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I had been diagnosed with major depression for 10 years. Have been hospitalized maybe 3 times for that. Usually after some kind of nervous breakdown at work. I would always become obsessed over the fairness of things...right vs wrong. End up going up against bosses and just letting loose on them. Next thing I know I'm in the hospital. Doctor's had mentioned bipolar over the years but I was never manic..,
I tried to commit suicide for the first time last May and I really don't know why. I just seemed tired of it all...work, meds, etc...I just didn't know it was that bad. Now they say I've been misdiagnosed all these years and am BP II and they have come up with this conclusion just from my journaling.
I've started new meds, I feel awful, I'm scared, I can't work, I can't stand to see the disappointment in my family's eyes, and my partner of 25 years seems to resent me, altho he says he doesn't. I just feel worse than I ever have...like some burden. All I think about is running away, but where? You also think about suicide, but you know how much that hurts others, but look how they feel now? It's almost a catch-22.
I was doing fine over the summer...performing and singing in nightclubs for the first time (just on antidepressants and anxiety drug...then the bottom just fell out from under me in October...I just couldn't function) I have to say the last 3 years had gotten progressively worse.
But I just can't seem to pull out this time. I had 9 good days since October. I just feel so alone. I have no friends,no one to relate to...mostly because I feel so bad all the time. I don't go out..I just feel paranoid. At least in the old days, I could be the life of the party sometimes.
I mean how does one know for sure if they've been diagnosed correctly. I can see how some of my behavior might have been inappropriate at times, but not that much...
I almost feel desperate...and I don't know how to work these stupid board...:-)
you are working the board just fine, first. secondly, and I am no doctor, you sound like you indeed are bipolar and more likely II. the fact that the anti-depressant you took and you said you bottomed out afterwards is also a sign. this is all new to you and you are scared. keep up your appointments, tell your therapist, and read everything you can find on the disorder and come to this board whenever you need to. there are people here who can relate to what you are feeling and going through. sometimes that is all we need, someone to relate.
Seems to me that you are def bipolar, especially since you stated that sometimes you are the life of the party. I too have mostly had the worst problems with depression, going as far as trying to end it all, I was taking anti-depressants for two months and my moods were cyclying from hour to hour, it was crazy. Do what Corey says and keep up your appointments, try and keep in mind you do matter!
