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Ok, this is my first time posting anything on here. I'm really scared and confused for my husband. We have been together 8 years, married for 4 and a half. Almost 4 weeks ago I came home to him sitting at the kitchen table and he tells me we have to talk. He's very unhappy with us, he's changed his mind about having children (I have fertility issues and problems getting pregnant) and he thinks it would be better if we got a divorce while we're both young enough to find someone else. I'm devastated, to say the least, this comes out of NOWHERE. I'm hysterical and he leaves to stay with his sister, where's he's been ever since. He completely cut me off, not calling me or responding to me at all except to come talk 2 times which went nowhere. When he was a child he was diagnosed with ADD, on meds for a little while but never on them with me. He's become so moody in the last year, irritable over the smallest things, and distant. Every aspect of our life is a burden to him. Our house and financial issues, cleaning, household stuff, being with other family and generally being happy has gone out the window. Not to mention he's become socially inept with friends. He has lost interest in our marriage, his job, and the band that he's in. We haven't slept in the same room for months, he said it was because he knew I had a hard time sleeping and he gets up a lot earlier than I do. It's been like living with a roommate. I knew we had communication problems but never in a million years did I see it coming. He never would open up to me about anything, but at the same time he can be the greatest guy. The first time we spoke he said he'd go to counseling but he still didn't want kids. I said no way, what's the point? It's not like we didn't discuss children before we were married and for him to take that dream away from me was so hurtful. Two years ago he went to see a counselor because he thought he was facing depression. He only went a few times and didn't discuss it with me but things got better for awhile. But everything has gotten worse. Our last discussion ended with him saying he believed he was bipolar. He said he would experience times of giddiness and times of severe downs and he didn't know why. I said, if you think something is so wrong that you may be bipolar then you need to see someone about that before we try any form of counseling. I told him I'd go with him because as much as he wants to distance himself from me I still love him. Then tonight I get an e-mail from him, telling me what he couldn't say face to face. That he was willing to have children out of his love for me. But he has fallen out of love for me and he doesn't have the desire to have children anymore. I've had it. It's been almost 4 weeks with minimal talking (none on the phone, all text or 2 times face to face). I called him, crying of course. He's so cold about all of this and that's not the man I know. He says he has no emotion over all of this and he's been away trying to get the feelings back, but they're not coming back. How does he expect to get them back with no connection to me?? I again brought up what he said about being bipolar and asked if he thought that was why he was so disconnected, and if that's the case then why run away from me? He is looking into getting help tomorrow, so we can both go together. I'm so confused and in limbo right now. I don't think I have any tears left. I sent him info I found online about the statistic of over 90% of bipolar marriages ending in divorce, along with an e-mail stating since he couldn't give me a reason why he didn't love me then maybe there was still a chance. I also read about how children that are bipolar can be misdiagnosed as having ADD. He showed more BP symptoms as a child than ADD. His mom even had to take him to one of those boot camp places for children (where you leave your child there for weeks and weeks and they get out from good behavior) because she didn't know what else to do. Please give me guidance.
Hi Kat~Thanks for sharing your story, and having the courage to post for the first time. I'm so sorry to hear about how things have turned out with your husband. I read your story, and I wondered if he's gone to see anyone yet? How did that turn out? I've been w/a BPSO off and on for three years now, and he refuses to seek treatment. It's so tough. I feel for you!!!
I just wanted to say hi, and welcome to this forum. Please continue to keep sharing. I'd love to hear from you. I wish you all the luck in the world. Hopefully he'll come around.
Peachy, thank you for your response. I'm glad to say that he acknowledges something is wrong and he is setting up an appointment this week. But I'm not sure if he's setting it up with a doctor for himself or a marriage counselor for the both of us. It's hard communicating with him because he's not here at home and he doesn't want to talk to me. By him looking up doctors and setting things up I think I see progress. I'm very nervous that he's not going to go into this with an open mind and he's still going to want to go through with a legal separation. I'm sorry to hear that your SO won't seek treatment. From reading other posts on here I see that that's the biggest hurdle non-bipolar spouses and SO's have to go through. I hope this is the beginning of my husband being healed, because that's all I really want!
He needs to be evaluated to see if he has bp. He needs to realize what made the two of you special and recognize the value of having a loved one. I don't know what you could say to him. Maybe just that -- if you can get that message to him.
