Bipolar Depression

Dear Hanginon, My heart goes out to you and all that have a spouse with BP.. let me tell you I am dealing with the same thing.. my husband left me 3 months ago...he is manic and let me tell you the verbal abuse was so bad.. I wont tell you the whole drawn out story, but i will tell you this... it is hard so very very hard... Remind yourself everyday, it is not him. it is BP, you are not dealing with your spouse you are dealing with an illness and you cannot control it... not at all. especially when it has reached this point....I noticed the behavior for a while but thought he would realize he needed help.. i kept telling him you need to get help. Now that brings me to why they thing WE are the enemy, because when they are manic it feels good, so you cant tell someone you need help that feels good why would they want to stop feeling good..its so messed up....we are they enemy because when they look at us they see that we know they are sick and they dont want to admit that.. they twist things and they think there whole world is right... I want to reccomend a book that was reccomened to me.. i read it over and over it is perfect and you will see all of the same things with this womans husband as yours.. its called what goes up must come down... by Judy eron. go to amazon and you can purchase a used copy... it is amazing she explains everthing about mania.. there is so much out there about depression but not the manic side... please get the book you will not be able to put it down. Now as for you.. take care of you and your children that is all you can do right now....you cant do anything for him, keep away until he gets right.... you dont want a man that is not doing the right thing by you or your children.. another guarentee is that they always say he will come crawling to you.. what goes up must come down... and he will be so sorry and hopefully get the help he needs... I miss my husband so much and its been so hard...but i have to let him be right now, i dont want to keep putting up with the verbal abuse and the hatred in his eyes.. i pray to GOD he will find his way and get help before its too late... all i can say is love him from a distance and take care of you because you will need a special kind of strength for when he crashes.. God BLess and read everything you can about this horric illness... TO love someone with BP is a hard thing, but they are so loving when they are balanced that you cant help but love them.. take care.

Thank you for the book suggestion. I've been trying to find something for the family support. I will certainly get it and give it a read. i know how bad the verbal abuse can be when they are manic. seems like they are only angry at us....and we are the ones that love them the most. im sorry your husband left you. i know the empty feeling inside. my husband doesnt leave me by walking out the door...he leaves me by being a million miles away in the same room. he had an episode the other day (we were in the car...i had no escape) in which he told me that the reason he goes for rides at night was because he couldnt stand to look at me or hear my voice. i was devastated. i started to cry, which just enraged him that much more. He suffers with panic attacks along with the bp. he gets a tightness in his chest and short of breath (which we've been to the er several times for). when he gets outside, he's ok and i told him that's why i thought he got out. he screamed and cursed at me and told me that all he wanted me to do was shut the f*** up and listen. so i did.....and five minutes later he was apologizing for making me cry. and today he doesnt even remember saying it to me. so i know its not him talking, that its the mania talking. but man, is it ever hard not to let it get to me. i try to be analytical about the whole thing.....but sometimes my feelings get in the way and i just cant help but cry.

yes, we do love them because when they are stable, they are the gentle, loving men that we fell in love with. thank you for the advice and i hope all goes and stays on an even plane with you and your husband. take care

I cannot believ how we all suffer the same. My husband also tells me he doesn't want to come home at nite to listen to me as he hates my voice and I nag him. In the car is the worst as if I say something he will get mad and turn the car around and go home and blame me. It's so hard when everything seems to be going well and then they turn on you, but to everyone else they are just the nicest men. I am going thru a good patch now. I don't know how long it will last, but he is on his meds so I am hopeful. He knows he is bipolar, but at times blames everything he did wrong on that. Other times he says he is so sorry for the mistakes he made and thinks about them every day and does not want to hurt me. It is so hard tolove a man who is bipolar and alot of people say just leave, but when he is on meds things can be so good. You or I just cannot walk out on someone I love with all my heart. I am sure you know what I mean. You all take heart and care.

I tell ya, will it ever end.. I too hate the fact that he is so abusive towards me and sweet as can be to others.. it is a very cunning illness...I keep praying for my spouse to crash.. I know that he is not this person, but its still so hard and the lonliness... I know in my heart though when this mania subsides he will realize all he has done and i will need my strength to figure out how to go from there...I can see the last year must of triggered this cause we have been through alot... everything a person can go through in a lifetime we have.. death, sickness, moving, hurricanes, new home, new jobs, new state etc.. so now i am in a new state all alone, with my husband running wild all over... he has moved 3 times in three months, and he never sits still he works crazy hours.. i jsut pray, someone sees the strange behavior.. cause no one would believe me like you all said.. he is so wonderful to everyone.. I am the devil too him and the cause of all his misery....jsut the other day he told his mom maybe i should of never left my marriage.. then he says but things would on never changed.. go figure... he has to chang.e. I am working hard on myself.. to keep strong and healthy, but i was the one trying to hold this marriage together for so long.. God help us all.

WOW!.... After all of these years of suffering, I have finally found people that I can relate with. I was always afraid to tell anyone I know about what was going on at home. I was embarassed to invite anyone to my house, for fear of what he would say to them....or to me after they left. You all have the same story as me. I am not alone. You all may not have any answers to make it all better, but at least you listen and can relate. Thank you.

My husband has agreed to stay on the meds (for now....until he changes his mind... again). So it's been a little more peaceful at home, but it's like always watching out the window... knowing that a storm is going to come, but not having a forecaster be able to warn you as to when.

It is so hard to ignore the hurtful words and blame it on some unseen force. It makes me wonder sometimes if it's really just his personality and not the illness. How could anyone ever know? But like you all say, when they are good..... they are sooooo good. But sometimes it's hard to weigh the good with the bad....if it's even worth it for what good does come out of it.

Sometimes I feel so guilty about thinking about divorce, cuz what kind of person leaves their spouse when they are ill. I don't want to be that person. I just want peace. Even if it is only when he's asleep. Just some peace. I pray for it everyday. I mean EVERY day. Some times it comes, and sometimes not.

I try to remember this saying,...."Everyday is a good day,...just some days are better!"

Some say I am so strong for staying after this long and all of the heartaches and trials... some times I think I'm weak for not having the guts to leave.

Only God knows.

praying for a miracle: I dont think you're weak for not leaving; i do the same things as you. but please think about this...if you allow your husband to keep on with the verbal attacks, he will keep doing them. after a month of sheer mental tortue i finally made the decision to leave. i came back. things were smooth for a bit, and then we got caught back up in the rollercoster of emotions again, mostly rage. i left again, and since then we've seen each other every day. he's stayed on his meds and we've actually been able to talk. granted, he still has bad days, but that is to be expected, and i can handle that. see, i was being an enabler. i was enabling him to keep on being a complete jerk to me. i was enabling him to ignore the condition and just blame it on the illness. when i left, it slapped him in the face and he decided then that he needed to stay on a schedule to be healthy and get the treatment. so far so good....we've had some very tender, loving and peaceful days. i've not decided if i'll go back just yet; im waiting (as you said) for the next storm. BUT...dont think of it as leaving him, think of it as leaving the situation. one of you is going to have to if he doesnt stay on his meds. one of you is going to have to make the choice to be healthy, and it might just be you, and it might just take your leaving to do it. we'll never leave the ones we love...but we can displace ourselves, if only for a little while, from the situation. my heart goes out to everyone like us. we have to be strong. we have to be healthy. take care.

You are right, and I know what would be best some days. I've got 2 small children who just LOVE their dad. I know I've got to be the strong one, and protect my kids. I just can't imagine how to be a single mom. I've been with my husband for 16 years. We've been through it all before, but without kids. It is sooo hard. I've never been with anyone else besides him, so I don't even know how to function with out him. I have an addiction....... to him. It's like drugs,.... you know they are bad for you, you know what would be the right thing to do, quit. But it's hard. Maybe I need to go thru a damn 12 step program to get over him.

But then maybe, I shouldn't be a quitter. Maybe I should look at it like any other illness that people face... cancer, heart conditions.... whatever. And just get a support group and get some doctors and just get through it together.... no matter how hard it is.

You can always look at it two ways. And I always try to be the optimist and go for best. No one is perfect. I know I am far from it, but the whole thing boils down to this. Is it a good environment for our kids? He is sooo attached to them,.. he would probably try to commit suicide without them. They are the ones that help him keep some sort of routine and feeling of "NORMAL" to his life. It's not always sooo bad. This is only the 3rd time in 16 years that he's reached a breaking point. Stress of life just gets him sometimes.

I try to look at things through his point of view and how I would feel and want people to be toward me. Especially if I were sick. I WANT to be there for him... even though it is hard as hell. And he knows it. And he actually appreciates me for it. most days...

I do think that we need our time apart. Everyone needs that sometimes. But with small children, we hardly ever get any real time together. We have been to a counselor a couple of times and the advice they have given us is actually helping. It's just something we have to remind ourselves to do everyday.

Marraige doesn't just survive on it's own. It's like a plant. It needs attention, in all aspects, to thrive. We just have to work at it. And this is what keeps me going. Even on really bad days. I know that everything will work out. .... I know it will. I have faith.

If we all just talk through it once in a while, (with a new ear, or a anonymous sympathetic one) I think we can do it. All of us.

praying for a miracle, please get that book i suggested for hangingon.. it saved me... really.. you can see how this woman in the book constantly reminds you he is ill cause she doubted it every second.. and how others saw him as "fine" it really is a book worth reading and you will read it everyday.......
i will chat with you ladies more tomorrow.. hold on and and pray pray pray, we will get stronger and be able to do what we are suppose to do for us as well as our loved ones.

You know, sometimes i think that y'all must be reading my mail because the thoughts, feelings, and actions i read about here are the same as mine. i too look at his bp as any other illness, and i know that if he were diagnosed with cancer or heart disease that i would not even DREAM of leaving him. I know that if he were stricken with a debilitating illness that put him flat of his back in the bed that i wouldnt leave. I guess thats why we stay so close, because we know that when the meds are working and everything is going the way that it should that the peace and the love is worth all of the heartache and outbursts. i can live with the snide comments. i can live with the rage. i can even live with the horrible things he says.....as long as he keeps taking the meds and getting treatment. the only ONLY reason that i left was because he was refusing to go to the doctors and refusing to stay on the meds. i knew that if he didnt do those things that nothing would ever change. i couldnt stay and reward that decesion.

you are right, marriage is hard enough without any other outside forces straining it. i am not perfect either. i have my habits that irritate him and he has his that irritate me. money (or the lack there of), and just everyday happenings tend to weigh heavy at times on a relationship, but when you add bp into the mix, then a mild summer rain becomes a hurricane. but yes, we stay because we love them. i believe that as long as we do not enable them to use the illness to abuse us, and as long as we draw the right "lines in the sand" that we can be there and provide the support they so desperatly need. it does get better. we had a very long talk last night and i ended up spending the night. we lay awake and talked all night just like we used to. he held me in his arms. he snuggled with me and kissed my back. it was fantastic to feel the love again. that is not to say that today will be as good, but i will certainly take all the bad with the good. he's got another appointment today. if he keeps it, i think its time to move back and give it another try. i kept telling him that i was not leaving him, just the situation.

this forum lets us vent. it lets us see that we are not alone and that our husband's (or any other SO) behavior is "normal" for lack of better words. the symptoms are all the same. they are not just being jerks. they are not just being mean for being mean's sake. as long as there is no abuse, we can stay and handle it. i hope to talk with you ladies often. take care

Hi ladies,
I have to tell ya, i have been with Alanon since i met my husband.. it was so much easier going when i was dealing with an addiction... cause the misery and bad choices they make on drugs is so much easier to detach from... They tell you in Alanon detach with love.. do not accept unacceptable behavior... then when you see them sober (or so i think) and they are running manic its hard to sit back and think ok he is ill, its not me... we CO-Dependants (addicted to addicts, or bp's) tend always blame ourselves and try to fix them... and We are not GOD, we cant.. we can only turn them over to GOD and let him do his work... cause when we get in the way, we only prolong the inevitable.. its the same with BP as it is with addictions.. i am blessed my has has both. lol. we cant stop it or control it.. we can only take care of ourselves and we can change how we react to them... loving, but firm. it works it really does... I wish i had used the tools i had learned on my spouse when i saw the mania rearing its ugly head.. but i was too focused on worrying about him using and losing him that i got caught up in HIM again. Now i am left without him.. I know in my heart he knows i was a good wife.. yah i made mistakes i am not perfect.. and he also knows that i love him with all my heart.. and i do believe he loves me.. But i am a mirror for him as you are with your spouses.. when they see us we are a reminder to them that they are not "Right" and we want to stop them from feeling so great, even though they are irritable and miserable...anyway, i can go on and on.. but a 12 step program is a good thing.. I have just started with a christian bases 12 step program and i tell ya it helps alot... We are NOT in control... we can only pray do the right thing for ourselves and our families.. these men will realize they have gems in us and as hard as it is now, we will come our of this stronger, wiser and we will be blessed.

Starr: i know that faith alone cant treat our husband's illness, but isnt it nice to have the comfort of our belief? prayer is like meditation for me. my husband was devout before all of this happened; he's not been to church since he was diagnosed. he's ashamed. he's cursed God and wondered why this happened to him and why He has allowed all the things to happen to him over the years. His inner struggle is painful for him, i can see that. but yes, faith is a powerful sheild for us. for those who do not believe that way, that is OK too, please dont think that Im saying that God is the only thing that can help because thats not what i'm saying. God gave us a brain so that we could help ourselves...by doctors, by meds, etc., but faith and the knowledge of a higher power is what keeps some of us hanging on and gives us the ability to raise our heads for another day.

Yes, Faith is such a comfort. I know when I go to bed at nite and my husband is home, I say a prayer and I feelhopeful. But the next morning I am so anxious again as to what the day will bring. My husband lost his job, and now is working for a friend and I just hope he gets paid enough to keep going. As you know I broke my leg 2 mos. ago and cannot work just yet. Every day is hell worrying about bills and whether he is getting better. I tell him we are not alone in this illness and sometimes he accepts that and other times he doesn't want to hear it. He left early this morning and seemed to haveit altogether. He has been normal the last couple of weeks and I am beginning to hope this is a turning point. But I have been here before and been disappointed. Before my husband was on meds he seemed to have a catastrophe every 10 years. Once losing ourhome. We recovered very well and I thought it was just a business downfall. I did not know the signs and should have when he stayed out all nite, had spur of the moment sex with strangers, but still kept his job and was successful. but then in 2003 he stopped going to the office and did not tell me. If I had not been home one day and got a call from his boss saying he had not been in in months he would have been fired. As it was he had been driving around all day. He said he could not keep thoughts in his head. We got him into treatment and he was diagnosed bipolar. He did eventually lose a great job, was on disapbility but that ran out. He was lucky to get another one, which he lost in 6 mos. So it has been a year since he really worked. It has been so hard, but I know he is sick so I stick by him. Lets pray for us all. I guess we women are strong for a reason. You all take care.

Your right, we must to do the foot work, and only GOD can change a heart and a mind.... my husband also was a believer as well, now he doesnt even pick up a bible..that is usually my first inclination that he is falling.. he stops praying, going to church, says he believes but he doesnt have to do this and that...thank god we all have a god given conscience if we believe in him... and no we cant do it by faith alone, but faith willbring us to where we need to be. We must have faith, cause i tell ya what i would be a basket case if i didnt have him making me stronger and getting me through this....I cant control my husbands illness, but GOD will hit him over the head in the way he sees fit...then he has a choice get help or not.

at wits end...I do the same, i go to bed missing my husband, and talk to GOD and feel good and at peace.. at least the household is quiet... then i wake up with a new sense dread, then i remind myself, that i cant do this, i have to keep giving it to god minute by minute... i take it back and think i can do something to fix this then i realize i cant and give it him over and over until the answers come, thats all we can do... the old serenity prayer is the best thing you can say over and over..."God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change the courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference" now how cool is that....

Starr: Yes you are right we have to let God help us. We do not know why these things happen. Bp is hard but at least there is treatment, it is not fatal. I guess in the scope of the world it could be so much else. Why are we faced with this illness only God knows and I do believe he does not give us more than we can handle. What do they say adversity gives your character, well then in the last 3 years I must be a great character. Ha Ha. We must keep on going for ourselves, familys the the ill ones we love. If we all talk together we will find comfort and and answers. God will watch over us and who knows maybe everything does happen for a reason.