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well it sounds like my story is not as unique as I thought. My husband works a very stressful job and travels many months out of the year without us (me and the 3 kids). Last January after a huge blow up I took him to my sons psychiatrist ( he by the way is 9 and has early onset bp disorder) and snuck in the fact that maybe the doctor could talk to him. I know big no no. But it worked because he gave him 500 mg of depakote and I called them the happy pills he was so good about taking them and he seemed to being doing well his aggression was not around anymore. I was so happy for months however this last June the family was transitioning from California to Idaho and he was wanting to change his job and spend more time being a dad. Well that must have been the trigger. The beginning of Sept. we sold the house and I could see he was very upset and he knew that was the final because me and the kids were moving he was gonna stay with a buddy until after Christmas then find a job. Second week in September he said that is it I want a divorce. He has given me thousands of reasons why he wants a divorce and why he hates me. However a week or two before I have beautiful love letters emails and you name it nice phone calls and "the I love you's that I so desperately miss" He has become so defensive of his job and he says everything I do I fight with him but truthfully our phone calls are just literally mins. not hours like they use to be. He is a virtual stranger to me. He has spent over 1600.00 in 3 days out of our joint account. He went out and bought a crotch rocket motorcycle so he could go fast as he says. He is dipping his copenhagen constantly he goes through 3 cans a day. He came up to see me and the kids last week we had a few good days a few bad days. On Wednesday I was laying next to him and I thought he was a sleep I told him I love him and hoped he would come back to me. He abruptly jumped up started packing his stuff I grabbed his keys after he tried to choke me and I took off running into my moms room(did I mention we have no home yet because he doesn't care that me and his 3 kids are living with my mom and have no home he has no care he says that is my problem not his) I threw the keys and his wallet evidently they ended up in the toilet and went down. So it took 2 days to get his car re keyed. After the police were called that night and warned him several times to calm down or he was going to be arrested they finally left. He and I talked he cried and said he was so sorry for all this I cried and said how did this all happen he said I need to go to my doctor my head is all Fu**** up and I said okay. Then he went from hating me to tearing my panties off and having sex with me. We had two more days until he left he was moderately nice. When he left he said we can do this one day at a time he called several times on his drive home looking for reassurance. Then he got back to Cali. and look out he forgot my birthday (he says he is not a mind reader but he has known it for 13 yrs.)Then everything started spiraling down hill once again the angry man came back. He had an appt. on Thursday to which he later wrote me an email and would not talk to me he said the doctor told him he is not totally classed as bipolar he is what they call NON specific he gave him a pill provigil to stop him from drinking the 5 energy drinks he drinks a day. He told him that he needed to double his Depakote form 500 mg to 1000mg he said that is so he can focus better. Then he proceeded to tell me all the reasons that he hated me he told me he is unhappy and can't do this anymore. However this was contrary to the few days before when he had promised our children he would work on our marriage because they are so anxiety ridden with all this going on. Yet when I spoke with his doctor he told me that he said he was not getting a divorce he was trying to work on things. He did tell me that he has been taking the new amount of Depakote for 3 days now which I am hoping is my best hope for him to come out of this. He is still so mad at me for calling the cops and losing his keys. He tells me every hateful thing he can think about in our whole marriage that is making him unhappy. I have had to get on an antidepressant and anxiety medication myself just to deal with this. Not to mention my 11 yr old daughter is also on anti depressants. Now all he can says is he is filing for divorce on Monday and he has this crazy idea that he does not have to pay alimony or help us. I can't believe that this is my life. We came up here to Idaho so I could finish nursing school, so he could spend more time with the kids buy a cheaper home and live a nice life. What in the heck happened. He now seems to be in more of the depressed state he tells me the reason why he has to leave and get a divorce is because I make him want to throw up every time he talks to me. He says I make his head foggy and that it makes him not want to get out of bed everytime I talk to him. He said he goes days without wanting to go to work. He says he doesn't love me anymore and that we are over. To go on with life and find a new one. But his doctor tells me that this is part of mania and says that the meds he is taking should work in 4 to 7 days. Thankfullly our family is a strong one with the Lord because that is all we are all leaning on. I miss him desperately and wish things would just go back to normal... I wonder do I have hopes that it can return to normal after this episode? What do I do if he does run out and file for divorce? Will he come back after this episode is over? Do they realize after it is over that they have been horrible to the ones they love? Or do they forget everything they have done? My kids are so hurt and so am I, I feel like my life is a daily waiting game hoping and praying that he comes back to us and that he doesn't really mean any of this. Is that possible that he doesn't really mean all of this? He has pushed his family away, his parent, his friends he is in total seclusion and he says he lays in bed all day and looks at walls doesn't even watch TV. I am so worried he said he wants everyone to go away and just die. He talks about himself in the 3rd person like he is not truly here. I am so scared for him. What do I treat him like when and if he calls. Do I try to be sweet only to get brow beat or do I stand up to him and say enough. I feel like my only rock to stand on is GOD I pray day and night and so do my kids because we just can't believe this is our life.
Also when this first went on I called his boss to ask him to give him so time off he was so pissed so that was also added to his list of things I have done wrong. Will that list go away when he is better. The doctor says 4 to 7 days the Depakote should work and he may be out of this manic episode. Pray for our family we need it.
barely hanging on, not to repeat myself, I just want you to know you are not alone.. You have so many questions we the spouse that is left alone scratching are heads have.. read the other posts, you can see how similar all our situations are....I too had the love letters, text messages, the I am sorry I love you so much, etc etc...then in a week he was gone.. its been three months...They say mania is infinite it can go on and on..He will fall and he will come running back to you..from everything i have read that is the norm...for BP spouses....Right now, concentrate on taking care of you and your children, i know its hard, but it will get better, you will need all your resolve for what happens next... He does love you, its not about love, its about an illness that has no conscience... Anyway, like i said i dont want to repeat myself, i have posted many things... Pray alot and take care of you... its hard to understand, but I so miss my husband, but i am embracing the peace i have at this moment...Hang in there, we are here for you, you are not alone....
Barley Hanging on: Take heart you are not the only one this has happened to. All of us who post here have been thru it. My husband was diagnosed 3 years ago and it has been a rollercoaster ride for those 3 years. I naivly thought the meds would work right away and he would be back to what I thought was normal. It does take time and sometimes the meds need to be changed or the dosage changed. My husband to said awful things and everything was my fault. The kids and I had brought him to this. He too spent weeks in bed andlost his job. He is on his meds, but sometimes doesn't feel he needs them. My kids are grown so I have stayed thought at times I was ready to leave. For the past 3 mos. he was great then had a down time which we are just coming off of. You must take care of yourself and your children. I too pray every day and find comfort in that. Know that we will all pray for you, we know what it is like. But don't expect him to change and be fine. It takes time, drs, Meds and therapy. Good Luck.
Well we got thru yesterday with no calls from him as if me and his children do not even exist. My 11 yr old daughter seems to be taking this the hardest. They put her on antidepressants oh and me too along with anxiety meds for me. Which these have helped tremendously I have not been crying near like I was which I believe has helped the kids. However my daughter is just so upset she feels so abandoned which I explain to her all of us do. But I keep telling her we will be okay. Problem is we have no home no and are living with my mom so the kids miss all of their own things and their own rooms and home. At the end of November we have land we were selling and we will get the proceeds from it and I am going to get the kids settled into a home and try to make things seem normal even if he is not a part of this all. Daily we wish for the way things use to be daily we wish for him back but I also think at sometimes we don't want him back sick and not functioning properly. I have to say I am worried he may lose his job and then where are we going to be. I am trying to do things to protect ourselves financially I have to take a couple hundred dollars weekly and save it in a bank account that he has no availability to I also have to safeguard the money from the land so he cannot get a hold of it. Thankfully we have found a church here in our small town and the people are great. They pray for us constantly throughout the day and I ask all of you for prayers. I know we will be okay and that I have to go on with my life and still live but it is so hard knowing he is out there somewhere and am sad that he can't trust me right now with his pain. I think the hardest thing with all this is I know many of the things he says that he is upset about are viable things yet they are so small by themselves so small for someone to just divorce over them. It makes no sense to me but I guess it makes sense to him I keep hanging on the words that many of you on here say which is that person is not my husband right now and I can say that is for sure. He is so cold so mean and there is no feeling from him. I believe he is starting into the depression mode though because when he said he wanted a divorce he also said I can't hardly sleep, I can't get out of bed, my head is all foggy and I have to talk myself into going to work. So I think he is on the downward cycle or at least I hope so. He has been on his meds as of today 4 days or I should say the upped dose now. So I am praying it won't be long.
How do you stop loving these people if they do walk away and never come back. How do you help your children understand? Will they forget all the things on their list that they seem to carry in their head about why they are leaving? Do they forget how they have acted or are they really guilty?
I'll pray for you. It does get better, but it wont happen over night. the meds may need to be adjusted. and you're right, its not your husband talking now, its the mania. we all share the same stories basically, only the names and locations are different. my huband watns a divorce one minute, and the next he tells me im the best thing thats ever happened to him.
i am glad that you are taking the steps to both protect yourself and your finances. i almost waited to long with my depression, and i start my second job tonight to help out with the financial strain.
my huband doesnt remember the things he says to me when he's manic...so he doesnt have any guilt until i tell him. and i only tell him when he asks me why im acting a certain way or why i've done this or that. when i tell him he hangs his head in guilt and cries and tells me that he didnt mean it. i dunno...we are only human and we can only take so much. but know that we are here, if only in words on the screen. we can share your pain because we go thru it too. we never stop loving them and we can never walk away from them...but sometimes we have to walk away from the situation for a while. i had to because i was being drawn into his whirlpool straight down. i pray that the meds start working soon and that your family can once again be complete. I'll pray for everyone. take care
Oh, we remeber what we do and say, eventually. it comes back to us, in little bits, after a time. and it hurts. so much more than it hurts the people we say it to at the time, and over and over again it hurts. so take a little comfort in that, what goes around comes around , so to speak. yall can read all about it in that epic post 'if only they had told me' if you can stay awake that long, that is... I recommend you read it in segments. it easier that way. just let him go. he's sick. when he is well, he will come back. and besides, this probably will not be the only time you will have to take care of those kids by yourself. Or the last time they will have to understand that dad is sick and needs some time to recover.Furthermore (as Im sure you have already noticed) its not healthy for you or your kids to be hangin out with him right now. He has the very real potential to be abusive - verbally, physically, finacially, mentally - and I gotta tell you from my own personal experience, and I don't care what that doc says about his meds ( cause I've been on Depakote) he doesn't have a whole lot of self control right now. Those meds don't cure him, they sedate him, they are designed to help him cope, if he has any idea what is happening to him at all. I say agree to a separation, and commit him to the state hospital if becomes a threat to himself or others. Other than that, leave him alone. He'll come home. I did.
today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground
I've been reading over the posts for the last week or so and I must tell you it is very disheartening and yes, makes my depression worse by reading how SOs feel about their BP loved ones and vice versa. It seems no one gets the idea that the illness CAN NOT BE CURED it can only be managed and management, like management of all types of things, takes adjustment and tweaking and sometimes things go awry.
It is sad to me to know that SOs are happy their BP ones are depressed because they seem to be more manageable by them. Yet do not fully comprehend that the depressive end, more so than the manic, can result in harm to one self or even suicide.
I don't like to refer to myself as "sick" but sick I am. It is an illness and I do remember bits of what goes on. I do have a conscience and it is constantly being guilted and shamed by me and those around me. Instead of trying to "FIX" they should be looking after themselves and their families even if it means leaving the situation for a while.
If the BP one has left then more times than not they will return BUT THEY WILL NEVER BE WHAT THEY WERE BEFORE OR "NORMAL". Plus, what they fail to realize is that if the person is diagnosed some do not take the diagnosis well and see it for what it is a non-curable lifelong often times crippling illness. It is chronic and flares at the slightest trigger.
The person diagnosed has to wrap their minds around this and sometimes it is just too hard so adjusting and accepting it gets difficult and they do things out of character much as would someone diagnosed with a lifelong heart disease.
The only thing I have to say Marie, is I dont think any of us that have lived with a BP spouse think there is a "cure", and everything I have read, from very realible sources that when a person is MANIC, its like they DONT have a conscience.. I did say that when they come down, the feel guilt and shame... I know this, I have lived with my spouse for 6 years and have had to let him go more times than NOT.. I love him and would do anything for him and i do know taking care of ME is all i can do. Please dont be offended, what you have said in your last post is so true and we must all realize it...Some SO's that have been abandoned right now cannot understand no matter how much education we get... so keep on helping us.. cause you are what we need to get through this.
I keep sending my posts without finishing my thoughts sorry.I no way want you or my spouse feeling depressed. Isnt there enough of that going on.. From all that i have been told that once manic, they dont want to reason or hear what we have to say until the depression sets in. that is when they finally reallize what they have done. Its sad how we LOVE you unconditionally, but we dont get that back...Cant you see, we are hurt, we are trying to understand, how you can treat us like you hate us, when just a week ago, you said i was the love of your life.. so we may think, is it true or not.. today you hate me, you walk out on me... I never ever tried to control my spouse, i let him be the man GOD intended him to be, then his behavior was all distorted, and i could not control him, and i never tried. I did try to nicely explain that something is wrong, can WE go to counseling.. so please if anyone can understand us spouses please help us to understand, and dont get upset with us, cause we try the best we can to do what we can to save our marriages, why you all keep running away. sorry i am upset right now, i dont want people getting offended here, but we all need to help each other, not take things personally, like i just did.. forgive me
I didn't mean to speak for all BPers for I have no right in which to do so. I can only speak from me and for me.
I guess I took your venting personnally.
There are times I absolutely hate everyone and everything around me because I hurt, I hurt very deeply inside. I, more times than not, just want to retreat to my dark corner alone so that no one will hurt me (reality or not) and I'll not hurt anyone.
It appears that you each truly love your ill loved ones and are just trying to get through this and to make sense of something that simply has no clear sense.
I will pray for each of you as well as your BP loved ones. Just remember you have to take care of yourselves otherwise you are no good to yourself or them. You can not fix and there is no cure as of yet.
Marie, YOu are such a lovely woman, and you have such great experience, we need to hear you.. We need to understand, and to see someone that takes responsiblity for there illness is such a great hope for us all.. Your husband is lucky to have you.. I know this people that have BP are such loving and warm people, and no we cannot fault them for having an illness. We are all hear to help each other and i couldnt make it without you... I just found out my husand has an email address. his sister forwarded to me an email he sent to her, and do you know it caught my eye.. all the people he sent the email to were women, and they looked like email address to those sites that most of us dont want to think about...no names attached to the email addresses.. just sick names, like sexy this and that.. it hurt so bad.. He has not emailed me once,it hurts, it hurts real bad... I am about to give up, hehas given me nothing to show he is working on himself.. i am working on me.. I got to church, i have sought counseling, i am a leader in a recovery group for christians, I just cant see how he can hurt me so... and logically i can see its not him, but after 3 months, of not even i am sorry, i left you with a brand new house, all the bills, a broken heart etc etc.. I feel how can he be out there having a ball when i am suffering so.... but no more.. i am going to take my own advice... I have to take care of me, stop trying to figure him out and obsessing over what he is or isnt doing and pray that i will heal...
Starr, I just want you to know that I am thingkingabout you and praying for you. I know exactly how you feel. We care so much for our SO and they don't give a thought to throwing us away when they are in the grip of this.We do have to take care of ourselves. We did nothing to turn these people against us. It is because they are sick and when they realize what they do to us they are sorry, but then when it hits them again, they do as they please with no conscience. I lived with his illness for 30 years before we got a diagnosis. I thought it was his personality and when he was nice he was great. All our friends thought he could walk on water and couldn't understand me. Of course they did not see the manic person he was. In front of everyone else he was the best. Since hes been on meds he is better, but still has his mean moments. Now I understand but it still hurts. Take care.
Thank you at wits end, i need all the comfort and prayers i can get... I am struggling so.. I want to know why I would want a man that threw me away like a piece of garbage, i finally told my parents, and they cant believe he thought so little of me that he doesnt even call to check up on me to see if i am ok...Well i have always been the independant one, and have always fended for myself, but being in a new state, home etc.. its kind of scary...Did you SO ever leave you, this is 3 months and still no remorse not even at little.. At least when he was here the verbal attacks were always followed by a teary I am so sorry i need to get help.. Now he is just running wild...I feel like a nobody, but i know that I am not logically but the heart tells me otherwise. Thanks all of you for being there... I just want to stop obsessing....about him.
ok, I want to ask a question here. I'm not trying to be sarcastic, and I most surely do not want to offend anyone. I'm wondering when all this behavior of tolerating the rages and verbal abuse from a SO crosses over into 'enabling'? I mean certainly you all want to stay with your SO and understand them and help them, but if you are only serving as a constant target, and you never get to a point where you say, "Enough! Get well and treat me with respect and have some self control, or live alone!" aren't you just enabling them to be unwell? What if my husband just took the position that it was forgivable for me to sleep around occasionally when 'my meds arent right'? That would be unhealthy for me and my family in so many ways, and isnt really any different from what you ladies put up with. Instead of letting BP be an excuse for unrest, let it be an opportunity to grow. Learn how exercise and Omega-3s can help depression, how meditation can help with mania, how your meds work, how other meds work, what your trigger was, if you have a family history of BP, how tiny, insignificant, everyday things like chocolate, hormones, caffiene, nicotine, allergies, sunlight, and even TV are affecting your bipolar. Learn about magnets, the phases of the moon, sleeping with your head to the north, and other things we all thought were "Hokey" actually affect our moods. I could go on, but I won't.
Did yall know there are 300 MH clients waiting for hospital beds to open in overcrowded jail cells in Florida tonight? 78% of them have been waiting more than 15 days. In the last year, several have attempted or committed acts of self-harm while waiting extended periods for transfer. Florida Judges are now issuing fines (some as high as $1,000 per day per client) against the state for these unforgivable acts of contempt. In some counties, Judges are even considering jail time for employees in contempt, administrators that should've corrected this problem months, maybe even years ago. With 300 waiting for beds, they make over $50million in cuts with an $8billion surplus, and only request funding for 35-50 new beds..
read more in the NY times.
today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground
