them sounded angry/frustrated. He had been on this same dating site for two months with no luck when he was introduced to me via mutual friends (my friend knew an acquaintance of his). He just changed all of his pictures on the site last week and is using the ones I took of him when I was there in October. I am SICK over this - seeing him smile out at me in these photos that he's now using to lure others! I think he's gone hypomanic again, based on his latest essay. UGH!

I have been in bed, unable to take proper care of myself and my dogs and he's off dating. I cyberstalk him and have noticed that he's home most weekend evenings, so I guess he's not dating as much as I thought he would be - he will be in time. All it takes is one woman who is "taken" in by him like I was. And, if she lives in the same city, she won't have access to his place like I did and won't figure out what his "deal" is for many months.

I know what you mean about the journaling. It SAVED my life. I just typed away at my laptop for the first 2 months - all day and night - repetitive - just to get it OUT of my head. I also went berserk researching BP. I don't think these guys are "garden variety" BP - I think they have something else in the mix - perhaps narcissism (NPD) and/or Borderline (BPD). This is because, in order to "tune out" the way that they do, they are exhibiting a complete lack of remorse or empathy for their significant other. I also think my guy was experiencing "cognitive distortion" - where he internalizes and interprets things in a twisted way. I noticed it right away, but chalked it up to his being "sensitive".

And, like I said in my post - he never told me he had ever been diagnosed BP. So, if he really is experiencing a BP depressive episode, how come he can see patients, do surgeries and lead religious services, but he can't talk to me? I've read about other BP's who have just enough emotional "energy" to barely hold it together at work (and that's about it), but they don't have a job like his, where intense concentration and interpersonal contact is vital.

Did you ask your man what he is "working on"? And, if so, did he blame you? Is he just going on and living his life? Is he successful at his career? During the 22 years that you were married, did he have relationships or get married again? Did he have kids? Also wondering if your guy had the more typical BP symptoms - like the alcohol and/or drug use, raging or cheating. (just curious) My guy was married for 17 years and his wife left him. His divorce had only been final for 2 months when I met him. And, the finances hadn't been distributed yet (one of the things he misrepresented to me).

While your man may come back, I'm not expecting to ever hear from mine again. I'm sure my guy concocted nasty things about me to explain to everyone the reason for our breakup - this is because he was so fervent in his expressed love for me with everyone (and I mean EVERYONE - he paraded me around like a shiny new toy), that it would have to be something really serious for us not to be together.

Plus, we only went together for 2-1/2 months - and in this time he wrote me the most beautiful stories and love letters, he came here twice and I went there twice, we met each other's families and friends, and he bought me an expensive digital camera for my birthday that he gave me a month early (I sent it back to him - because he "dumped" me a week before my birthday and didn't even acknowledge it with an email). Oh, and did I mention that he had realtors showing us houses to live in? This was in October. One of the main reasons for my extended trip there was to learn the city and see the rentals. He had told me the end of September (knowing me 1-1/2 months) that the operating room where he worked was being "redone" in mid January so he wouldn't have any surgeries for a week and he wanted to spend that week "moving me out there". He knew that I had "prerequisites" (being engaged) before I would do that and he told me not to worry. I was going to leave my house vacant and just take my dogs and clothes and move there for a 3-month trial period. If it worked out, I would have come back home and leased my house out furnished. My friends thought he would propose over New Year's which we were supposed to be spending in Mexico with 3 other couples. He went on the trip anyway - I think - alone.

I'm sure I met him while he was experiencing some kind of mania. He came on to me like gangbusters and then just as fast, he was GONE. Although, he had been acting kind of weird while I was there visiting him. Quiet. Flat affect. Different. I thought it was because he was stressed at work or because I was noticing things that he had misrepresented and bringing them up to him (he even had an "outburst" at this), but now I'm wondering if he was just cycling out of the mania.

This is like "deja-vu" from 14 years ago. Valentine's day is coming up and it would be such a "grand gesture" for him to remember me and do something, but I was hoping that the guy 14 years ago would do something for Valentine's day also, and he never did. I never heard from him again - and he lived only a few blocks away. He sold his house 3 years ago and, according to his realtor, moved to another state. She also told me that she was concerned because a woman was moving cross country to live with him there and that they hadn't known each other that long and had never lived together. I'm sure that woman is now back in her home state, licking her wounds.

I hope your guy comes through for you - your chances are better - you actually have a history with him. Feel free to Private Message me. I'd like to know what happens. Thanks for finding and responding to my post.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: chattycathy,

I can not believe how all of these stories sound like my life. Part of me wants to vomit and part of me is happy to know I am not going insane. ChattyCathy, you are right about being pursued by a BP man, they make you feel so safe, special and loved that you want to just crawl inside them and be held. That is what is so heart wrenching, you have had that kind of love from them, and then they look at you with those cold blank eyes and talk to hateful to you. Nothing can sting you like that.
Some say turn and run away, how do you do that when you have years invested, kids, grandkids and you know they hate acting like that as well as you hate being there with them when they do.
I am my husbands 4th marriage and of course it was never his fault why the other 3 fell apart. I never worried about it as I was married 2 times before and I know I am telling the truth about my other marriages and who was abusive so I trusted what he said, now I wonder.
My husbands sister said out of 11 kids 5 have already been diagnosed with bipolar and the father & grandfather all had the exact same symptoms but no one knew what it was then. My husband has not been diagnosed as of yet but hopefully soon as we have an appt on March 6th. But let me ask this, what is the process of getting this diagnosed?????
I am so glad I found this site. My prayers are with you all, thanks.

There is an excellent book bu David Miklowitz called The Bipolar Survival Guide For You and Your Family. It answered a lot of my questions. Another book that I have but haven't read yet is "Loving
Someone With Bipolar Disorder." It's filled with a lot of strategies to assist your partner without complicating the negative feelings they already. My prayers are with you!

I tried to post a private message. It appears as though I don't have permission for that. My email address is mmaliano@gmail.com.

I am amazed at how parallel our situation is. The guy I was married to for 22 years is not the bipolar guy.

My bipolar guy said he was going to take responsibility for his health. He is recovering from a stay in the hospital after being found unconscious over a weekend. He was a teacher for the multiple disabled. He can not work now. He's been disabled for a year & a half. He email sounded a little hypo-manic. Yes he as always been narcissistic. He is aware of it and tries to work it through but it gets the better of him at times. He knows he has self-entitlement issues.

He started building the wall between us on 12/23 but he says I put it there on 12/25, An attempt to not take responsibility for his problem. He said I taught him that he needs to take responsibility for his life, his health andbe a better person in "his" community by volunteering with the disabled. l don't know if that is really what he is working on of if those were just words to hide what is really going on. Thank you for sharing. It has been a big hep for me.

Michele ,

Thanks for the book suggestions, but I am no longer involved with him and most of my questions have already been answered by the various BP boards I have been posting on. Also, he never told me that he was BP (just OCD and heavily medicated for it), so I don't really have a confirmed diagnosis - just a bunch of symptoms that add up to it when you look at them as a whole. Also, his brother has a lot of the symptoms from what he told me about his brother and there was something strange about his father, but I don't know exactly what it was. So, I am extrapolating here.

It's been 3 months now with no contact, so he is gone and I just have to find some way to move on with my life. Everyone keeps telling me that I "dodged a bullet" with him when he disappeared, and that "it's good I found out now", but I feel like I have been emotionally "raped" and am still in shock from this. I have been in bed and incapacitated now for the entire 3 months and have lost 10 lbs. I can barely take care of myself.

I hope you are doing better. I'm wondering if he's contacted you yet. I have not attempted to contact my ex since the end of November. I have given up on him entirely. Have you tried to contact yours?

Baby, I'm sorry that you are going through this as well. The way to get this diagnosed is to get your man to go to a psychiatrist and honestly discuss his symptoms. I understand from reading various BP web boards that this is hard to do. Especially, if he is high functioning, he won't think there is anything wrong with him. From what I've read, the ones who get diagnosed most often are the BP I diagnosis and it is because they really have some sort of crisis and require a hospitalization. The ones with BP II or cyclothymia can take years (like 20 sometimes) to correctly diagnose. Especially if there are drugs or alcohol involved. The BP II symptoms are milder and can be construed as regular behavior if they are not looked at all together as a group of behaviors.

Good luck to you.