Bipolar Depression

After his blow-up last night and he calmed down he told me that he would go back to the doc. I called and made an appointment. When I told him about it this afternoon he exploded and told me he was sick of me pushing him, sick of me making him go to the doctor and that he's leaving and not coming back. What do I do when he wont go for treatment?

It's the mania talking and controlling your husband, and unfortunately, it may come to the point where he has to be hospitalized in order to control the episode. If he shows any signs of being dangerous to himself or others, you should think about that. But in order to get a perspective on this, I think you should go to the doctor and find out when it is appropriate to call 911 and have your husband taken to the hospital against his will. I don't want to recommend this unless he is really in that state where he might be dangerous.

Outside of that, is there some way you two can separate until he agrees to go to a doctor? Is there someplace close by you can go? You might tell him, "Look, this is when you need to show up at the doctor's office. I'll be there. But I'm not staying with you until you do this with me."

It's so hard to deal with someone who is manic and unresponsive. I am so sorry you are going through this. But I think you have to at least draw some boundaries and make it clear that unless he gets help, you are not hanging around to take his abuse.

I hope this helps a little.

Lynne

Yes, I do have a place I can go, but I hate to leave. In the frame of mind he is in now he would go file for divorce. In fact, when he became verbally abusive last night I put my shoes on and told him that I was going to take myself out of the situation until he cooled off. He exploded and told me to sit down at the kitchen table so we could make a list of things we wanted so he could take it to the lawyer. I begged and begged him not to do that, to just please wait. He calmed down enough to stop, but that's it. No affection, no nothing. I so don't want to leave him, but I just dont feel like I'm going to have a choice. The episodes have gotten progressivly worse over the past three days......i love him so and i hate to see him suffer so because for about five minutes out of the day he'll break down and cry and tell me he doesnt want to hurt me. I just want him to be well, whether he wants to be with me or not. Thank you Lynne for your words, they do offer some comfort. I can't find a support group in my area, so "talking" with someone who knows helps. God bless. I'm hanging on.

PS: Is it typical of someone in a manic episode to totally dislike their spouse to the point of not wanting them to touch them or even look at them?

I am the father of 4 and diagnosed Bipolar in July. I suffered from this for years until I was honest and correctly diagnosed.

I always assumed my wife was leaving and therefore I was planning what I'd do after divorce. I knew I was going to be left. Defensively I would strike out.

I ruined more vacations and family day outs than I care to remember.

One day I totally exploded and then crashed hard. My wife said either I go voluntarily to the hospital or she's have me sent. In a moment of clarity I went and stayed for 10 days.

If your husband is bipolar and also having psychotic or schizophrenic thoughts, he might not be able to make the rational decision to go to the hospital. Hopefully your doctor can help you with that.

Remember we are here. Dave

Thank you Dave...everyone who has replied...you just dont know how much it helps to know that we're not alone. I've thought several times he needs to be in hospital, but he doesnt. He doesn't even want to go to the doctor. He demands that I stop pushing him to go. I keep telling him that there are multitudes of people who are suffering AND SURVIVING bp with treatment, but he just thinks I'm being a nuisance and has no time at all for me. Last night was OK. When I first got home he was so very angry, but he eventually calmed down. He told me "look, you're in the line of fire right now and its because you're trying to help me. I just want to be left alone, everybody else leaves me alone, why cant you?" How can I? He doesnt want me to go to the doctor with him, and I know he wont be honest and tell him whats going on because he's really good at putting on a fake smile and saying "everything is OK." My heart is so heavy. All I can do is sit and watch him go into a downward spiral. He curses and is just so angry right now. I'm praying everyday. He tells me he doesnt want to hurt me, but then tells me to leave. Pushes me out the door, and then asks me not to go. I hope and pray that he can have the clarity that you did to see how much he needs to get help. I just want him to be well.

I've had a thought I need to share - two main thoughts actually;

1. You are stuck in his torrent. Everything is spinning and you have no where to turn. He keeps himself and you in his torrent because that's what he’s accustomed to. It's what he's used to. You will not find an answer in the torrent with him. You must step out and find clarity to make and follow through with the right decisions. It is the right thing for both of you.

2. You were afraid that he will divorce you if you leave. The same people do remarry after a divorce you know.

Someone is going to have to take steps towards being healthy, either you or him. Do you have children? How is all of this affecting them? How is this affecting you?

I say all this as my thoughts and opinions. My life has improved 10 fold since July. I now enjoy hearing my children giggle, laugh and play. I don't want to shoot the neighbors dog when it barks at me. Small things do not drive me insane. Etc... Etc... Etc...

I guess I had never thought about me being caught up in his torrent, but I do agree. Well, he kept his doctor's appointment today. At first he didn't want me to go, told me that he was a big boy and didn't need any help. Five minutes later he called and told me that I could go ahead and come with him if I wanted, so I did. When the doctor asked what the trouble was he said, "I cant say, she's sitting in the room." I explained to the doctor about his severe anger and irritation, etc., so he was prescribed Depakote. When we left the doctor's office he told me that this was the straw that broke the camel's back, that I just couldnt and wouldnt leave him alone. I just dont understand, I just dont! He told me again that he was leaving and not coming back. I'm praying that the Depakote works for him and in time he'll realize what he says, because I really don't think he does at this point. He has one daughter, 17, we have no children together. She's only been told a little bit because he threatens divorce if I tell her anything. I'm in a whirlwind of emotions. I've been to the doc...he gave me Cymbalta and Xanax, still doesnt keep me from crying everyday. He says I'm a mope and a ballbag. I dont know what he expects when our lives are crumbling around us. I know that I'll have to take the steps and leave for a while, until he sees that its not my fault. I was just trying to live in denial I guess. I hope and I pray every day. He's just so mean right now and I know he can't help it. Thank you again for the reply. There are no support groups in my area and he said if I went to a counselor because "they don't know anything" that I'd do it by myself......again d-i-v-o-r-c-e. God speed.

Depekote is what I take (actually the generic Valpuric Acid version) at 2000 mg a day. Each pill is 250 mg so I feel like I'm taking a fistful (even tho it's divided up). I also take 40 mg Prozac (for the low side). Depekote is a mood stabilizer for the high side.

I want to fill you in on some things I've had to deal with on Dep. It works very well on slowing down your thought patterns so you don't always feel over whelmed. My racing thoughts are at a normal speed now, hence reducing my irritation and anger.

Now to the other side of the coin. Dep gives me "Depekote Burps" - nasty acidic - yuck. Milk helps a lot and most foods ease the effect. You can also take Prilosec (which works well). Dep also gave me very weird dreams - I mean really weird. I've gotten past those (but did have a series last night????). Dep made me ravenously hungry. I just couldn't eat enough - that lasted about 1-2 months and has eased since. Finally, my mind is not quite as quick as it used to be. I fix a 50 million dollar radio system the Sheriffs use. I am now struggling to keep my thoughts straight and focused. My attention bounces some and sometimes I can't come up with words I want to say.

Back to the plus side - I haven’t hit my kids since July 1st. I have only been angry enough to really yell once - and I mean yell, really pissed.

I hope it works and he takes them religiously.

Meds aren’t the only tool in the battle – Cognitive Therapy has worked very well for me, along with Guided Imagery.

Thanks so much for the information. He was in such a manic state today that he was mumbling under his breath talking to me. I kept silent and just let him talk. He forgot his welbutrin this morning, so i think that might have had a lot to do with his confusion and bad thoughts. He stared taking the depakote tonight, along with the rest of his meds, previcid being one of them. he took off tonight, said he couldnt stand anything or anybody. i let him go, told him to clear his mind. he took me by the shoulders and said "I do love you." first time in about three weeks he's said that. I'm not sure where he is, but he called and let it ring once. thats the signal that he's ok. as far as the therapy goes, he wont hear of it. he's dead set against it completly. maybe he'll come around. im glad to hear that you're doing so well with your treatment, it gives me hope and thats something i've not felt in over a month. take care

I forgot to add something for you. I highly recommend you go to yahoo and search for the "Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance" (DBSA). They hold meetings nationwide for sufferers and/or family members. This can be a weekly thing for you - to keep your head clear and to have contacts to help you. Maybe someday your husband will go, but your MH is important too. NAMI is another possible source for support (but I haven't had dealings with them).

I found out today that NAMI has a state organization, but none in my area. I was able to find a good counselor and I've made an appointmet for me...he's still dead set against it, but thats ok for now. We had a good day today. He was still on edge most of the day, biting heads off right and left, but he seemed to mellow out a bit as the day went on. He's still on the move, says he doesnt want to be around anyone right now because he's tired of being mean and hurting me. He called tonight, not sure where he was, but he was having a panic attack. He just kept asking me if I was sure I loved him. I assured him that I did and that he was going to be OK. My aunt suffers with BP and she's been a lot of comfort to me; she's able to explain to me some of the things he's feeling and why he's taking some of the actions he's taking right now i.e., we never spent not one night apart in the five years we've been together, and now we spend every weekend apart. Ive found, or renewed that is, my faith and that helps a little too. and talking with the kind people who post here gives me strength as well. I want to be as strong for him as I can be. I keep telling him that we can face whatever comes to pass and i mean that. It was a good day...first day in a long long while. God speed to all

He's taking his meds and the extreme highs and lows are now giving way to a milder form. He's starting to talk more level headed now. We are surviving, he is not talking suicide anymore, thank God. He had a moment of clarity in which he apologized to me for saying all the nasty things...first time in a month and a half. I pray for his continued success and my continued strength to support him. And thank you all for your kind words and advice. It helps me so much.

Dear hanging on;

I am in the exact same boat as you, but with 2 small children in the mix. I'm emotionally drained and I cry everyday. I pray MANY times a day to help us have peace and happiness in our home.
I've been w my husband for 16 years. He was just recently diagnosed w bipolar... and he is also a drug addict. (off and on). We cannot plan our life, because it changes so drastically from minute to minute. I love him so much and we have been to hell and back in the last 16 years. I could deal w it when it was just me and him, but now we've got children who are being affected by his extreme moods and delusions.
I feel helpless, I finally begged him to go to the doctor and they have given him Abilify. He hates it. He feels empty, and he doesn't think it works. But it is keeping his psychotic outburst to a minimum, but he still scares me, cuz I never know what is going to trigger them.
One night a few weeks ago (before we went to the doctor), he was sitting in the closet crying. He has an uncontrollable feeling that he is about to die or someone is trying to get him. He thinks there are cameras in our house and car. Any time something breaks, he thinks it is because someone is sabatoging him. Most days he doesn't even trust me because I don't beleive him. It hurts so bad to have him not trust me. I am the only one that has stuck by him.
It's been really bad lately, and he gives me guilt trips about making him go to the doctor and take "their drugs" instead of "street drugs". "What is the difference?" he says. He talks about suicide or hurting others, but when we talk to counselors he is the sweetest, most understanding guy, williing to try anything they suggest to make things better. He puts on a front and makes it seem like there isn't any problem, then makes me feel like I am the one with the problem.
How do I help and support him through this? How do I explain to my children what is happening to their daddy? I am also just hanging on..... by prayer mostly. I don't even know what church to, cuz their are so many different ones out there. But I'll be praying for you all too. Please remember us in your prayers also.

I know i say this a lot in my posts, but i have to say it again: i am totally amazed by the "carbon copy" stories about loved ones of bp sufferers. why do they not trust us? we are the ones who go through the bowels of hell with them. we are the ones who suffer the brunt of the mania and the sheer despration of their depression. I cant answer any of those questions. and you're right, you cant plan anything because everything changes from day-to-day. my husband too blamed me for making him go to the doctor. He blamed me for triggering his mania. he told me that i was the only one who pissed him off. he too was nice to strangers and put on a happy face for everyone but me. he went through about a month where he didnt want me to even touch him. he has threatened divorce several times. he has screamed and cursed at me, which is something that he would never, ever have before done. he hates to see me cry because it makes him feel bad. i cry for him....and i cry for me. i cry for our loss. but....since he's been on the mood stablizers there has been some sense of peace restored. granted, its not all hunkey dorey, but we do not have the extremes like we did before. there are ups and downs...there are good days and bad....and there are still the panic attacks; however, all things aside, the meds seem to be working. he doesnt think so, but i tell him some of the nasty things he's said to me (which he doesnt remember) and i tell him he doesnt do that when he stays on the med schedule.

all i can tell you dear is to encourage him to stay on a med schedule, to eat right, and get plenty of rest. my husband has his panic attacks at night, so when i hear him start to breathe heavy, i'll send him to the store so that he can get out for a ride. that way he doesnt feel guilty for leaving. when your husband is in a manic episode, there is nothing you can say or do that will convince whatever idea is in his head is wrong. all you can do is sit and listen until the hurricane is over. i've learned to speak very softly and keep seated when he's that way. it seems to agitate him if i raise my voice or if i stand. it does get better, even though you may not think so. there are a lot of very friendly and open people who ssuffer with bipolar who post here. their frank answers to my questions and recommendations have helped me. yes, it does get better....and how do you support? by taking care of yourself and your children. you WILL get hurt and you WILL get burned out if you dont take care of yourself. I have been to the doc....he put me on antidepressants and xanax (i started having panic attacks as a result of his outburts). it helps....it makes it where i can hold my head up. hang in there....as long and he's not abusive. i will pray for you and your family. Godspeed.

I understand what you are going thru. My husband is bipolar and unemployed. I go thur hell as I do not know how I am going to pay my bills. He is on wellbutrin, lamictal and seroqil. He still goes thru times when he blame me for everything. I railroaded him into taking these drugs. I am the cause of everygthing. He says thru the years I wanted too much. He was a bank vice president before he lost his job, now he has not worked for 3 years. He has had affairs thru the years but says they meant nothing and it was his illness. But surely if he knew it was his illness he could have stopped. I love him very much, but do not know how much more I can put up with. I do not trust him and question everything he tells me. Our friends know he is depressed but not the whole story. To everyone else he is just the greatest guy, no one would ever believe what I have put up with. I think they would think I was lying if I told the truth. Everyone loves him. it is only with me that he is so awful. I cannot leave now as I have no where to go and no relatives. I came into some money this year and stupidly paid off all our bills and the mortgage uptodate. Now everything is late again because he is not working. He keeps telling me he has a job coming. But it never happens. I pray for all of you who are going thru this.