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Two months after we were married my husband started to show signs of depression and long story short, he is bP2. I am trying to be as patient and understanding as I can be but at times I feel like we aren't equals anymore and that I need to choose between living a productive life and caring for him. I don't always feel this way but I do worry about our relationship being strained. Things just aren't the same (obviously). I feel like we have a mother/child relationship at times. Of course I can't bring myself to tell him any of this because I don't want to hurt him but I just don't know what I can do to feel as though we are equals and that he IS my husband.
did your husband exhibit any depressive symptoms before you were married and/or manic symptoms? did you notice? i'm not being "cheeky" here but from what i know about bp you don't have 1 episode of depression and are automatically diagnosed. there is usually a pattern of depressive episodes as well as what looks like non-depressive episodes. also, why do you need to choose between a productive life or caring for him? you've been married 2 months or so and are already feeling like you've been given either a death sentance (like he probably feels) or like the rest of your journey with him will be drudgery. you can have a productive life and care for him at the sametime - it is a balancing act. what if you found out your husband had a major heart disease or if he was diabetic or if he had MS. Would you question the same? it may not be heart disease or MS or diabetes but it is a medically related/chemically related illness as well as mood/emotional. heart disease is chronic lifelong, MS is chronic lifelong, diabetes is chronic lifelong, bp if he is truly is also chronic lifelong. also, care for yourself otherwise you'll get burned out as well as the resentful your posting expresses at this moment.
If he was just diagnosed get him on a scheduled managed treatment program NOW. He needs to take what meds are prescribed (many months to years of meds and changing meds) and to get into therapy and stay with it. He needs to attend all his pdoc appointments and discuss things with the therapist, pdoc, and you.
If he can get started and he stays with it then he will have a better chance of managing it. It is not curable nor is it fixable but given the right circumstances, it can be managed with some fair outcome.
Corey is right, it is lifelong and chronic. There will be ups and downs, he'll go along well and then he may derail. He'll not want to take his meds and he'll not want to go to therapy. This will either be his behavior or his behavior controlled by the illness, you won't know which it is, sorry.
You have to look after yourself first so that you won't get burned out as Corey said. If you get burned out you will be of no help to him. He will say things to you that you couldn't fathom him saying, he'll do things that you can't imagine him doing, it is the illness or not, you'll not know and he won't neither.
If you are not prepared to do this for the long haul and it will be a long haul, if you aren't willing to do as Bette Davis said in "All about Eve" "boys fasten your seatbelts for it is going to be a long and bumpy ride" then you need to consider your options NOW.
I'm not suggesting divorce or annulment but consider what you are getting into and research research research. Read every book and talk to everyone you can about this illness.
Now for the frankness I am well known here for: You got married, thought of having a wonderful life with the hubby, hubby gets a mental illness and you think oh crap what I just got dumped with (the mother/child remark and not being equal and chosing a productive life or caring for him sort of hit me wrong), poor thing.
If you think you are superior and are concerned now that your hubby will have to be "cared for" like a child and you aren't willing here in the beginning then consider your options.
No, he had never had any problems before we were married. It was a slow decline into depression and a couple of suicide attempts. We have been married for a year and a half but his suicidal tendencies have been present for about 8 months. That is why I feel like I have to choose. I completely undestand your comparisons but it is how I feel, trust me, I don't WANT to feel this way about him. And yes, I am burnt out.
To be honest, no, I am not prepared. I have no idea what he is going through and I don't know how to deal with all of this new stuff. That is why I am here. I also don't understand the onset of the disease. Can it just "snap" be there?
i was diagnosed bp this year. i had had the symptoms for several years but was diagnosed with major depression, the wrong diagnosis and the wrong medications given. as far as what i've read and questioned bp just doesn't "snap" and it is there nor does it "snap" and it is gone. like marie suggested, you need to read up on it. there are good books and websites for bp. bipolar disorder for dummies is one book, the bipolar handbook is another, loving someone who is bipolar is one, an unquiet mind by a dr jamison is one, and john's site (mentioned here) is another, there is also pendulum.org which is a good site too. these are more for the bipolar person but should give someone close to them a insightful view as to what is going on or may be going on. ask his psychiatrist for literature or books. just learn all you can learn and take care of yourself. suicidal tendencies is part of the illness in and of itself, stress will trigger episodes also. sorry i can't be of more help.
These resources will be helpful, thank you. I am begining to wonder if he is bi polar. His actions at the moment seem to match the definitions but he never showed any of these signs (besides depression) before being on meds. I will do some reading...
ConnieH: Reading the posts here has helped me understand the horrible experiences I've had with my wife. We've been together a long time, but she recently treated me worse than I imagined she could, and for a longer time than I thought possible. (Not the first time, just the worst time). It's been the low point of my life.
The selfishness that some bipolar spouses can display is shocking. It appears that some people begin to have worse "episodes" as they age. They can say things that leave you reeling and hurt--like they have gained a secret talent at tearing you down with words. They may run--either literally, or in some fashion create a deep divide between themselves and their significant other. When they run it is likely to a reckless relationship--maybe even a stranger. They may boldly take unspeakable risks or make destructive life-changing decisions. When you are married your life--kids, finances, future-- gets dragged through the mud with them. Sometimes verbal and physical abuse takes place. Many of us spouses begin to look in the mirror and ask ourselves what is wrong with us that we would let someone treat us this way. Some of us have become co-dependent and are essentially the self-appointed, designated victim.
Connie, there is a lot to consider. I have not left because at this point I'm still thinking myself to be in the role of someone who's spouse has contracted a serious illness. But the treatment I've received has been very harmful to me mentally. My life is no longer happy. My future feels bleak. The concept of "true love" has been stolen from me. I'm in therapy and should be on anti-depressants. My sweetheart has been replaced by a person who is regularly selfish and unbelieveably mean. The verbal abuse is wearing. The infidelity and "acting out" is heartbreaking. Now I'm trying to put myself back together enough to make a wise decision. Until then I'm drowning in ambivelance.
It may be "right" to stay with a sick spouse, but there may come a day when lines are crossed and the relationship becomes seriously painful, perhaps harmful, to you. Follow your heart, but take my advice and watch out for yourself. This is serious stuff for a spouse to endure. Heart disease or MS doesn't cause the patient to call their spouse horrible names and run off to a lover.
no bp is not like ms and heart disease in that comparison. bp IS LIKE hs and ms because it is an illness, disease, disorder of the brain which is a organ like your heart, it has a nervous system and is the controller of such as in ms. please note that not all bpers are vicious aggressive abusive lack conscience people. not all. bp affects and effects the brain differently in each human, it modifies and affects each person's personality behavior and control differently. this is why there are so many different meds and treatments. you guys got a bad lot in your relationships not necessarily a bad person.
i'm painfully sorry for that BUT NOT all are like that and yes each has collateral damage and residual damage, it can't help but not inflict that, but most i've come to know and myself would rather destroy myself then to destroy those around me. then again someone who thinks it is unfair that they've been afflicted with this (and it is a affliction) becomes angry at the world and all who live in it and lash out at everyone around them because they are angry at themselves and the world.
then there are some who look at it as an illness, disease, disorder that will not get the best of them and will do whatever is necessarily, albeit take several months to years, to get it managed and live the most productive life they can live. it is all based on the human being it has afflicted.
those of you who are not afflicted with the twists and knots of this illess and who love their bp loved ones MUST TAKE CARE OF YOUR OWN NEEDS because if you allow it to take you in also then you will both drown. you can care for your bp loved one and at the same time care for yourself first and foremost because you truly can't help your loved one if you are under 10 ft of water yourself.
if the illness makes it so that your loved one is threatening to you and/or your children or are causing irrepreable (?) damage to yourself and/or your children then you must do what is necessary to save yourself and/or your children and let the bp loved one GO.
I am definately not considering leaving him. He is the love of my life but I don't know how to help him. Thank goodness that our relationship has not crossed over into any type of abusive situations and I don't think that it will. But I realize that being married is something that needs to be worked at, and even more so now. I need to learn how to live with these changes that he is going through. I have realized that we weren't talking as much about our feelings so we have been working at that and it has helped a great deal.
As I said before, I am questioning if he is truly bp or not. He had NEVER been manic before his meds. He was depressed, but never manic, this is why I am suspicious. He doesn't think that we should question the doctors but I am going to. I need to understand why he was diagnosed this way in the first place. Although he fits the bp model well now (on meds) I don't think is as relavent as before the meds.
Now for the frankness I am well known here for: You got married, thought of having a wonderful life with the hubby, hubby gets a mental illness and you think oh crap what I just got dumped with (the mother/child remark and not being equal and chosing a productive life or caring for him sort of hit me wrong), poor thing.
Wow how utterly nasty, Marie. ConnieH, I know exactly how you feel. Your dreams for the entire rest of your life are gone and you feel like you were fooled about who he was - like fraud, huh? That's grounds for divorce. It feels like your lungs have been dropped with an anchor to the ocean floor, huh? Statements like Marie's are exactly what bipolar people use to guilt us. Getting out sooner than later is easier, trust me on that.
Thank goodness that our relationship has not crossed over into any type of abusive situations and I don't think that it will.
I hate to sound negative, but much of the feelings I go through are utter shock and disbelief at what he is doing that I never thought he would. My husband is a good man but remember the disease makes him lose his conscience. Generally speaking, as it progresses, the only thing you will be able to count on is that he will do things you never thought he was capable of.
Don't tell him you think it's a mother-child relationship. Last thing a man wants to hear. You are equals. He has an illness. He needs to take care of himself. Gently, carefully deliver the message: It's a sign of strength to seek help. Then, with the proper meds, sleep, exercise and avoiding stress and negative people, he can live a successful and productive life. It won't be perfect, but he will be more even. I have bpII as well and have three kids. I have made mistakes, learned from them. Still learning. But the key word here is maintenance. He must maintain his health. Best way I found for a partner to cope is to read up on bp, offer support, build his confidence and offer affection. A back rub and some soft words can do wonders. Very calming. It's still the same guy in there.
