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OK, as some of you know I am new to all this. I was reading some recent posts on the "should I stay or go" thread and I started thinking about my current situation. The girl I am with is a loyalist... a very honest girl and because of our affair (I know, very contradictory. But you just really have to know the whole situation so just trust what I am saying! ) has went against all of her worldly views. She has a hard time lying... I can attest to how distrout she gets after her soon-to-be ex-husband calls and wants to come over to talk and She gives him some lie and then tears swell up and she begins to cry. She hates all the lies that have suddenly started spewing out from her mouth on such a regular basis. This new person she is becoming is really just coming out and has came out over the last year. She has a very hard time grasping how she is even able to be the person that she is. Her father has BP and she said when he cycles he goes to the bottle and can become quite mean but for the most part just locks himself in a room... he missed his normal cycle this past fall which is from my understanding pretty amazing. He has maintaind an honest life, even when he cycles. guess what I am getting at is this common? She is an honest person and hates liars. Could this be the end of that life? Would it slip away from her or do some with BP or the like, maintain some of their innocence? her father has always maintained the honest part of his mind..... Just courious if a BP's will can be greater then the disease itself?
Oh Sam, Sam, Sam, wake up and smell the bologna. Listen to the contradictions in your own reasonings. She hates lies, yet they spew regularly out of her mouth,effortlessly.She hates cheating, but she cheats.What else can she tell you, she cant very well say ,Hey I was feeling manic or a little detached and decided on a whim to leave a perfectly good family who has done everything they could do for me.And for no reason that makes sense to anyone, not even me when I am thinking sane.If they did tell you the truth, how many unsuspecting, innocent people could they get to be "fill ins "for the duration of their epiosdes.Truth be told, and you will never get the truth from her, this is not her first affair. Unless she is very newly bp, and in that case you will surely not be her last. Then you will be in the position of her current husband and someone else will be hearing all the same lies she told you. Its all part of the bp package. If you think you will be the one that changes the pattern,then get prepared to be put through hell,untill you are forced to know different.Run back to your wife and beg her forgivness if she will have you.Believe me you'll wish you had by the time your poor,innocent, honest,infidility hating ,bp honey gets done turning your life and your heart inside out.P.S. you better hurry before both your ex's figure out they might be better off if "they" got together, and let you two have each other.You have no idea how much you are hurting her family.Just remember, you will be in his shoes one day if you continue on with her.
i'll take a stab at this one,you should get some interesting replies.if you dont mind answering a few questions.what age is this girl.how long have you known her to say she is a honest person.i guessed right that she is the one still married.what lies did she have to tell the soon to be ex.if he is going to be an ex then why lie?the question is "who is she lieing to?"him,you or herself?maybe all three.
i would have to say the reason she hates the lies coming out of her is she is in mixed mania.not to mention she has to look like she hates the lies to you.i mean if she was lieing and happy would you really want her?if you seen the evil person she can be would you want her?i feel for you.i'm afraid you're about to get hit with a freight train and you can see or hear it coming.
the dad being an honest person,does that come from personal observation or word of mouth.
i'm actually still stuck on you first line"an honest person having an affair".definately a contradiction.but i will attempt to "trust you".i dont know the whole situation.at any rate the fact she cheated on her husband should give you some insight to BP.that fact that she is still lieing after separating should give some more.
just curious,what other behavoirs have you seen.have you encountered the "i hate you dont leave me" yet?have you encountered the "i'm a horible person you deserve better","you should just leave ,you'll be happier."."where are you going,you cant leave me,i hate you".
i'm a bit of a bitter person about cheating.however i have a BP 1 wife i've witness more than i ever imagined possible.i fear you may be stepping into a landmine field also.
Inconsistent behaviors are a big clue that someone may have a mental illness such as bipolar. As time goes on the inconsistencies become more frequent, and along with them come more lies. I agree with the poster who said that the original poster is most likely not her first affair. Again the first time I left my husband for cheating I had no idea that he went around telling our neighbors and told the woman he was with that I ran off and left him for another man and how "hurt he was". He had these people going out of their way to feel sorry for him, comfort, him, take him on their family outings, etc. I had no clue he had told people this until long after we had gotten back together. The strange thing is while we were separated and we talked seldom he told me that he had told the neighbors and the woman he was with that he made a mistake and cheated and they understood that people made mistakes. When I found out the truth and confronted him about it he first said he didn't remember what he told people, then he turned around and said that if he did tell them that he did it because he didn't want them to look down on him. I think that some bp's are really good at fooling people and making them think they are honest. In my experience my soon to be ex has no clue what it means to be honest though if you asked him his response is "i have no reason to lie".
I hate to say it, but I think Blaire just summed up what most of the people here on the "Family and Loved Ones" board are probably thinking.
quote:
But you just really have to know the whole situation so just trust what I am saying
I think the question here is do YOU know the whole situation and can YOU really trust what she is saying? Even if she is recently DX'd BP, chances are that she has had it for some time. I think I've read where it can go undiagnosed for 10 or more years sometimes. I think I said once before to take everything that she says with the proverbial grain of salt. Is she by chance blaming her impending divorce on the fact that her ex was horrible to her? That he hurt her (not necessarily physically, but emotionally)? Was he cold, unsupportive, unloving, selfish? This again seems to be a common pattern for the BP's who leave their marriages or relationships. They tend to assign not only blame, but their own negative behaviors on to their loved ones (or ex-loved ones). I heard it all from the guy I was involved with about how all his ex's were all those things I mentioned (and more), until I started noticing that these were the very characteristics that began emerging in him.
Mine also was "honest to a fault" because "a relationship has to be built on the solid foundation of trust and if you don't have that, you might as well call it a day." And then when I caught him in the first lie, he sheepishly admitted it, gave me the big crocadile tears and said "but it was innocuous". I would soon discover that honesty was not, as he would have liked me to believe, one of his strong suits.
It seems to be a mystery as to how they do it(nevermind why) but BP's can be extremely manipulative and cunning especially where love/romance is concerned. It's almost like the frog in the pot of water. The heat is increased so gradually that they (the S/O's) don't realize they're in the midst of a slow burn until it's too late. They are quite skillful and adept at winning our hearts. In my case, at least, it wasn't blatant or overt. There were no showy gifts or grand gestures, just very subtle, psychological "maneuvers" if you will. They say that love is blind. Well, in my case, not only was I blind but I seem to have taken complete leave of ALL my senses (including my common sense!). And once I was hooked, that's when the games began. A little bit of push here followed by a lot of pull there. Until the pushes became more frequent and of longer duration and the pulls were fewer and farther between.
Not to regurgitate what I have already written ad nauseum in many other posts here, but in case you haven't had a chance to read them, I'll sum it up: This self-proclaimed honest, loving, caring, compassionate man who swore he would never just abandon our relationship because "that's just not the kind of person" he is....did just that. No warning, no explanation, no response to any of my attempts to communicate with him...just gone.
Forget the words she is telling you about who she is (and don't pay much attention to the tears, either) because more than likely you're going to hear/see those over and over again. Look at the actions. That's where you'll find your answers.
what lies did she have to tell the soon to be ex.if he is going to be an ex then why lie?the question is "who is she lieing to?"him,you or herself?maybe all three.
Rob, you are so insightful! That's an excellent point and I hadn't even thought about it. Why is she still lying to the ex if they're getting a divorce? Because she wants to protect his feelings? She apparently didn't give a rat's rear about his feelings if she was having an affair on him in the first place. And if she doesn't want to hurt his feelings, then he couldn't have been that horrible of a person (assuming, as I mentioned in my previous response, that she was doing the blame-game hence the reason for the affair in the first place).
quote:
have you encountered the "i'm a horible person you deserve better","you should just leave ,you'll be happier."
Yep! I got that, too, several times. "I'm sorry for my behavior, you deserve better." or "I wouldn't blame you if you looked for somebody else, I'm f'd up." Very effective ploy, I might add. I mean, what kind, caring or empathic human being is going to walk away from somebody in such a fragile state? I just made me want to reach out and comfort/reassure him that much more.
Sam, I know it may seem like we're all gaging up on you here, but really we're not. I think everybody is just trying really hard to make you see the cold, hard facts of the situation. It's nice that you feel so committed to making this relationship work, but just keep in mind that that burden of making it work will be entirely on your shoulders. A relationship must be a two-way street but sadly, that doesn't seem to be the case in these situations.
Truly to everyone that has posted thus far... I do not think you guys are ganging up on me and I am certainly taking everything... absolutly everything, to deep thougt. Since I have entered this message board, but a few days ago, I have paid closer attention to things, I have looked for different signs, I have approached my situation differently. I am not offended easily and love the truth... brutal honesty... it never scares me.
To start she is the one closer to divorce then I am.. she will be offically divorced in about 2 weeks.
Her fathers honesty is from not just her mouth but from many people, outside his family that know him.
She herself, is just recently in the new world of BP, though from my last post about my situation she does not have BP she has a mild form of BP called cyclothemia. She was diaged with ADHD at a young age but it was not until the past year that she had a nervous breakdown and spent time on the local psyc ward was off work for 6 weeks.. etc, etc...sure you all know about it... She has major anxiety attacks that just started within the past year... a side of BP or the like. So all in all this is new to her as far has when it has started to affect her life.
Her soon to be ex husband is a depressed individual. This is a certain fact. He grew up in home with a BP father and a rough poor life and has his own issues that I am just barley family with because of her and other people.
When I talk about trusting me with the situation, Please do. I am here to have a better understanding about what is going on and there is not enough space on this board for me to go into detail, nor do I care to, about the whole of our relationship. If I feel it is need info I will give it. But truly, her and I have known each other for nearly 3 years so this is all very new. She is not just a gilr I met and had an affair with. We have been friends and known each other for awhile.
I am for the most part a ver honest and open person. Thoughby my recent actions in my life I have contrasdicted who I am and my own morals and values. I am not perfect so when I talk about her honesty, I can only judge myself when I look at her actions within our relationship as mine are no different. I tore my wifes life outfrom under her and have not told her about my affair. I left on other reasons as did "K". Her ex does not knowbecause we both do not need them to know about our current life. Divorces are not final and there are children involved. I refuse to have my wifes bitterness towrds me taken out on my son... he is innocent and still desereves me in his life as much as possile and I will not risk losing what time I have with him because of this... when my divorce is finaly I wil move forward with life in the open with my new S/O. The same story is in her world. This is why we have kept our relationship on the quite side. This wasboth of ours decession... this is not just one sided.
Hopefully I have added to the story of what is going on in my world. I am also sure that i am not looked at upon as the greatest human due to the fact that I am an adulter as I am sure many of you have been the victim of someone like me. So I appreciate any information that is given and truly do not take offense to anything that is said to me in regards to what I am involved in.
Again, Many thanks to all of you for shedding a little light in my world and I have certainly looked at what I am getting into with a diffrent light and have started to think diffrenty about how to approach this life.
i've thought about your responce for a few days now,so i didn't say the "wrong thing".i wont judge you on your marrage actions,i will address your son.you say you want to keep this from your wife and son so she wont be bitter.she will learn the truth and she will be bitter.all your doing is delaying it.there will come a day when your son will understand just what dad did.what will you say to him?is it ok to lie and hide things from the ones you love?what values will he learn from this?
looking ahead you want to keep him in your life.understandably.at the same time you want to have a life with this woman that may be bp.you are aware of what your future may be with her,we've made it clear.what about your son.this woman could take the step-mother to step-monster term literally.just be aware of that.
) has went against all of her worldly views. She has a hard time lying... I can attest to how distrout she gets after her soon-to-be ex-husband calls and wants to come over to talk and She gives him some lie and then tears swell up and she begins to cry. She hates all the lies that have suddenly started spewing out from her mouth on such a regular basis. This new person she is becoming is really just coming out and has came out over the last year. She has a very hard time grasping how she is even able to be the person that she is. Her father has BP and she said when he cycles he goes to the bottle and can become quite mean but for the most part just locks himself in a room... he missed his normal cycle this past fall which is from my understanding pretty amazing. He has maintaind an honest life, even when he cycles. guess what I am getting at is this common? She is an honest person and hates liars. Could this be the end of that life? Would it slip away from her or do some with BP or the like, maintain some of their innocence? her father has always maintained the honest part of his mind..... Just courious if a BP's will can be greater then the disease itself?
