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hey, i posted on another message board about the fact that i am applying for financial assistance and have ended up going through the past 20 years with a fine-toothed comb. I hadn't realized that so much of this stuff was just a blurry memory. Much of it I had completely forgotten. Also, since I have been seeing a counsellor and psychiatrist and reporting on my moods, I have realized that when I am depressed I never remember a time when I wasn't and when I am hypo-manic/manic I don't remember ever feeling any other way. Does anyone else have these problems? Is it just part of bipolar? I would appreciate anyone's input. Cindy
It isn't just you -I too find that depression always seems to have been "forever" as does hypomania/mania. I guess the best idea would be to keep a mood diary that you can look back at when you need to and realise that things can be different. That takes some discipline though. Even just a note in your appointments diary rating your mood (the dreaded "scale of 1 - 10 comes to mind) would help if you don't want to sit down and write about it each day. I don't think that trying to do a weekly roundup would neccesarily be accurate enough to be helpful - if your mood has changed during the week then you wouldn't be able to be opbjective about the previous days!
Hope this helps a bit.
Virginia
Posts: 7 | Location: Yorkshire, England | Registered: 04-27-2006
Virginia, Thank you. You are right about mood diaries taking discipline. I think that is part of the reason why I have never been able to keep one. I really like the the idea of just keeping a scale in my appointments diary. When I read your answer, it dawned on me that another reason I have not been successful with this is because it is very unpleasant to make myself sit down and analyze my feelings enough to keep a mood diary. Also, it is something I wish to forget. Thanks, cindy
I hadn't realized until I read your post, but I feel the same way. There are huge parts of my life in the past 10 years that I don't remember, especially when my older piglet was a baby, but now it feels like there were years when I was hypomanic and years where I was depressed.
You know, it is depressing to realize that some of your life, good parts with them, have been buried. But it is encouraging to actually have realized it. During my first hospitalization, the influx of repressed memories and unexpressed emotions was so painful physically, that my reflex response was to push them back. But the process could not be stopped and since then I have slowly dealt with more and more. I just get surprised when more things come to my memory. Even more amazing is that they do not cause the trauma they once did. I hope you will find this true too. What a step in the right direction you have already taken. Cindy
Okay, I don't mean to be the downer here but I guess I will be. I barely remember times when I am hypomanic. If anything, the depression lasts forever and is at this moment. When I am actually hypomanic (which hasn't been in a while now) I don't not remember being depressed. I actually, in the back of my mind, think "when is the wave going to return? I best prepare. It is right around the corner, I just know it." Because the depression always, always, comes back and lately it has been harder and longer lasting as I've gotten older. Then again, it may just be me.
When I'm depressed I think I'll stay that way forever. When I'm happy (hypo-manic) I'm up, talking, creative.
But in the back of my mind I'm always waiting for the shoe to drop.
I've been through so many challenges in the past 2 years. I have been thinking that when I finally become happy again (good job, love life) that I'll develope a terminal illness or get hit by a truck and die. Any one else?
On the subject of mood charts. I don't have the discipline. When I'm down I can do it. When I'm up I don't care.
Fortunately I journaled from high school to a little past college. (trying to figure out my crazy life) I can track the bi-polar pattern like a clock. 1 week up, 3 down, it varied. Back then it was bliss then total darkness.
I think knowing what is wrong with me now has caused me to stop writing. Although I'd really like to write a book.
Lately at 49 it's been mostly down. Life situations have contributed greatly. Things are looking up. Hope it continues.
This message has been edited. Last edited by: Jenna,
Jenna, I have often felt like that. I know that our lives sometimes make it hard to take time out during the down times, but lately I have given myself permission to take some time (even if it 10 min.) to be depressed and not feel like a failure for it. I think since I'm not fighting so hard, my memory has really improved and I don't forget the good times nearly as much. Being on good medicines doesn't hurt either. Good luck, Cindy
