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I have a bipolar wife. We've been married for over 30 years. We had children late in life and I have two teenage boys--one ready to start college the other a junior in High-School.
The bipolarity has my children totally confused and it has hurt their self-esteem. Mother's Day was a living hell. One of my son's wore a shirt that my wife disliked to church and that set her off into one of her "episodes." This one was a horrific one and she has shut herself into a spare bedroom and has pretty much told us all we're on our own.
I'm worried about my boys... I don't know what to tell them. They know their mother is over reacting yet they are hurt by her constant anger. They also don't understand why their Dad (me) doesn't do anything about the situation.
It's more horrific and oppressive than I can possibly explain on this website. I found this website by google-ing "How to live with a bipolar spouse."
I've managed to keep our household hanging by a thread--but, we're rapidly becoming totally dysfunctional. My two boys are excellent students, well grounded in their faith, and have very strong morals and integrity. I'm thankful to God for that--but, they don't understand why one day they have the basic approval of their mother and the next day, they are told they are "worthless spoiled brats."
I've never considered divorce--When I said, "for better or worse, in sickness and in health, until death do us part." I made that committment to God. And the Bible says that "A man is to love his wife, like Christ loves the church and gave himself up for her."
I've done exactly that-for 33 years I've had no real life. I have no friends because it's impossible to deal with friends and do things with other people when my wife can blow up at any moment. It's like walking on egg shells every day. I can do that--but, the boys are starting to become men and their tired of playing the game--they are standing firm (sometimes their correct--other times their in the wrong)--when they are in the wrong I correct them--but, when they are right, I try to play both sides against the middle so to speak and it rarely works.
I'm crying out for advice and help. I haven't thought of suicide; but, I have to admit heaven would be great. But, I'm willing to wait until it is God's time, not mine.
My wife does take medication for a "chemical imbalance"--but, she doesn't even recognize she's bipolar. She literally thinks she is virtually perfect and we are all terrible (Me and my boys).
Andy advice anyone can offer would be of help. If my boys can just make it through college and get on their own, I think I can go the rest of the way. But, it's getting harder each day for my boys to cope.
I have no idea if what I'm writing makes any sense, or if I'm even on an appropriate website. Please let me know if I'm in the right place and if anyone can give me help/support/or advice.
You are so brave and my heart goes out to you and your boys. You say that your wife takes meds for chemical imbalance but is she on the correct dose / medication. It seems that she is cycling and if that's the case you need to get her to a Dr.
I understand what you say about your marriage vows as I feel the same. However what you need to do is set some boundaries for your wife and show her that you will not accept this vile behaviour. Although the illness causes it, they have to be given a reality check. You can't do anything other than look after yourself and your boys. Your wife has to help herself, maybe is she realises what she has to do in order to keep you then she might act. We all have to stop enabling these people as this just makes the situation worse. I'm sorry if this is a little matter-of-fact but I'm only saying to you what other people have said to me in the last couple of months.
All the best in your quest, we're all here for you.
It sounds like your wife is still extremely symptomatic, which means she's probably not being adequately treated. It's definitely time to go to the psychiatrist again and have her meds re-evaluated. A proper med adjustment can often do wonders. If you're wife is up to it too, talk therapy is an excellent tool for helping people come to accept their diagnosis and learn skills to cope with it.
Also, you don't describe much of your wife's symptoms, but what you did describe just gave me a vague suspicion that you you may want to do a little research on Borderline Personality Disorder. It can often look very much like bipolar disorder and they are often misdiagnosed as one another but there are distinct differences. Individuals with bipolar disorder generally are not abusive unless in severe manic or mixed episodes and mood cycles tend to last for weeks or months at a time.
--anonbp (living with it)
This message has been edited. Last edited by: anonbp,
I just need somebody to talk to that understands--and, it's obvious you both do. I appreciate you!
I'm definitely going to research the Borderline Personality Disorder. You may be on to something. Let me do that and I'll get back with you.
This morning, she was a little better with me; but, she has alienated herself from the boys still. She thinks they don't appreciate her and take her for granted--As a result, she's stopped washing their clothes, making breakfast, and literally hasn't spoken a word to them in 4 days.
The boys seem to be coping--but their resentment is growing--I'm trying to keep the peace; but, we're hanging by a thread. I don't know how long I can keep things together. I've mangaged for nearly 20 years; but, I'm growing numb.
Thanks again, and I'll read about the Borderline Personality Disorder right now.
I went to several websites on Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY CORRECT! When I read the symptoms is was like I was reading my wife's diary! It is a perfect match in every category!
Now, my problem is how I can convince her to get help. Whenever I've brought that up in the past, it just sends her into another episode of extreme anger and irrational behavior.
I'll do some more studying and perhaps I can find some answers--in the meantime, I'd appreciate any advice.
Great that you are doing research, it's a shame that your wife is acting up again. Please be aware that Bipolar Disorder often exists with other co-morbid conditions, Borderline Personality Disorder being one of them. Does your wife ever suffer from depression? It seems that not only is my husband Bipolar, he probably has Narcissitic Personality Disorder which cannot be cured or tretaed. In my expereiences it explains why I have been treated with such disdain and why life always revolves around my man - it's all a nightmare. I have to keep reminding myself that it's not my fault. I understand your numbness though, if you overload something then it de-sensitizes,as that's all we can take too.
I am here for you if you just want to chat. Venting helps me stay sane. Getting your wife to the Drs is all you can really do.
Believe it or not I even feel guilty about chatting with you! Am I crazy or what?
It's been so long since I've ever enjoyed ANYTHING, just laughed with friends, or had a good time, that I feel sort of guilty if I try to do something nice for myself.
I learned a long time ago, even doing something for yourself is only fun if you have someone to share it with.
And from my postings it may be hard to believe, but, I have a very keen sense of humor--and on occasion I'm around people that bring that out in me and it's great therapy. But, humor is stifled in our home--I like to be funny; but, the opportunity is not only rare in my home--it has backfired several times and sent my wife into a rage.
I know this sounds like a self-pity party--and it is--I really do feel sorry for me. I have strong integrity, moral values, and there is a part of me that believes I deserve more... that it's unfair that I am in the situation I'm in.
The only resemblance of a life I have is at work. I'm an excellent worker, leader and manager. My work and teaching adult Sunday School are the only two things I really have in this world outside of my boys to fall back on. My faith keeps me strong and somewhat rational; but, I would be a liar if I said I have it all together--FAR FROM IT--I'm sad, lonely, and scared for my boy's future. The Bible says, "Be anxious for NOTHING, but give thanks in all things through prayer and supplication to the Lord." I'm axious for EVERYTHING--I know that's sinful behavior, but, I'm just about at the end of my rope! I treat my wife like a queen and care for her love her and nuture her and try to meet every need in her life--I will continue to do so--I always forgive her. How many times should we forgive? The Bible says 70 X 7. Good thing I don't keep records--I think I've exceeded that number a long time ago.
Thanks for letting me vent! Feel free to do the same. It really does help.
Please don't feel guilty about being on this site. We are all here to support each other and I'm so glad that I found this place last month. Even though my husband and I are no longer living together at the moment, he still manages to have an influence on my daily life which makes me seek solace here.
You deserve to have some laughter as do I. I had also forgotten who I was until recently. I have a successful pharma sales job(although I have been on sick leave recently) and I have a Masters degree. I have dabbled in Politics and have even served on a London Council. I would like to become an MP oneday... I realised who I was again as I have met new people out and about and have been told that I am fascinating. I thought I was a down-trodden doormat for so long. My husband has spent the last 5 years sucking everything out of me - I am 29 years old but feel much older. The last 18 months have been the worst, yet I still love him and want him back if he gets better. In the meantime I try to keep myself level but that doesn't stop me being lonely. Even when you have friends, they get sick of our situations and expect us to move on, easier said than done.
I'm glad you've had the opportunity to get in touch with who you are. I would be less than honest if I didn't say that I somewhat envy you. I would love to be free to do and pursue my dreams; but, I can not do that until my boys are on their own. If I'm gone for any lenghth of time the situation deteriorates rapidly in the home.
I work full time--but, I'm the boys couselor, advisor, coach, teacher, get them guitar lessons, buy their clothes etc. etc. etc. My wife's involvement in their personal life is virtually non-existent. She's a wonderful housekeeper and takes care of the house and is an absolutely fabulous cook. Until recently (she decided on mother's day she'll no longer wash the boys clothes) we never had so much as a dirty sock. And our drawers and closets were perfectly full of clean and ironed clothes. I always made it a point to tell her how much I appreciated what she does for us, and I try to remind the boys to do the same. But, on mother's day, she told the boys, "You both have stripped me of my motherhood--I'm just a maid--from now on you're on your own--clean and iron your own clothes and take care of all meals except supper." She isolates herself from the boys while at the same time she tells me that "we never have family time or discussions"--but she locks herself out of their world. And then she blames me for being such a terrible father. I'm rambling, so I don't know if I'm making any sense. But, I'm always trapped into a "no-win" situation. If I talk to the boys, she says, she's never included. If I don't talk to the boys she says, I'm a poor father. If I invite her into or plan a "family discussion"-she says, "That's your job--they're boys, it's a man's job to bring them up." Do you see? I can't win no matter what I do. It's basically a miracle my boys are good moral young men with outstanding grades in school. They repsect other people and I'm often complemented on their behavior. In the home; however, it is so oppressive that their "strong will" takes over and they outlash against their mother and the situation in our home. My wife sees them as spoiked brats--she calls them "takers" and not "givers." This is very damaging to their self-esteem. She doesn't see their good qualities at all!
My oldest son starts college this Fall--that's the good news; the bad news is that for his first year he'll still be living at home. I make good money, so I should be able to send him away to college in 2008. My youngest has two more years before college. He is more stable and I think he'll be okay unitl I can get him into school. After the boys are finally gone and they are taken care of, I will have at least on chapter in my life closed. I will be very pleased if I know at least my boys have an opportunity at life.
I hope each of them find a wife one day that will edify them and that they will also unconditionally love their wife. I hope they have a second chance of a happy home--when they start their own home. Then maybe I can live vicariously through their lives as a grandfather.
Thanks again Bev--I appreciate you listening. I'm quite a rambler--but, I've had no one to talk to in literally YEARS!
You're not rambling, I'm just glad that you can talk about your life and boys. Your boys sound very grounded and that's a credit to you
It's such a shame that your wife is ill, as other than that even she sounds like a lovely person. You are being very strong so stick at it but please try and make some time for yourself too regardless of your wife and boys. If you do not get any time-out then you will crash too and that's the biggest lesson that I have learnt lately. I am stronger now than before because I have had some time to heal myself. The rollercoaster is a killer otherwise.
I've made another grim discovery today in a back of a book. It was written by my husband before I had met him and contains his fantasies. One of them being that he wanted to smoke heroin (scary) but the second one has left a chill - he wanted to kill an animal like a cat (this is just sick!). My friend reminded me that this is how serial killers and psychopaths start out. I don't know anymore who I have been with for the last 5 years... I don't know whether to laugh or cry and yet no one wants to help my poor husband.
Hope you have a good day. Mine is nearly over here in the UK but feel free to keep posting. Have you had luck getting your wife to a Dr yet?
Hi Im Katie and Im 24 and I have Bipolar and a 2 yr old son and its hard to live with this illness and be a mother. I found out after I had my son and most of the time I feel if Im in an episode that I dont want nothing to do with him because I dont want him to see me like that. This illness is the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with in my life. And almost all of the time people who dont have this illness and just read about it and or live with a person who is bipolar they think that they know what that person is going though but in reality they have no clue and why I say that bc I hear it all the time "that I know what you are going though because Im going though it with you" thats what I hear. Maybe if your sons knew more about the illness and researched it on their own and saw a therapist maybe they could understand a little bit better. And since she doesnt take any type of medication it is ten times worse for her. I takes meds and I still have really bad days.
The rollercoaster ride is indeed a killer--and right now I'm at another starting point. I'm at the bottom, sitting in the car, and I'm hoping it starts soon, so at least I can start going up. I just hope the hill is a long-long-long ride to the top. But, the longer and higher the hill, the greater that sick feeling in your stomach when in just an instant the quick spiral descent downward happens.
I'm hoping that one day the roller coaster breaks down--while I'm stuck at the top of course!
May God bless you this day--may He make His face shine upon you, that you may find peace and your heart filled with joy!
Thanks for caring!
This message has been edited. Last edited by: GSUSLVZ,
My wife is on meds--it was much worse before the meds--the "episodes" were virtually daily. Now, they are weekly... The side effects of the meds is an acute "short-term" memory loss. We can literally have an intense, deeply thought provoking conversation about a major event--then literally an hour or a day later, she'll ask the same question and the same conversation will begin.
My boys have read all about the problem on the Internet and in books--it helps a little--but, to live in a house where freedom of expression is stifled is very difficult for a teenager to handle. This is one of their most expressive years. They are commpassionate; but, at the same time resentful. It's easy to say it's a sickness--and it is--but, it's a difficult thing to for a teen to grasp mental disorders since in the mind of my boys (and my mind too somewhat)--we are all responsible for our own actions. And if we feel we have no control over our actions, then we should seek help. So, we do empathize with you--but, that doesn't stop the hurt, and as a result we often forgo the sympathy.
We need understanding too... You say we don't know what it's like to be you--well, for that matter you also have no idea what it's like to be us. That's not a slam or a put down--it's simply saying we understand; but, there are times when we tire of the fact that the bipolar individual is the "victim of an illness." That is true--but, we often feel victimized by the abuse.
I hope you get well--and I pray God will show you the gift of life that He has given to you by blessing you with a child. Your child is a precious soul that needs a mother's love, guidance, and affection. May you hold your child today, look into his/her eyes and see his/her needs. And may God give you the strength, encouragment, and compassion to meet your child's every need. I also pray that God will heal you and remove this sickness from your mind and body.
I also pray for my wife daily--One day I believe God will answer my prayer. One thing for sure He will answer it on the day I pass from this life and go into the next.
God promises that in heaven "there are no more tears, no more pain, and no more sorrow." I look forward to the day I can begin spending eternity with my Lord and Savior--Jesus Christ.
I am an adult son of not only a BPD single mother, but a BPD step-mother also. I can certainly empathize with you and your boys. I could hardly read some of your posts through the tears, but you are an incredible man to do what you have for your boys. They deserve you. I wish I had some advice to make it easier. I think with your strength, your boys will be better off than I was. How I missed having a real father like you in my life to help me understand the irrational anger. Get your boys into counseling if they're not already in it. And take care of yourself so you can take care of them.
I appreciate your kind words, you have encouraged me greatly.
Remember you have a Father in heaven that loves you unconditionally! You put your faith and trust in Him and He will care for you. Unlike an earthly Father, He is PERFECT--and He will NEVER leave you or forsake you!
The Bible says, "Cast all your cares upon the Lord, for He cares for you."--the key word in that verse is ALL.
May God bless you in a mighty way this day FL410--I wish you the best in all that life has to offer.
If you ever need someone to talk to, I AM HERE FOR YOU!!
