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Hi, i'm struggling with getting help. I have a great deal of mania. Has lasted for a lonnnng time. Right now I am mixing pretty regular-you know up/down up/down...I have spent the last 2 days reading others post, message boards, etc.I have tried to take a mental inventory of my life.I can recall my first crazied episode. I was about five. I would have a feeling that something was near me...I don't know how to put it. I was scareed and my mind raced.I told my granny I felt like I was surrouded by invisible clouds with faces. They took me to the ER and said I had a panic attack. I am now 36 and this is the first time since I am dealing... I haven't been to the pysc in about 3 years. I seen her for 8 months. She dx me with post traumatic. My oldest and only girl (my love child, my baby) had just entered high school. If I could have written a letter to the stork and pre-ordered my daughter this is what I would have asked for. She smart,beautiful, class president, volunteered w/ small children, and with nursing home patients, citizen of the year and had been nominated home coming queen. This was when she was 13. She had recieved a letter to attend a beta convention for youth leaders in chicago. To make a long long story short she was sodimized on the trip and of course i flipped out for 8 long months obscessing with trying to fix her and make it all go away but I couldn't. This was the beginning to my last 3 years of mania. I gave up on the thereapist. I was working about 36 hours a week. Thought I would get another job and work 40 more. I did this for about 10 months. During this time I divorced my husband of 18 years and abandoned my children. I was always a good mom. You know cookies on the table head room mother-mother of the year-baseball coach-brownie troop leader and blah blah blah. I then met a man 2 weeks after leaving the only man i had ever been with and married him. 3 months later I totaled the only brand new car I had ever owned-fell a sleep at the wheel. The next week I lost both of my jobs. I have pretty much lived off of 4 hours a sleep a day since. Last summer my step mother went into a severe psychotic state and was dx with bp. I stayed with her for 4 months. She slept 2-3 hours a day and talked to dead people. And my sister got married and in the airport she went to potty and came out running about 40mph buck naked searching for Jesus Christ so he could save her. I guess you get where I am coming from????? Bottom line... I am exhausted. I want to stop with the rage, racing thoughts, the yo yo cycle. However, I have a few problems-Don't like meds, Don;t know if I wil like myself on meds-don't want to be a veggie-I enjoy my mania-I get a lot accomlished like this. I feel "handicapped" know what I mean????I hate the word BIPOLAR. I think I married husband #2 in mania!!!!! I make really bad choices sometimes. I don't think things threw I just do them. Have been told I also have ocd on top of bp. I have never held one single job for more than 1.5 years. I have had 7 jobs and moved 8 times in last 3 years. I'm tired of running. I think I am running form myself and I can't get away. When I am manic I am in my "comfort zone" is this wrong? What if I agre to take meds and just sit on my ass all day and stare at the trees like my step mom or worse have to be committed like her. It's been a year and she still talking to her dead mom,dad and brother. BUT...she will not take the meds. I think this is an evil disease...and I don't know where to start and I am scared. I don't like pitty-don't like help. It is a lot easier to come here in my pj's than go to an office. Can anyone help while my mind set is on getting some help before I change and run away again???? I will say... it does feel good to know I am not alone. Lonely is no place for us to be. Thanks in advance for any comments-good bad or ugly.
I'm still in baby steps with all this, but I'll share what I know.
I take Valproic acid for the mania and Prozac for the depression. Neither of the meds makes me catatonic - which was a concern I had. Anti psychotics are the ones that bring on the "thorzine shuffle", etc...
The Valproic Acid has slowed my mind enough so therapy can work. I can make good decisions; stop the rage before it happens, etc... It has literally changed my life (see my other post on Valproic Acid).
I feel your pain for sure - I know what you’re in. I can't tell you what to do, I hope you find the answers - and know we are here.
My anger is justified, but how I express it is what really counts.
Posts: 20 | Location: So CA Mountains | Registered: 08-27-2006
I know you're in an unimaginably bad place right now, but you need to take that step to get help, and that probably means meds. But don't assume you have to be a vegetable to control the mania. You need to work with your doc until you get the right combination that works well for you. That doesn't mean things are going to be perfect, but you need to find enough peace so you can work on your other problems.
It takes a combination of meds, mind work, and lifestyle changes to really get healthy. If you're careening from one mad thought to the next, it's hard to work on anything at all.
I hope you'll get help soon, and change your name tag. Let us know how you do.
Thnks lynn, I know I have "screwd up a lot of lives. I'm scared that medicine will make me deal with who I am. I'm afraid, so I keep on running away. What if i hate myself when something slows me down and I can't believe what I have done? Then the sad part is "it a battle" I'm just tired of battles and tired of staying on top-trying to stay on top. I am mentally and physically wore down. It's hard to believe i have had this shit my whole lofe and someone finally says it's deeeper than u know...I've been settin here for days gong over my life child hood on-I've always been like this. I like my mania-and that's why I am having so many problems right now is b/c my mania is going away, my head hurts and I'm to tired to consentrate long enough to get anything done. Sorry to vent on you-do u understand where i am? Thanks for taking time to reply. kelly
first of all, you have to get over the idea that you will be a different person if you get on meds. You will still be you. The idea that you won't like yourself probably comes from all the time you have spent trying to like all the undesirable behaviors your bipolar brings out. Its hard to have healthy self esteem when you are fighting off bad feelings . You can try starting with the easy part; something is biologically wrong with your body, and you need treatment. For some people its easier to get that treatment if they are more in control of what kind and how much treatment there is. Use your pc and the internet and read and learn all you can about bipolar. The parts of the brain it effects, and what meds help which symptoms, and which chemicals in the brain control those symptoms. Learn about natural things like Omega-3 fatty acids and daily morning exercise combatting depression. Meditation and self-hypnosis can help some people with bouts of mania. Just looking back at your life and taking an inventory of your mood cycles can really put things in perspective and help you understand a lot. If you ever need help, resources, websites, help finding counselling or MH care in your area you can email me, I'm happy to help.
today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground
You have an illness just as if you had diabetes. Diabetes needs to be controled as well either by diet and exercise or, if that's not enough, by medication. Bipolar is really the same thing. An illness that needs to be controlled. Most often by a combination of therapy and medication. I understand the fear of medications because I too was very scared at first. I didn't want to be a vegetable. I take valproic acid (aka Depakote) and Effexor. This controls my mood swings enough to let me work on the things I need to work on. The important thing to remember is that if yoy are having problems with your medication and you have given it a reasonable length of time to start working (usually about 6-8 weeks) you can speak to the doctor or psychiatrist who is treating you about it and try a different medication. There are a lot of them out there these days and it may take a few trys to find what works for you but if you work at it, your bound to find it.
[QUOTE]Originally posted by skrewdup: Hi, i'm struggling with getting help. I have a great deal of mania. Has lasted for a lonnnng time. Right now I am mixing pretty regular-you know up/down up/down...I have spent the last 2 days reading others post, message boards, etc.I have tried to take a mental inventory of my life.I can recall my first crazied episode. I was about five.QUOTE]
im new to this too, but our childhoods are very similiar. i can remember it starting when i was in the 2nd grade. im almost 25 now, and have been dealing with bp2 for my entire life med free. i was diagnosed a few months ago, and looking back it explains everything. im terrified of taking meds, and yes im worried that i may feel different or not like myself, nd that the side effects may be horrible, but i am willing to take that chance bc i know if i dont then it will only get worse. my depression has gotten so bad over the years and i have been exper. mixed states sometimes in the span of minutes, and i understand not wanting the help, but then when im so depressed on the verge of suicidal (which has been horrible and more frequent lately) then and only then do i want the help. ive had so many anxiety attacks lately too. the mania isnt helping you as much as you think tho.
pros:
1. get alot done 2. tons of energy 3.c-o attention/peoepl are attracted to this 4. your comfort zone
consthat will get worse over time)
1.your kids dont have stability (im no way insulting your parenting skills dont think that. there just perceptive and can see whats wrong even if you cant) they might not be able to lean on you if your unstable 2. you lost the man you love 3. possibility of more marriages, or promescuity which will take a toll on u your kids and self esteem 4.RAGE! 5.racing thoughts, irritability, insomnia, hallucinations, 6. loss of job-jobs! the list definatly goes on, and if you didnt feel liek you were close to or at your braking point then you probably wouldnt be asking for advice. it is scary im not going to lie, im almost 25 and im scared to start meds, only bc i dont know what to expect, but i can tell you this, ive read so many posts about peopel who didnt want to get help, and it only got worse, and more frequent. i dont think i could handle it getting any worse, sometimes its still amazing that im alive today. you also need to think of your child, she will need a mother to care for her emotionally and other wise, but if your up and down all the time she wont have the support she needs. i think that you should think about how your mom was when you were a child and then you may understand what your child is seeing and gong through. she has been through a great ordeal already and i think that it would do you both good to get counseling even maybe together so she can learn to talk to you about bp and other things as well. i really wish you the best, and hope that you take the plunge, im not sure how old this post is but u can contact me anytime. let me know how everythings going. and last but not least you need to do this for you, cuz if its not then i dont feel liek you will really try. but that goes with anyone and there treatment. take care. sorry so long. amie-
that will get worse over time)
