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When I read your post, it sounded exactly like my situation a few years ago. He is now my ex, and it's been a nightmare. If you go to the thread on this post "Do I Leave or Stay?" on this fourm, you'll see my story and the other wives and significant others who have all decided to leave their bipolar.
If you read through almost any forum on bipolar, you'll see that is very common for them to suddenly decide that they don't love you anymore, and then later they do. It's so hard on us b/c we try to reason and understand their decision. We can't...it's part of the illness.
If you decide to pursue this relationship, get ready for one hell of a roller coaster ride. It can and will literally suck the life out of you.
My ex was (is) on 900mg. Lithium and 250 mg. of Prozac daily. But this dosage hasn't changed in 3 yrs. even though his doc wanted to change it many times. Thats the problem, the meds need to be monitored and changed throughout the illness. As they get older, the illness changes and worsens. It's always a guessing game.
Thanks for reading my posts. It it so sad b/c he is a loving, creative, super intelligent, sexy man. Both times that he had has a severe manic episode, it was triggered by excessive stressful event. In between, he would have significant mood swings w/ some rages. Afterwards, he was apologetic and I always accepted his apology. I'm told that I should be a nurse. I always want to help him - make him better - solve his endless life problems. But after 5 years, I just can't do it anymore. I lost my life in his. There's always something, and he's always broken.
I thought when we decided to live together that I'd have a partner to help w/ the house stuff. Instead, I had more work (laundry, bills, etc.) and he rarely did anything. Even though he's been out of work for a work injury since last August, he managed to spend endless hours on the computer or in front of the tv. It all depended on his mood, but even when it was good, he had a hard time focusing on tasks for any length of time. I did resent him after a while. I was working 50 hours a week, coming home to find nothing done! I was exhausted.
I, too, would spend alot time being distracted wondering how he was doing, what he was doing, and even though we were engaged, I now know that my suspicions of cheating are not dillusional. He's a pathological liar, and very good at it. Unfortunately, lying seems to be another part of the disorder.
If your b/f doesn't accept meds, you're in for a long bumpy ride. Even on meds, they can have episodes. Drinking & smoking weed definitely makes it worse. I don't know how old you are (I'm 45, my ex is 39), but you may want to be his friend and confidant, but not his lover. It's hard, but if I could do my last 5 years over again, I would not have been so involved with him and his illness.
We live in a small town, and once again, I'm embarrassed (mortified) about his manic behavior. The whole town is talking about his car and erratic behavior. Most folks don't know about his BP, just think he's nuts!!
From my experience w/ my ex, and from doing alot of reading on this forum and others, it's very, very common for someone suffering in an episode to suddenly not love you. It's very hard b/c we try to understand why - what did I do wrong - how can I make him change his mind??? You can't. You can't reason w/ someone who is not well. Believe me, I tried and all it did was push him further away. My ex would also say he wanted to be alone, but would spend time with friends or family. What I learned is that he would only want to be around people who didn't know he was ill, people who don't know he has BP, etc. Unfortunately, the people closest to the ill person are pushed away b/c they don't want to be reminded of their illness and that they need help. It's a safer, less stressed environment.
In 2004, the way I handled it was tough to do, but very successful. I simply stopped calling him, and eventually he contacted me. The wait is very hard, but you have to stay strong. When he finally called or stopped by the house, I would be unemotional, matter-of-fact like. It made him realize after a few times that I wasn't going to be sucked into his illness and his manipulative behavior. BP's are usually very smart, creative and can be very very manipulative when in an episode. They know the soft-spots or vulnerable spots of their significant other. My ex would play this up by saying horrible things that he knew would hurt me tremendously. I had to learn not to react at all!! Very hard to do, and it caused him to try even harder. Eventually, the tables turned and it was him trying to win me back. It did work and I was by his side when he crashed from the manic to depressed. He attempted suicide and was hospitalized for a week.
I would suggest doing a search on bipolar relationships and you'll see you're not alone. It happens all the time and it will likely turn around when his episode subsides. Unfortunately, depending on how severe his episode is (was), there can be alot of damage done. My ex has had to mend relationships, repair his financial mess, and come to terms w/ the horrible things he did while manic.
Lastly, statistics show that the divorce rate for people w/ BP is 90%. I was engaged, but then another major manic episode hit and he left. This time though, I can't do it. All the memories that were buried from 2004 resurfaced and I simply cannot let this illness hurt my life any more.
A couple of things resinated w/ me when I read your last post. My ex recently got a new cell phone w/ text messaging. Now that's the preferred way he'll communicate w/ people.
When I met him, he was taking Prozac. Apparently he went to his doc asking for it b/c he was feeling depressed, but also had a very quick temper. I knew when he wasn't taking it b/c he would fly into some terrible rages w/out warning and he would get this scary "devil" look in his eyes. He didn't get diagnosed and put on Lithium until 2 years into our relationship. He had a severe manic episode then went to severe depression and tried to commit suicide. He was hospitalized and diagnosed then.
He is BP1 which means he suffers from severe manic and severe depressed episodes. BP2 doen't have the severe manic, but rather have hypomanic episodes. Their mania is not as noticeably bizarre behavior and BP1. They don't usually do things so severe that they have to regain their entire lives when the mania is over. You can read more on these sites about the differences. There is also BP sufferers who very rarely have any mania at all, just depression.
When he went into his severe mania in 04, I had no idea what was going on. All I knew was that he was acting very strangely, never needed sleep, had numerous projects going on, talked excessively and very fast, was spending more money that I could even imagine, was calling old friends and visiting them regularly out of the blue, ran for town office (thankfully lost), and eventually broke up w/ me. I printed a page off the Internet describing mania and gave it to him. At first he cried b/c his mother (now deceased) was also diagnosed as manic-depressive and it scared him. But a few minutes later he threw the paper at me and screamed that I was the one who was crazy!! A few days later I convinced him to go to his doc, but this guy wasn't a psychiatrist and he only referred him to one. My ex wouldn't go, so I made the appt. and tricked him into going. Told him his ex-wife threatened to not allow him to see his kids again unless he went to the doc to get help. He went, but wasn't cooperative and never followed up. It's sooo hard to convince someone in a manic episode to get help.
It's natural to worry about him....believe me that's what I think about every day. I'm involved in a legal battle with him to get his name off the house we own together. I worry that this will crash him into depression and he'll repeat 2004 all over again. But I need to worry about me now - I lost so much of me to his illness, drinking and pot smoking. The constant worry, arguing about his irresponsible behavior, the running away for sometimes days at a time. My life was so chaotic with him. The drama never ended. Sure it's lonely many times, but I can deal w/ it. It's also hard knowing that he's now living with a girl he was dating before dating me. But I shouldn't be surprised - he's incapable of taking care of himself and has always needed someone to take care of him and his kids. Reading these posts I've learned that's very typical of people with BP. All the wives and girlfriends of BP's have their hands full taking care of them. It's almost like having a child to care for.
Been there, done that. I would drink my wine and start to text him, too. Not a good idea b/c I would regret it the next day.
Last nite, I was out w/ friends, and he text me!! Said "Could use the hot tub and a comfortable bed right now." Hell of alot of nerve after what he's done to me and us!!
I text back "Heard the Holiday Inn has both of them." Felt good to push him away for a change. He replied something about Holiday Inn regular hotels vs. the Holiday Inn Express. Didn't make any sense but then I wrote "I know you miss me & I'm glad. You ruined a good thing and went too far this time. Too much damage done". That was the end of it.
Don't text or call him. It only sets you up to be ignored and rejected. Don't do it...trust me - he'll contact you. No contact will always force the contact from the other person. Your silence will speak volumes. If he truly is thinking about you, he'll call.
Just remember, we're not dealing with the person right now, we'll trying to deal with the illness in the person. Very hard b/c you can't understand what they think - their brain is broken.
Just proof that we all falter. Sat. nite my ex started texting me & flaunting that he was with his old girlfriend. I texted back (lying) that I was w/ someone, we were reading his messages together & that he needs to grow up.
Last nite he text me apologizing profusely. We ended up getting together, spent the nite, and today together. But it turns out he was just trying to get me to drop my legal battle. When he realized it wasn't working, called me names and walked 11 miles back to his car. I just drove home & let him walk.
He's so manipulative and controlling. It almost worked b/c I let my emotions take over. But in the end, I'm moving forward cuz I need to get off this roller coaster for good. Ironic thing is my lawyer was calling me today when I was w/ him.
You're doing good. Stay the course. Should listen to my own advice from now on, huh?
Thanks for the words of encouragement. I've been doing this now for over 2 months and still can't seem to learn that it does no good. Last nite he text me saying horrible things, calling me a liar, etc. I just shut the phone off. Jekyll & Hyde again. On one message he wrote that he's hit rock bottom again, only worst than last time (which landed him in the hospital). Told me life sucks so so bad. Then calls me baby, then a liar. Go Figure??!
I hope you can hold out and someday convince him to take medication. I've read that the illness gets worse untreated as a person gets older. But not taking meds is a big big problem for alot of folks. I read it all the time. I hope you never have to see him in a severe manic or depressed episode. It will scare you to death! My ex has ruined his entire life by not caring for his illness better. His kids don't want to be w/ him, he's losing his home with me and he doesn't have a car. The bill collectors are calling regularly, he's flat broke, and most of his friends have deserted him b/c of his bizarre behavior. He also had an accident last nite. Some damage to his car, but he wasn't hurt. He wouldn't tell me whose fault it was. I guarantee the next thing is going to be a DUI.
I'm going away on vacation for a week starting tomorrow. Won't be posting or checking here. Looking forward to running away from it all for a week. You take care, and good luck.
Thought I'd reply as Karen is away on her hols. Please read my posts all over this site to get an insight into what I've been through recently.
My husband has told everyone that all of his and our problems were marital, at no point have they been the fault of his Bipolar which he was finally diagnosed with in March this year. He has spent thousands in the time we have been together, he has been manipulative, abused me bith verbally and physically, lost his job, gone crazy and eneded up in hospital and it's all my fault. He is in complete denial that he has Bipolar and won't take his meds. He is now living with his father as I just couldn't handle it anymore. I know how hard it is not to communicate with these guys but you must try. By having the no communication rule my husband is now behaving a little better but he knows that he's not going to get anywhere with me until he gets help and I don't expect that to be in a hurry either. None of this is your fault. Yes, it doesn't make sense when one minute they tell you that they love you and the next they say they don't. It's the illness but ny advise to you is let him get on with it for the time-being. Ignore him, concentrate on yourself and he will come back when he is desperate. Allowing them in and out of our lives is far worse. Love yourself now as you are important too. I'm sorry if I sound harsh but I too had to hear these sorts of words to help me see sense. You can be strong even without your man and then you will be in a better position to help him. Take care.
I'm so glad you are being so strong. Yes it hurts when they go off but at least we're not being directly hurt by their illness. I found out tonight that a daughter of my parents' best friends who lives in Canada now has gone thorugh the same problems as us. No one is alone and this keeps me going. Take care.
Back from vacation (or holiday as Bev calls it). It was so wonderfully relaxing and enjoyable. When I drove close to home last nite, my stress level started all over again. I could actually feel my heart racing faster.
Tara, Bev has the best advice and she has helped me tremendously over the last few months. Her advice to you is dead on. It's hard to feel "jilted", as I know too well. But eventually they do come around and realize they've made a mistake. Wait him out, but don't wait for him. You're very young and can move on with your life. Enjoy.
While away, my ex drove to my house at midnight. My neighbor who was watching the house called me when it happened. My ex texted me "Hello??" while I was talking to the neighbor. I just ignored him. He finally left the house w/out going in about 1/2 hour later. The next day he sent me a very nasty text about being a Black Widow killing my mate. One minute he's at my house looking to spend the nite, the next day I'm the Black Widow. The pendulum continues to swing!! I shut off my text messaging from my account, and boy did that piss him off. He called my phone 6 times the next day! I never answered it. Then he text my daughter asking where I was. Of course she told me, and I told her not to respond.
His daughter text my daughter the next day and said that my ex dropped his VERY expensive cell phone in the pool and it won't work. I know he has no money to buy another phone, so things are quiet for a while. Thank goodness!
I go to my lawyer today to sign court papers. The ex text that he wants to force me to sell the house. He can't do that b/c I own 70%, but it looks like we'll be settling in court. I really hoped this wouldn't happen, but I have to do it.
Lastly, I have two more interviews and it looks very promising. I should be back to work really soon. I don't know how I would have been able to work for the last few weeks w/ all the drama and stress. Getting back to work will be good for me to get on w/ my life. I also gained 10 pounds while on vacation. I look and feel so much better!!
Break ups are hard, BP or not. My ex has been staying at a girl's house lately, too. She was his girlfriend 5 years ago, and he broke up w/ her to date me!! I heard she's telling people that he's crazy right now, and I don't expect it'll last.
While on vacation, I found a funny gift shop and bought a postcard that's hanging on the fridge. It says, "Better to have loved & lost than to have spent the rest of my life with that Psycho!" Every time I look at it, it makes me smile.
If I had a crystal ball, K will be coming back for you. They always do when things are going badly - you're his safe zone, safety net. At least that's how it works in my situation. Right now, the other girl is safe b/c she doesn't remind him that he's sick. But eventually, he will need you. You'll have to decide what to do when it happens. Just like all of us who post on "Do I Leave or Do I Stay?" We all have our ex's looking to come back to us.
Just remember a few facts - BP is for life and usually gets worse with age. The divorce rate w/ a BP is 90%. If you stay, you inevitably become his parent/caregiver if he won't take care of his illness. The roller coaster ride is nauseating. Untreated, he will push you away and pull you back constantly. Many times, you will feel like you're the one who's crazy. If you have children, there's a great chance it will inherit BP.
When my ex was first diagnosed in 2004, I called a close friend who's a nurse in a big emergency room. I was looking for a psychiatrist for him. She told me, "Run - don't walk away from this illnees/person as fast as you can. If you don't, you're in for a lifetime of heartache, headaches, and chaos." Of course, I didn't listen to her. And I wish I did.
I'd also recommend going to the part of this form that is for people with BP. You can ask them questions and they'll answer. But even just reading their posts is very eye-opening.
Take care, and don't beat yourself up. You didn't cause this and it's not your fault!! You can't fix him, cure him, or change him.
Tara, I know exactly how you feel. S & I have been together for 17 years and while I can't eat or sleep or even think - he goes on his merry way as though nothing has happened! I know it sound awful - but, I want him to hurt! I want him to realize what he has done - and he just doesn't seem to feel anything. I feel like I've lost my soul-mate - and he's with another woman! How do you go on? What happens when he crashes and needs someone to take care of him? My counselor told me to write a list of how I feel right now - all of the pain. She said if I ever consider allowing him back in my life to pull that list out and REMEMBER this pain. I did - I carry it in my purse all of the time - and I will pull it out if I ever even think I'm wavering. This just has to end. 17 years of high ups and low downs and walking on eggshells! Damn - it's just got to be over. I know this is the right thing to do - it just hurts so bad. Did he ever really care at all? Will I ever know? Hopefully, the divorce will be over July 9. I hope I can move on then.
You did great!! If it's like my experience, he's getting concerned that you're not contacting him and why. "Did she forget about me already? Is she seeing someone else?" He'll text to be sure he stays in your head, if even for a moment. Your his safety net to fall back to when HE'S ready - he's in control - not you - and that's how he wants it. No reply might have been better, but the cold one is just as good.
See what my night was like last nite. I posted under "Do I leave or Do I stay?" I was a nasty texting bitch last night.
The love you don't love you is normal in this type of relationship. If you stay, you'll need to get used to it.
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