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Ug. Been getting into trouble at work lately, rage against the machine. The klonopin helps, but I hate to take it, not b/c it slows me down, but just b/c the type of medication it is. I'm trying to do some b-mod on my own, and was wondering what others are doing in that area. I have learned that medication alone cannot do it all, but I have to try and change some things myself. What do some of you do when you are in that confused state, and nothing anyone is saying to you is registering? Or when you get anxious, and it comes across as anger/aggression? I hate this, not only how it affects my life, but especially how it affects the people around me. I know it's not fair to them. Crap.
Hello, I am pretty new to the bipolar diagnoses. I have no advice at this time. Sorry, I just want to sympathize. I find what you are describing as the most difficult part of what I am experiencing. I will keep watching. I need some advice too. I am pretty good at covering the lack of clarity, but I am getting very behind in my work. I don't want to lose my job. Nothing is helping so far. I am going to be trying new things as soon as I have any ideas. I will let you know how they turn out.
What seems to help my bipolar husband is when I remind him not to match something temporary with something permanent.
The depression is temporary, for example, but if he stops going to work, he'll get fired and that is permanent. So instead, I encourage him to make choices that help him to feel better but do not have such a permanent effect on things, like reading a book with the natural lights on, playing a video game, or doing other things that he enjoys or feels comfortable with.
Another example, on the mania side, is making sure there's not a mismatch between spending and mania. If he's manic and wants to buy a gym membership, I encourage him to go for a pay-as-you-go arrangement. This is because after the mania has passed, he won't want to go anymore, and this way we won't have spent a bunch of money on an expensive one-year commitment. not to mention that he has SAD he usually quits everything in the fall (work, college, gym, etc.), so I doubt he'd go at all in the wintertime.
Likewise, when he's manic he often wants to buy a franchise. I encourage him to hold down a job first - something you get paid for doing rather than the other way around, because once he's not manic anymore he won't necessarily keep up the business (been there, done that, paid off the debt).
This approach isn't always successful, but it has helped him to feel better without causing major damage in certain situations, and this helps our relationship as well, which further helps him to feel better.
Grace4u, sorry I don't have any advice 4u, I need advice for myself in the area of behavior modification. I need to know if anyone else is experiencing these negative behaviors. I'm so ashamed of myself, but I can't seem to change. I don't shower--can't remember the last time I did. I might have for my Mom's funeral in June? And my apartment is such a disgusting mess. I just don't care, but I do because I'm embarassed. I don't eat every day, so that's messing up my meds, rollercoaster-style. I need to change but have no incentive. Help. I'm so ashamed to admit this.
grace started this post a year ago,not sure if he/she is still around the boards,but all of you have made the first step.you've admitted you have a behavoir problem.stardust,i'm sure your current situation stems from your mothers funeral.understandable,and sorry for your loss.no doubt you're in a depression.have you talked with you pdoc.maybe a med adjustment is needed to help cope.in addition,a therapist may also help.as far as controling your behavior,its something you must want to do.it may involve going back much further than the obvious issues.also much deeper.what i mean is for some reason bipolar people tend to set hurt and pain aside.the real pain anyway.it gets replaced with other feelings.how ,i dont know.however everytime they set the real pain and hurt aside it accumilates with other hurt.this leads to a episode which inturn ceates more pain and hurt that gets set aside and accumlates more.do you see the pattern,and harm it does.what happens when you run out of room.i truely believ that bipolar cannot be controlled or managed without a clear conscience.all that hurt and pain set aside is far from a clear conscience.the hurt i refer to is more than just what you've recieved,also what you've given.maybe none of this applies to you stardusk,but i'm sure it applies to many Bp sufferers.being a non bp,but a supporter,i know the importance of a clear conscience.how ever being with a bp that chooses to ignore problems,pretend things didn't happen,or simply forget, creates challenges.dont let yourself fall into this.
I'm in the same boat you are in and I was fine just two months ago. I'm not BP, but I have had several bouts of PTSD/depression/anxiety in the last 14 years. I'm on my 6th bout now. It started when I got involved with a man who was BP and I didn't know it. I was finally able to say the words "I love you" to someone and felt that I was finally safe with him. I gave him my virginity which I had been saving for one special man. The relationship only lasted 2-1/2 months. He just disappeared one day and I haven't been the same since. I had been very successful in my career at the time and I could barely finish the deals I was in charge of and haven't worked full-time since. When it happened, I thought I was going crazy. I didn't understand why I woke up each morning with my heart pounding out of my chest and why I would freak out if I left my house. I was going out of my mind! I went to 4 shrinks (3 MD's and a therapist) and went on 7 different combos of meds. I finally wound up going to the top psychopharmacologist in my city. Nothing really worked except the occasional 1/4-1/2 Xanax under my tongue for extreme anxiety, which the psychopharmacologist had taught me. It just finally lifted and I was able to get back to my life again, but never the same as before.
About 4 months ago, I had the misfortune to get involved with another BP guy. He was so good and kind that I loved and trusted him. Again, I didn't know he was BP and once again, the guy disappeared with no discussion or warning, leaving me in a state of shock. This was the first week in November. I have barely left the house since. I lie in bed for most of the day staring at the TV, but unable to really concentrate on any of the programs. Whatever business I have to handle, I take care of by phone, internet or fax. I don't eat or drink water. I ruminate and cry uncontrollably. Sometimes I don't shower for 2-3 weeks. My house is a filthy and I haven't been able to concentrate enough to pay my bills for 2 months now. This is diametrically opposite from my normal, organized, outgoing, gregarious behavior. I am very familiar with the pit that you are in.
Here is what works for me: I decide on a day that I am going to leave the house - I gear myself up for it. Maybe someone has invited me to a party or out to dinner or there is some function I want to attend. I spend several days planning what I will wear and gearing myself up to feeling OK to leave the house (I get shaky on my front lawn). When the day comes, I give myself a good 3 hours to get ready. I spend a long time in the shower and scrub every part of me, spend a long time brushing my teeth - then I sit in front of a makeup mirror and put on meticulous makeup and blow dry my hair. By the time I walk out my door, I look terrific and feel able to do the activity. Oh, and I have the TV on the whole time I am getting ready - it keeps me company and helps to keep me from ruminating on things. Of course, if I wake up that morning in an even deeper pit, I don't push it and just stay in bed and make plans for another day.
It doesn't always work - I tried to get out this past Friday night and, after a few minutes at the function, I ran to the bathroom and sat there, sobbing for 15 minutes. That scenario got repeated 3 more times until I finally ran sobbing from the event, into my car and back home to bed. But, the other times I tried, I was able to attend 2 parties and unfortunately, a funeral. I think it has to do with going somewhere familiar - the parties were given by good friends of mine. The funeral was for my best friend's mother and I knew everyone there. I shook the whole way to the funeral, but once I got there, I was alright. I knew no one at the event that I ran from this past Friday night. It was a room full of strangers who kept coming up and introducing themselves to me. And, the venue reminded me of this last guy who disappeared.
With regard to the "eating" - I lost 7 lbs in one week during this latest bout with PTSD - and I was very skinny to begin with. I've put 2 lbs back on and it's a daily struggle to eat. What works for me is to get things that I really like and normally don't get a lot of because they are of little nutritional value and I am normally a very healthy eater. For example, I can always manage to wolf down a "Kit-Kat" bar. Or a pizza. At least you get some calories in you. Then be sure and take supplements and vitamins. You can get that fizzy vitamin C and put it into a bottle of water - that way you'll stay hydrated and get your vitamins. You can take a sublingual B-12 which is pretty painless and easy. Liquid calcium is also easy to take and some of the brands actually taste pretty good. I am now able to make salmon almost everyday in the toaster oven. Put down some foil on the tray so the cleanup is easy. Buy the frozen, wild caught variety only - not farm-raised. It's easy to make - just lay it on the foil and put a spoonful of salsa or sauce on it and cook for 15 minutes or so at 350, then let it rest for a few minutes. If you can throw a frozen green vegetable (not the kind in sauce - too much sodium) into the microwave, then you have a easy, nutritious meal with very little cleanup. Plus, studies have shown that salmon consumption can help with depression. One can only hope.
Get to the market using the same technique as going to the party. I bought $150 worth of groceries and completely stocked my house over a month ago using this technique. Buy lots of frozen stuff and lots of water. Oh, and don't forget the chocolate - it keeps forever! Apples are also a good choice as they last pretty long in the fridge. And, if you refrigerate avocados and let them ripen on the counter one at a time, they will last a long time too. Try to eat regular food, not too many sugary or starchy carbs as they can exacerbate mood swings.
Do the same thing with straightening up your house. I am trying to sit at my desk and pay my bills in "stages". Yesterday, I sorted the bills in piles and threw out the excess paper and junk mail. Granted, it took me all night because I am having trouble concentrating, but I did it. Today, I organized all my receipts into piles. Maybe tomorrow I will actually be able to pay something and possibly lick an envelope. We'll see. I have four months of filing to do.
If you wake up and find yourself in a deeper pit than usual, don't push yourself - maybe just watch something innocuous on TV, like the Food Network.
Good luck. It's really tough to pull yourself out of the pit and even worse when everyone else just expects you to "snap out of it". I feel like I'm disappointing everyone I know.
Posts: 146 | Location: u.s. | Registered: 11-17-2007
Just wanted to check in, say hi and see how you're doing.
I noticed that you've been responding to some others with suggestions and encouragement for their situations. That's great that you are able to do that in the midst of your own turmoil. What I have found is that sometimes it can be helpful to turn your focus away from yourself and on to others. For me, anyway, it seems to help (at least temporarily) to bring me out of my head so to speak and it makes me feel more purposeful (can't think of a better word at the moment) on those occasions when I'm not otherwise.
I know you mentioned that you had seen a therapist in the past. Not sure if you found it helpful but it might be something to think about given your recent events.
When my mom died 12 years ago, I was feeling really sad and emotional (obviously) but was also dealing with feelings of guilt; feeling like I didn't do enough for her in her last months when she was really sick and that I should have spent more time with her, etc. (Side note, my mom had battled clinical depression her whole adult life; I think it was "SAD" because it would come on in late fall like clockwork every year, and then it would lift by early Spring. She wasn't bipolar because she didn't experience any of the other swings. Interestingly enough, during the last three years of her life, she was being treated with some medicine for breast cancer--can't remember the name of it--and the medicine seemed to have "cured" the depression. Very weird.) Anyway, after she died I thought "she would not want me to be feeling depressed like this, knowing how much it took away from her own life." I decided I should talk to a therapist. I was referred to one in the city, but after two sessions, I decided she was not for me. She seemed very "old school" and came across as extremely authoritative and condescending. I thought, nope, not for me. I'm not gonna pay for somebody to make me feel worse than I already do! lol.
But then, coincidentally, there was a female psychologist in one of the offices in my building so I decided to talk to her. I liked her off the bat because she had this very soft, calming voice and a real gentleness about her. Also, she was into "new age" stuff and she incorporated things like yoga exercises and meditation into the sessions. She also had me practice visualization techniques, which were interesting and helpful. I can't recall how long I continued going to her, maybe four or five months I think. But I got a great deal out of it and I felt it helped me to manage my emotions (and guilt) in a healthy way.
So I thought I'd pass that along; might be something to think about.
Please try some of my suggestions. I hope you feel better soon. I know what you are going through.
Hi Mystified,
I'm trying really hard to pull myself out of the pit that I am in and feel a little better today. Thanks for the suggestions about the therapy. Been there and done that. Been to quite a few and none really helped with my condition. Only one of them ever gave me any help at all, and she was the one who got me to understand that my mother treated me as a "self-object" (a narcissism thing - I only existed to be an adjunct to her), which explained a lot of my insecurities, but didn't really help me with what was going on at present. I even went to her recently and she told me that she didn't know if she could help me any further. I would just sit in her office and cry for an hour and nothing would get better.
BTW, I am already very into the Eastern philosophies, I could teach yoga - been doing it for over 20 years now. I also belly dance. And, I've had acupuncture and almost every other type of New Age healing technique. But, I need to be motivated to do these things and I'm still working on just getting from my bed to the desk to do my bills.
I have been posting suggestions for others, because sometimes I am able to see others' issues more clearly than my own - I am very good with logistics & with identifying the obvious and dealing with it - even for myself. And, because I have those areas "covered", what is left for me to deal with is more difficult to handle. Because of my own insecurities (stemming from my upbringing), I don't always handle myself perfectly all the time, so when things happen, I am unclear as to whether I have caused them or not.
With regard to my present situation, I am trying to remember the things about my guy that sent my antenna up and downplay the perceived good stuff (which was probably phony in the first place). An example of this is when he told me that his wife almost took out a restraining order against him after he found out she had been cheating on him. This guy appeared very mild mannered to me so that didn't make any sense. But, in hindsight now, after seeing him have only one angry outburst over my discovering his spending, I'm thinking she knew him for over 20 years - there must have been a reason she was thinking of doing that.
I keep reminding myself of that angry dating profile he put up that he knew I would read. I force myself to remember how he angrily stormed out of the room when I tried to discuss his compulsive spending which I had just discovered. He wasn't so nice and he hadn't been honest with me. I had emailed my best friend in the middle of the night from his place to vent about what was going on and I read and re-read those emails, which serve as a makeshift "diary" of the events and my feelings. I was shocked, scared and unhappy and I was stuck in another state that was a 6-7 hour drive from mine with a man who was "different" than how he had portrayed himself. I try to imagine what I'd be feeling several months from now if I had actually moved in with him and saw this behavior.
I have a problem with "magical thinking" and accepting reality. It's a Borderline Personality Disorder trait. My mother has it too. I have to keep reminding myself of the reality of the situation and that, no matter how much I try to "think" it into being the way that I want, it is what it is and I cannot change that by ruminating about it. It's never worked in the past and it's not gonna work now.
So, I'm feeling a little better, but I know I will probably "hit the wall" again at anytime. This is a process - a journey, and it's not one I wanted to have to take again.
Thanks for the kind words and suggestions. And, Merry XMAS.
This message has been edited. Last edited by: chattycathy,
Posts: 146 | Location: u.s. | Registered: 11-17-2007
I think you are on the right road to recovery if you can continue to distinguish between reality and who he pretended to be. Just think about how much worse it would get if you confronted him about more and more stuff. Things could have really gotten ugly. Looking at things he may have done or said that should have let you in on the fact that he was bp. I know I was young when I met my husband and he did and said things that should have alerted me to the fact that he was suffering from some mental illness. The depression when he had no reason that I could see that he could be depressed. The mood swings and walking out on us over and over again for no reason. The distorted thinking ie believing that the people who treated him the worst and abused him were people he could trust and love (his family) while the people who cared about him and supported him (my family and I) had some alterior motive. All while I was thinking that his childhood abuse was the reason he acted the way he did, nothing could ever help me understand why as an adult he would return to his family of origin and tolerate them stealing from him, putting him down, using and abusing him, and even physically attacking him. He used to say that he always knew I would protect him (which I used to but I eventually got tired of). Thing is when I met him he tried to make me believe that he was this strong, independent, brave person when in reality he was none of the above and hid behind me often. I know it stinks how they fool us but again just be glad you found out sooner than later.
Oh and I forgot to mention that a long time ago my soon to be ex had done some pretty awful things to people that I didn't know about when we got back together. When I asked him about it he said that he didn't know why he did what he did other than he wanted to make others feel what he feels inside. At that point I still had no clue what he meant. Another thing is the more that I started confronting him the more he would start calling me the devil. I told him that he was sick and that I remember someone telling me that he was fighting demons inside of him though at the time I had no idea what that meant. Maybe thats what people who have bp feel you think?
Hi Chatty, I've got some of your suggestions covered. Take supplements in the am and pm, and I have to eat a snack, usually a sweet, with my pm meds. Sometimes I even skip that. Got the oven heating up for a pizza right now. Didn't eat yesterday. Got plenty of groceries, nothin' sounds good, ya know? I can't go out in crowds much, I just say no to the invite. Usually don't have trouble shopping--don't have to interact with anybody. Had trouble even thinking about it today. Needed to do some shopping for my sis. But I did it. And my therapist tells me the same thing, even wash just one dish per day til I get going. Just get moving if only a little bit. But let me tell you, I have big plans for 2008. Gonna kick my a** of this chair, away from the computer and "just do it!" Merry Christmas everyone.
I think you are on the right road to recovery if you can continue to distinguish between reality and who he pretended to be. Just think about how much worse it would get if you confronted him about more and more stuff. Looking at things he may have done or said that should have let you in on the fact that he was bp. The depression when he had no reason that I could see that he could be depressed.
That's the thing - my mind keeps playing tricks on me where I think that I am not remembering properly - I was severely sleep-deprived the entire time all of this was happening - I was practically psychotic. His behavior wasn't THAT obvious - if he was raving or belittling me or being violent or cheating or anything like that, I would be able to just walk away, knowing that amy perceptions are correct. But, he was acting calm (overly calm even), sweet and nice - calling me his "an-gel" the whole time. He was also being kind of moody - the sparkle in his eyes wasn't there like it had been during the two previous visits. I thought it was because he was back to the real world and working and hassles with the kids, etc. It could have been because he didn't really believe that I wasn't gonna have sex with him. Maybe he thought, once I was there, I'd succumb to his many charms. But, he could have asked me to leave and he didn't. Even after his anger over my discovering the spending, he said I was overreacting when I offered to leave. That's why I find this silent treatment from him so puzzling. Who's overreacting now?
He had valid reasons for being depressed. He had lost his wife, job and whatever money he had, all within a 6 month period. And, he had to move several times. Also, I don't think there was anything else that he was hiding - believe me, I looked for stuff after finding what I did find. I was the only girl he was seeing or speaking to. And, he wasn't spending all that much at that point (he had already bought the wide screen TV, designer patio furniture, $60,000 convertible, $1000 nikon digital camera and more, 6 months before meeting me - when he had no job at all) - and he was finally making some good money, so it wasn't THAT big of a deal. Although, he had complained to me the month before that the check he received from the medical practice wasn't enough to cover his basic monthly expenses so he had to take out a loan from them - but he now said that he had done so many surgeries that he was able to pay back half of it already and I think that was true.
The problem was that he LIED to me about being "frugal" and when I brought this latest spending to his attention, he literally turned into someone else right in front of my eyes. He even had the nerve to exclaim "I've never lied to you!" It scared the sh*t out of me!
And, I had a clue about other issues because he was CONSTANTLY complaining about everything in his life. Him "braking his back" to make a living. Whining on about his wife - what she said & did to him in the past - what she's doing to him now - what she's doing to the children - what a girlfriend over 25 years ago did to him (apparently all the women in his life have "taken" at his expense - that's why I sent him back the expensive digital camera he had bought me) - that the doctor he works for pressures him to bring in more business, that the anesthetist doesn't want to work on his riskier patients in the private surgical suite and he needs to use the hospital, that he has to run and get his kids unexpectedly during the work day, that some guy in the religious congregation is making trouble for him, that his kids always need money for something and he has to lecture them, etc. And, of course none of this is EVER his fault.
It's very hard to know what is really going on when you live in another state, but you hear about successful courtships all the time - and I was gonna be living there with him in January. It was very telling, when his son told me that he feels he causes even more stress for his dad when he is around. No kid should feel like that. I thought his kids were darling and fun - but he couldn't really relate to them and didn't make plans to do anything with them. Also very telling were the text messages his wife sent non-stop the first night we had his son. "Does she talk more than Daddy? "Does Daddy look happy?" "Did you and Daddy do anything?" "Are you having fun?" I got the impression from these that "Daddy" must have been morose and quiet all time and made no plans for his children". It was another red flag I chose to ignore, but it's all making sense now! And, to think he's telling people that we broke up because "she couldn't deal with my children". What a joke! I liked his kids more than he does. I wanted to make plans for them - do fun things with them. I shoulda known when he was talking about the home we would rent as "our love nest", that there was a good deal of narcissism there. I told him it would be more like a "family home" than a "love nest". I wanted the kids to feel comfortable hanging out with us because he constantly complained about how his wife manipulated them so he didn't see them as much as he wanted to. More bullsh*t.
One day, after I noticed that he had severe knots in his legs from standing all day, I massaged them and he told me that no one had ever done that for him before. I questioned "Not even your wife" - he said "no" - I said "Couldn't she see you were in pain" - he replied "I never complain".
Right there and then I knew he was oblivious to what he really does, but I didn't say anything. Just like he's probably oblivious to the pain he is putting me through. He knows full well, but then he doesn't. It's the narcissism. The lack of empathy. I've read on other BP websites, how BP's write in that they have no feelings for their wives and children, even though they know they should. He fakes it though, really well, with his patients.
I knew very little about BP before a few weeks ago. I thought BP people were all alcoholics or drug addicts who lived on the street or very ill and hospitalized and couldn't hold jobs or anything. I didn't realize that the spending, caffeine, smoking, overblown romance, blaming, religious and other joiner involvements, strange eating and sleeping habits were symptoms of this disease. I never understood what "mania" really was. And, I still wonder if all these symptoms could just be the OCD he admitted to and is medicated for (if not for the disappearing act at the end) OR maybe he's "just not that into" me. If I had not been clued in by my neighbor who read one romantic letter and asked "Is he BP?", I wouldn't have ever suspected it. I would have just blamed myself and thought he was acting like a cowardly jerk.
quote:
Thing is when I met him he tried to make me believe that he was this strong, independent, brave person
So did my guy - he helped bail his brother (who is probably BP) out of numerous scrapes, and his own wife as well. He seemed so "upstanding". That's what I loved so much about him. And, he was all about "being there" for me, supporting me, nurturing me, etc. Lip service. Well, he's not nurturing me now ....
Oh Geez, now it's after 8 pm and I'm all by myself and I'm remembering how last year when I spent the holidays alone, renting videos, I swore to myself that "next year would be different". And, here I am, exactly one year later and there aren't even any videos at the store that I want to watch. I feel like if I had just kept my big mouth shut (or maybe spoken to him more tactfully), I would be partying with my honey in another state and going to Mexico for New Years. And, I would have spoken more tactfully to him, if I had gotten any sleep over the previous 4 weeks! I had tactfully spoke to him before over some things and this didn't happen. I was berating him just like his wife did and must have triggered something. I still can't believe he just disappeared from someone he professed to love so much. I sent him several emails asking for forgiveness. (The last one was on 11/24/07) Oh, I'm having meltdown again ....
If he were sitting on the computer searching dating sites, I wouldn't be as depressed, but he was only on there once today and it was only for 4 minutes! I just can't seem to let go. I want to know what's going on with him. He's going on with his life. I've made a HUGE emotional investment in him and can't seem to let go. He was really pressuring me to come there and be with him. He kept saying that he needed me by his side. I would say "You know that I'm here for you, even when I'm at home, don't you? and he'd reply that it's different to just look across his bed and see me there. Interesting how it was all about the bed for him - he didn't say that he liked seeing me in the kitchen making him dinner or kissing him when he walked in the door - Hmmm, curious. Or maybe I'm just grasping at straws. It's hard to tell at this point, I've been doing nothing but ruminating about him for almost 2 months now.
I keep thinking that, so what if he spent some money? He let me take everything back and he told me that "it wasn't that bad and I agreed". He said "everybody's gonna have something" and I agreed and so did all my friends. No one is perfect, as he kept reminding me. Funny, how only dysfunctional people use that expression. It must be rehearsed. I can't help but feel that, once I got there, he would be less stressed and I could get things under control. He always used to say that "control is an illusion". But the alternative has to be something better than the complete chaos he is living in.
I need to keep remembering that he was Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde. Only the bad guy didn't come out all that often and what I saw wasn't really that bad. He was just kind of silent and moody and not the happy, calm, easy-going guy that I thought he was (and that everyone else thinks he is). He didn't keep me around long enough to see if it would get any worse. I had made up my mind that I still wanted him, even with the lying - I thought he may have been embarrassed to tell me the truth - that's what my girlfriend said (and she has 4 brothers and seems to know men!). Oh Geez, I wish I hadn't said the things I said to him. I accused him of being a narcissist and asked if I was going to spend the rest of my life undoing things that he's done. (He surprised reply was "I don't think so") That wasn't all I said - I was just ranting in a stream of consciousness manner. I was upset and I went on and on, while he tried to make jokes and calm me down. He even ended the conversation by saying that I'd have the beautiful Thanksgiving I'd always wanted, just not this year. Sobbing, I asked "Will it be with you?" and he replied "I think so!"
No wonder he dumped me two days later. He thought about the way I had spoken to him and never wanted to go through that again. His wife used to berate and denigrate him - or so he said. It came as such a shock to me because I thought everything was OK. I thought that the conversation made us stronger. He had never spoken to me in the manner that I had spoken to him. But, I had never misrepresented myself in any way. I walked my talk. He was very nice to me except for the "flip-out" over his spending. He even bought me new tire when I had that blow-out picking up his son that his wife left stranded in a park at night. Of course, I had to tell him that he was buying it for me! I had to tell him a lot of things. He was a "slow reactor" (except in the OR where he went into some kind of zone). Abnormally calm on the surface. Must have been all the meds he was on.
I just feel like he really needs me to help him in his life and, because of my lack of tact, he won't have the help that he desperately needs. Although, based on that dating profile he posted for my benefit, he is just so happy with his life and sees no need to change. He is so angry with me. I wasn't aware of it until I read that profile. He must still angry and it has been a month and a half since we spoke! I guess I too, was angry with him for lying and that's why I didn't use any tact when I spoke to him. I was safe in my own home and took the kid gloves off. Plus, I had detected a change in him before I left - I was insecure and scared because everything was happening so fast and he was not as reassuring as he had been when I first got there. But, I wasn't gonna throw him away over it. I still loved and respected him. I guess he really didn't love me - it was probably just an infatuation. A fantasy. He was "smitten" and that wears off.
He'll find someone else and I won't - I've been alone for years!! All of my dysfunction ex-boyfriends have gotten other girlfriends. Some women will put up with such crap just to "have" a man. I am dreading that call from my friend who sees him every fall at a party. He'll have a girlfriend or fiance or new wife (even with his crappy, disorganized life - he's still a gorgeous surgeon and most women are impressed by that). I was just the "rebound girl". Meanwhile, every guy I meet has some kind of personality disorder. The normal ones are all in relationships! That's why I had made up my mind almost 4 years ago, that I was never gonna date again. I so regret letting my friend from another state fix me up with him. I just can't afford this PTSD right now - I had finally gotten over the last one (and he knew it and did this to me anyway!). Oh my - i'ts 3 am now and I've been laying bed all day just ruminating about this! Maybe after Valentine's day comes and goes I will feel better - spending these holidays alone really depresses me. Gonna go and take some calcium now - maybe it will help me sleep.
This message has been edited. Last edited by: chattycathy,
Posts: 146 | Location: u.s. | Registered: 11-17-2007
To whomever read my post above, thank you. I was very upset when I wrote it.
Well, I'm feeling better today, partly because my guy was on the dating site for a long time today rewriting his profile. Now, instead of inviting women to "feel his aura", he's all about believing in the "power of positive thought". Telling prospective dates that "There is NO profit in pessimism" - and says "if you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong" - "if you want to laugh, have fun and enjoy life, write to me". Are they in for a surprise!!!
This is a man who is most definitely NOT fun to be around!! He doesn't enjoy anything!! Well, maybe sex, but we didn't go there. LOL He doesn't even have time (or money) for "fun"! His idea of fun is spending $300 on DVDs at Costco on a manic binge! I didn't fall for him because of his "fun" nature -it was because of his sensitivity, sincerity and loving nature which was all part of his mania. He's rather quiet and morose when he's not complaining about something. LOL Again, he's writing as if he is someone else - the guy he is IN HIS OWN MIND!!! If he's rewriting it already, it's not a good sign. If he had met anyone or was having success, he would have left well-enough alone. Just by the "tone" of this new essay, I can tell that he's depressed and is trying to convince himself! I guess that's what happens when you dump the best girl you've ever met! I guess he doesn't have a new girlfriend (and he had two whole months to find one) to take on that couples trip to Mexico over New Years. Tsk, tsk!
At any rate, I feel better. I was able to sit at my desk for a long time and pay almost all of my overdue bills!!! It's sick, however, that my sun rises and sets with his whereabouts and he could give a sh*t about what's happening with me.
It's just so hard to understand how someone can go from love to hate (or complete disinterest) in a matter of a few days or weeks. From calling me everyday and leaving me beautiful messages calling me his "an-gel" and saying how much he loves and misses me to NO CONTACT AT ALL!! I still don't get it.
If this hadn't happened to me 14 years ago with another guy, I'd be in even worse condition than I am. And, I'm pretty bad. I'm going to try and venture into the shower this week. And, maybe put on a yoga tape and try to follow along. I'm running out of food and have to go to the market. Then there's another lonely new year's eve which I am really dreading.
And, no one understands what happened. None of my friends "get" it. They haven't been unfortunate enough to encounter any guys like this and they don't understand how he's not himself - he's a different person and that's why I'm so upset. One of my friends even feels sorry for HIM!!! "Poor guy", she says - he just wants love. He was just embarrassed over his spending problems and it's not "that bad". You should have found the stuff and just kept it in the back of your brain for a while (I couldn't -it was eating me up and needed to be discussed and resolved). You shouldn't have brought it up to him. You should have spoken to him nicer. He's a "good guy", "he's just not the guy that's meant for you". Then she says "no matter what happened, you were perfect for him and he should have clung to you like a life raft". Huh?
Just based on what he is writing (and keeps changing with rapid frequency), I think he is just plain nuts - BP or no - he's just nuts and grasping at straws!! LOL LOL LOL ROTFL THIS HAS BROUGHT A SMILE AND LAUGH TO MY FACE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN TWO MONTHS!!
This guy has no clue how to laugh and have fun - the night we played "RISK" with his son, he was smile-less and inanimate - his son and I were having a great time scheming and making side deals to join forces and win! I was the one who made pizza night and did "make your own" sundaes and suggested playing the game. I was really a great girlfriend and if he ever "cycles" back into sanity again, maybe he'll remember that and miss me. Or is memory loss or "selective memory" another symptom of BP? Anyone??
Eh, the dating sites are slow right now - everyone's waiting till after the holidays to end relationships. He should have better luck in January (which is the busiest time for him and he won't even have the time or energy to date!!! LOL) I wonder if he'll find himself a new girlfriend then. Oh well, that gives me a month before becoming too upset.
I'm feeling MUCH better now and maybe will tackle some more bills! YES! And, the weather where I am is gorgeous! Maybe I'll even venture outside this week!
HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE! Here's to a better time in 2008!
This message has been edited. Last edited by: chattycathy,
Posts: 146 | Location: u.s. | Registered: 11-17-2007
ALways though of myself as a social, friendly guy. I am. But people, many people, aggravate me every day. I have bp II. I am still trying to figure out how to not let people bother me.
