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My husband is in a pretty bad manic phase presently I think. He has been for a couple months now. Yesterday was a horrible day, him calling me names, bringing up all the bad in our relationship, hanging up on me when on the phone etc. etc. etc. My question for those of you with bp or those of you who love someone with bp is how do we as the non bp stay out of the chaos? I know we should detach and know it is the illness acting and not our loved one, but, when in the midst of it it is so real and hurtful and confusing. How do we not become a part of it. I lost it a coupld times yesterday and said some not so nice things back. I tried to keep it together and not yell etc. but, it is so hard. I feel for it today. I feel as someone hit me with a truck. I am exhausted and wiped out. How can these times be handled and us keep our level sain minds at the same time? I truly do feel bad when I react to him while he is like this. but, short of having no contact with him, what else can I do. He gets so nasty and cruel. He even told me yesterday "if someone spoke to me the way I speak to you, I would never talk to them again".
Bren, I can totally relate to your posting. I have been married for almost 17 years, and my husband was diagnosed with bipolar illness about ten years ago. I have been riding the roller coaster for quite a while. It is very exhausting. Especially the name calling and blaming. It is very much like a head game. I try to distance myself from it, but sometimes I can't and just go off. One time one of my husband doctor's told me that I would have to learn to not get on the roller coaster ride. That is much easier said than done. I still haven't quite mastered how to do it. Don't feel bad for getting pulled into the negativity. It is very difficult not to. Some times I feel stronger that others. I continue to tell myself that it is not me, and I am a good person. I get so frustrated when he acts like a complete jerk and then makes me feel like somehow it is my fault. Even though I know that it is not my fault, I sometimes feel like I need to make him understand that. It doesn't ever work when he is manic. It is very difficult to rationalize with someone who is not thinking rationally. I look forward to the opportunity to offer some possible support. Or at least a listening ear. Or should I say reading eye?
Bren, This is something I am terrible at, I am new to this whole bipolar thing, but not to the symptoms of it. I have a smart mouth and I hate loose ties so you can imagine how I am, dig dig dig and then when he wont talk I get so mad that I sometimes wonder who is the bp person here. I have to pray and pray to keep calm and keep my mouth shut. My counslor says to pick your battles. I am learning, but when I get no answer back and have NO idea where my life is going I tend to get anxious and just go off. Hand in there. You all have no idea how much this site has helped me. Bless you all. Baby (by the way I had to use baby cause Bren was already used, that is my name as well)
I totally understand! It is wonderful knowing that someone else out there has been married that long w/a BP spouse. We've been together so long that his cycles can usually be "predicted", although he can still go off at any time. The problem I face is that we move often b/c of his job changes and each time we move, he switches psych docs so his meds changes.....fun, fun, fun. Over the years I've learned how to "detach" and NOT assume blame, but it remains difficult. My first realization that I had to accept is that this marriage is NOT like marriages w/o mental illness and should NOT be treated equally. That was tough.
Posts: 1 | Location: home | Registered: 06-09-2008
I'm new to this site too and am greatly appreciative of all the posts. It makes me feel that I'm not alone. It is so true that people don't understand this illness unless you are living with it.
My husband was recently diagnosed w/BP (not sure if it's I or II), as he doesn't like to talk about it. He's currently taking Seroquel and Lexapro.
We've been married for 16 yrs.(together 22) with two children who are 9 and 10 yrs. old.
We started marriage counseling about two years ago because his aggression and abuse took a turn for the worst.
I'm trying to keep it together for the sake of our children, who by the way have not witnessed his physical abuse. However, they have witnessed his verbal abuse and throwing objects across the room.
Our counselor has told me I have PTSD and am co-dependent.
At our first session, I told our counselor I thought my husband was bi-polar and needed medication. It took about a year before he was referred to a Pdoc who prescribed Lexapro and Trazadone. Two months ago, came the BP diagnoses and my husband was given Seroquel.
Last night, we had a family party for the 4th and everything went perfectly. He even told me before bedtime that his worst fear was me leaving him and asked me to promise him that I would never leave.
Tonight, I waited for him to come home to pick me up for a party and when he came home with a friend, he was acting strange, almost manic. We ended up having an argument and he left without me after calling me names in front of our children who were also being picked up by their aunt. I ended up calling my children to tell them that I was okay and my sister told me they told her what they had heard (my husband called me crooked face, among other choice names, as I'm dealing with Bell's palsy).
A part of me wants out of this chaos for the sake of the children, but I don't feel that I am strong enough to make a move and another wants to try to deal with it for the same reason, as my parents divorced.
I'm torn. I do love him and know that many of his behaviors are deal breakers. There are days when life is great and others when we are all walking on eggshells. I keep telling myself that with time and medication everything will be manageable.
My hope is running low right now and I often wonder if I am just kidding myself.
I have been married to my Husband for 10 years. We both are in our second marriage. Early in our marriage we went to counseling and the counselor suggested that he was BP caused by marijuana abuse. I knew he smoked, on occassion, when he went out with the guys, things like that but i didn't realize he was a daily user.
After 7 yrs of the roller coaster life I had to give him an ultimatum to see a Dr and get on some medication. He continued to blow me off and matters became out of control. I filed for divorce. Once he saw I meant business he did go to the Doctor. For the first year it was like a miracle. The past two years he has been slipping. He has gone back to what I call his "Spring Fling" where he binges several times a day for weeks, looks crazy in the eyes and completely forgets the word responsible. When I bring it to his attention he agrees he got out of control and agrees to stop, then the real big roller coaster starts for more than a month. Screaming, yelling, blaming me for everything. The best is that he smokes because he has to in order to be able to deal with my BS. This is a man who is almost 59 yrs old, has been smoking since age 15, has been with me for a total of 12 yrs but somehow it is me that makes him do it. He only takes his lexapro when he feels like it and gets angry if I ask about it and will refuse to take it if I say anything. He purposesly lets me know he didn't because I am not his mother.
Two days ago I was taken by ambulance with chest pain (I am diabetic)while he was visiting his family several states away. He has went off on everyone over the past 2 days with repeated calls asking the same questions over and over (not about me, other things work related). We have a rental house we are rehabbing and the gutters were installed yesterday. I went by today to inspect it and went in the house to see what our workers had done so far When I spoke to him about it he asked about the electrical work. I told him it did not look like they had been there. He completely flipped out on the phone, started screaming and yelling and I realize he was venting but he did not even consider how weak I am right now and what I have been going through these past few days as I am still off work and having more tests ran. Now, I don't think it was very fair of him to do that to me. I am usually his sounding board when he vents which is almost daily about something but he has really hurt me to think he just doesn't care about my well being. When I ask him if he even cares about whether I am okay or that I get better he says, "How can you even ask that?" I told him that I needed to focus on ME right now and he was just going to have deal with these other less important things on his own and if he didn't like it too bad. He started the, "You don't care about me, all it is ever is is about you, when it comes to me you have no tolerance, it's okay for you to vent but I can't, etc...... I just got out of the hospital yesterday? He pushes the guilt to the point where sometimes I question my own self. He is so good at making me feel guilty for getting sick, like I did it to make things bad for him.
My big question is how did you all get your spouse truely diagnosed. How did you get them willing to admit they have a problem. I realize now the only reason he went to his GP for medication was so I would not go forward with the divorce, not because he identified that he may have a problem.
Sorry to hear about your troubles with a BP spouse. It's not easy to be where you are. You write:
"My big question is how did you all get your spouse truely diagnosed."
Answer: I didn't get her diagnosed. She was diagnosed after 3 suicide attempts that began 6 months after she moved out
You also write: " How did you get them willing to admit they have a problem."
Answer: I didn't. I am not sure she currently admits she has a problem, although there may now be periods of time when she does. Mostly she has thought the world was wrong and she was right.
I think if you read the posts on this forum you will find the vast majority of spouses of BP's to give the same answers - BP significant other refuses to be diagnosed, refuses to admit they have a problem and refuses to get treatment. Its why the majority of BP relationships end in breakup - even if the non-BP partner is willing to help, the BP partner refuses to recognize their illness and get treatment.
