Bipolar Depression

he called me today. called and asked me what i thought i might want for Christmas. i told him that the only thing i wanted for Christmas was for him to be able to look into my eyes and tell me he loved me. I get "luv ya" all the time. i want a real I - L-O-V-E Y-O-U. selfish? maybe, but thats what i want.

you know what i want for christmas my husband back, (whole, not broken) or at least getting rid of the denial and seeking help...
Its funny at wits end... i am always saying to everyone ok Lord stop making me stronger i am strong enough....I dont think BP is fatal, but it can be.. my friend's husband committed suicide during a depression phase.. he was real depressed.. I am praying that when my husbands mania ends he wont be so depressed that he goes back to drugs or worse... if he continues i cant imagine what will happen.

Sorry I did not mean to suggest that BP was not serious. Iknow that suicide can happen. At least there are treatments that work. Look at how many people live with BP. Anthony Hopkins/Carrie Fisher/even Winston Churchill had it and look what he did in WWII. So there is hope that is all I meant. I do so pray that your husbands treatment works and he will be ok.

at wits end I didnt mean to sound like i thought you were minimizing this illness.. I know you know that it could be worse, i was just venting my fears... I hope so much my husband will stop this behavior and get help...we had such a beautiful life a new beginning and then bam, he doesnt want to be married anymore, i am sick... he doesnt want to be with me, i am the reason he is so miserable.. I tell ya i allowed him to grow, do what he wanted to do, gave him everything.. silly me... i just pray that he gets help before he really causes a lot of destruction.. the first week he left he kept saying he was messed up and needed help.. then after that it was there is nothing wrong with me.. i want to be free....oh how hurtful... i put trust in this man, and go figure he said i never ever trusted him, and then i started catching him lying all the time.. its so bad.. Anyway, we must all keep the faith.. I still have faith he will come to me when he crashes and want help, if he doesnt i must be prepared for that as well. but in that book i was talking about all the people, (professional people) this woman spoke too told her that eventually the mania will run itself out he will crash and go back to her.. its amazing how there fear or losing us is what drives them away when they are manic.. and that is quite a compliment in a wierd sense cause they know how strong we really are and it scares them.
take care and keep writing, it so good to have online support.

my husband does that too...he asks me all the time why i want to be with him. he thinks hes a failure and a bum. he "knows" that i am going to get tired of this because he "doesnt know how long its going to take to fix" [his words]. so he pushes and pushes me away. he even told me that he's basically turned agasint me so why, why do i want to stay. i told him because i loved him unconditionally. i told him if wanted me to leave "for good" and not just a break from the situation that i would...its not what i wanted, but i would. in tears and stood up to go. i told him that when he figured out what he wanted and needed to come and find me. he asked me to sit down and stay. so i did. but yes, the mania will end, and perhaps it will take total destruction before it does. sometimes they have to hit rock bottom before they seek help...thats what happened with my husband. take some peace in knowing that the reason they push us away is because they know we love them and accept them and they love us...they are just unable to do anything with those emotions when manic. take good care there.

thanks hanginon.. i need to be reminded daily.. its getting harder and harder instead of easier.. you go from having someone wanting to be near constantly, calling you a hundred times a day, adoring you then bam they are gone and want nothing to do with you. I know in my heart he loves me, but it so hard to believe that when he just walked away from everything we had and shared... and LORD knows what he is doing or who he is with.. its scary, and imiss him and i would love to help him, but then i think how can he do t his to me... I am havinga bad monday, and I know i am jsut having a pity party day.. I am self sufficient, independant, great job great home etc etc. I have always stood on my own two feet and i have everything a girl good ask for, but it all means nothing without him... Go figure, and he never had anything, so to him its like he has lost nothing... Oh well i pray for the strength to be prepared for whatever God has in store for me. You all take care and thanks for being here.

i just wanted to thank you ladies for being here and listening. we're having a depressed cycle. i start my second job tonight, so i may not get to post as much. you all take care.

Hangingon, I know what you are going thru. Just found outmy husband has been lying about working for a friend. He is not making any money at all and did not tell me as he says he is a failure at life. I am angry he did not tellme the truth. But can try to understand him. I have a job interview next week. My broken leg is much better. So hopeyou wil all pray I get the job. We really need the money. He cancelled his dr. appt. this week but made it fo r next. I actually called the dr. to make sure he had rescheduled. Just when I think it is going well we fall apart again. I told my husbandhe has to be truthful with me, we are in this together, but if he keeps lying I don't know how long I can go on. At times like this I really wonder what Idid to deserve this life. I would really appreciate you guys responding, because today I am really upset. When he finally told me the truth I am like why bother tolie. I always find out. I think it is his pride. Just tell my why we put up with this. thanks.

I am so glad I have found this space. I have been so confused about so many things that my husband does and says. I have thought for some time that he may be bipolar, but just blamed his outbursts/behavior on being a product of his childhood, which was pretty anger-filled and neglectful. I always felt sorry for his misfortune. Like you all have said, when he is good, he is very good. But when the rage comes, lord help us all. He tells me that if he did not love me that I would never be able to make him mad. Here lately I have begged for him not to love me. His anger is unbearable, his accusations are intolerable. He has always told me that being with him was like a roller-coaster ride. That he would take me higher than I had ever been, and lower than I had ever been. Boy, was he telling the truth. He is high energy and "manic" in the spring and summer, when horseshows are going on, sleeps some not a lot, and when fall/winter hit...it is all I can do to get through it. I do not mean suicidal depression, he has never been like that, but withdrawn, irritable, rageful, and I am so isolated and lonely. He comes home every night, and works all the time, so I dont believe he cheats or anything like that, and I have not ever caught him in a lie. He drinks alcohol daily, gambles often...but the most impressive thing is the high mood, or low mood. There is NO in between. He laughs when I say that, and says, yes that is how I have always been, no gray areas, no stable times...only up or down. I am on day 14 of his last "episode" and I am very tired and feel depressed. In these last 2 weeks, he has cycled from happy one minute to screaming and cursing me the next...it is what I call "crazymaking". I feel he does it to keep me off balance. I thought he was just a rage-oholic and needed intense anger management. By the way, he has been sent several times by his employer to these classes. But the more I read, the more I am convinced that he has this dreaded disorder. The last episode started when I went shopping with my daughter, without telling him a few days in advance. That, of course is not acceptable to him. I was planning things without him. That rage lasted several days, then a few hours of niceness which I felt like we were really getting through this, but then last night...Whew, the bottom fell out. For 6 hours, he beraged me, belittled me, accused me of cheating while I was shopping with my daughter, said he was leaving, but didnt, when I cry he seems to get joy out of it...that seems kind of sick to me. Then after the 6 hours of screaming and the barrage of horribly hurtful attacks on my character (none of which were at all true) he finally said, pick what you want, we are getting a divorce. Fifteen minutes after that, he asked if we could go lay down and cuddle together!!! How can you say in one breath that you hate someone, and the next you want to go cuddle? Is it me??? Am I totally off here? Do I need the doctor? As I said, this only happens mainly in the winter months, he is high as a kite in the spring and summer. Does any of this sound like BP to you all? Please help...I feel as if I am drowning, and I am starting to loose my self in all this madness.

Dear confused. Is your husband on any kind of meds for perhaps depression? I certainly am not in any position to say that he might be bipolar, but it sounds to me like he's manic. And i only say that because he's exhibiting some of the same characteristic my husband does when he's manic. My husband was first diagnosed and treated for depression. It seemed to help at first; he was suicidal and the welbutrin brought him out of that. BUT it caused him to go into a manic phase, and my loving husband went from the man who used to call me 8 or 9 times a day just to tell me he loved me, to someone who screamed and cursed at me. He started using the Lord's name in vain, which was something he NEVER, ever did. He would tell me that he couldnt stand to look at me or hear my voice. He told me on several occasions that he wanted a divorce. He told me that i didnt understand what he was going thru, and that he wanted someone who did...and told me he was in love with another woman (who is bp as well). And all of this was coming from a man who is dead set against adultry because his first wife cheated on him constantly. He never slept. I couldnt even breath right. he stayed angry with me constantly. he blew up at me one night and the rage was unbearable. i begged and begged him to go back to the doctor, which he finally agreed to. That's when he was diagnosed with BP 1 with psychotic episodes and panic disorder. The doc put him on depakote. granted it did not all work at first because he wouldnt take them. i ended up having to leave because i just couldnt take how mean he had become. i am back now. he's on his med schedule and it is helping. we still have peaks and valleys, but they are not the mountains and the grand canyons that they used to be.

he doesnt remember all the mean and nasty things he's said to me. i have been to the doctor for myself. i was put on cymbalta and xanax. he asked me why i needed that, so i told him. he didnt remember any of it. and i've said all of that to say this: if your husband is bp and untreated, nothing will get better. he will stay in a confused state and you will bear the brunt of the anger. if he does seek treatment, the meds WILL help, but it will take time for them to adjust them to his needs. Take solace (if you can) in knowing that you are not alone. This is NOT your fault. we're basically all in the same boat. we all share the same stories. we're bound by this strange bond. Granted, some people are just mean and blame it on the bp, but with so many people exhibiting the same characteristic, almost down to the letter....its not just a flaw in their inner selves. Take care of yourself. seek the treatment that YOU need. know that you cannot CANNOT help him if he doesnt want help, and if he does, then the only way you can help is offer support.

You never know how strong you can be until you go through this stuff. How unfair it is to learn it that way huh!

And you never really know if it's just the bp or if its drugs. Because they exibit almost the exact same symtoms. At least they did in my husbands case. We went to the dr and he didn't know if the drugs caused it or if he had been that way all along.

It's really frustrating to wonder if he has brought this all upon himself. He's sober now and has stopped taking the meds too. And he is fine. Go figure.

Satan is soo evil sometimes. I can't wait until the world ends. God help us. We are already in hell. I can't imagine anything being worse than it is here and now.

Praying: Please do not feel like that. I knowit is hard, and sometimes it does feel like nothing could be worse. But itcould. I know this is a terrible illness, but we have to find something to keep us going. Whether it is family, friends, job or just ourselves. Life is a gift and we all go thru bad times, some more than others. I don't know why some of us seem to have more serious problems than others. But we can all help each other. I know this sounds trite, but life is a gift and we should all cherish it. I hope there is someone you can speak to or just post here. Believe me we care.

You know, no one believes me when i say that there are so many people out there with exact stories as mine....it is amazing, and as i read and re-read, I still can't get it in my brain, this is not my husband it is BP... THe word for word, behavior is amazing, and I could not bare to think that my once loving husband was a phony, I choose to believe (on a good day) his illness made him rage, and act out and leave. God Bless you all...I know i say this often, what a heartwrenching illness...I am happy for those that spouses at least try to get help.. Mine wants nothing to do with HELP... He thinks he is right and the world is all wrong...WHen he first left he did see he was messed up, now I have no idea cause i never hear from him, except once a month..I found out he changed his cell number and i was so hurt, that he didnt call me first thing and tell me.. I still dont know it... and i never ever ever call him... i am letting him be, cause the verbal attacks were too much, sometimes i wonder should i be reaching out to him, but everything in me says he will come to you when he is ready.. my heart is with you all....

hangin on, I had to cry when i re-read your post, my husband called me 10 times a day as well, just to say i love you, or he would text me.. he couldnt stand to be away from me. When he went to his AA meetings, he would call right when he left the house, then right when the meeting got out to tell me he was on his way home.. he would even text me from the meetings, guess he wasnt paying attention... Now I wonder who is he calling, who is he texting, I feel so alone and abandoned as well as i am doing, I think.. I just cant help wondering. WHY....??? It is so hard when you have someone so needy wanting you constantly then bam, they are gone, no calls, no hugs, no nothing, but hated for me...I am feel sad right now, cause when i went home from lunch, he left a message, so i would have his new cell number... The hard part is when you know they are BP but then they seem to be living a productive wonderful life without you.

Starr: I know how you feel. My husband used to turn to strangers. I couldn't understand why he wouldn't turn to me. I was there for him always, why did he need someone else. He had an affair with his secretary who was very unattractive, I found a card in his desk to her, thanking her for being there and such a good friend!!!! This was before he was diagnosed and was acting out in bizarre ways. As you know that was 3 years ago. He is onmeds now. and doing better. But you know he says he can't remember anything of that time. And when I tell him what he did he is so ashamed. What a terrible illness, to make the BPS feel so good and high and they treat the ones that love them so very badly.. I sincerely hope and pray for you that things will get better.