Bipolar Depression

I am soon to be 23 on the 12 of Dec. I am having lots of problems. I stuggle day to day, just trying to live. I dont know if I have bipolar and I am afraid to find out. Most days I am sad I dont want to go to work or do much. I dont sleep much, I have insomnia my doc gave me Ambian and it worked but then wouldnt give it to me anymore. He gave me Rozerem and it doesnt help at all. Most nights I lie in bed just anything racing in my mind not anything of importance usually. Tossing and turning getting no sleep maybe an hour total. I cant concentrate on much, I always have something on my mind. I get angry very easy for the stupidist reasons. I dont want to loose my boyfriend weve been dating 8 months and known eachother a year. He puts up with it but I know he gets frustrated a lot. I feel bad. I cry alot over anything something sad on TV or something I remember. Before I met him I was in a mentally and physically abusive relationship for 4 years. It really took a toll on me. When I was 17 I tried to kill myself with sleeping pills. I was in the hospital for 2 weeks. They had me on Zoloft and I got bad reactions from it. So my doc put me on Paxil I didnt like the way it made me feel, it controlled me and I didnt like that. I am not a fan of taking meds, I wish there was a way not to. I dont eat as much as I use to and really dont enjoy to much anymore. I spend most days on my computer. Just upset about life in general. I have always wished not to be in this world. I also have a problem with cutting. I do it about 2 times a month depending on how sstressed I get, I have scras all over, I just did it a couple days ago on my back it releives me from thinking about certain things. I know its not right but it helps. I dont have anyone to really talk to about this. My friends wouldnt understand and my bf trys but he can be lost. I know I need to see a doctor again but I am not a fan. Does anyone know what I have? My dad is a obsessive compulsive liar I think he has bipolar but he tends to make things up to make himself sound better. He lives in a different state and I only see him about 1 a month or every couple months. My mom just moved to california last year and I know that is part of the reason I am so depressed but is that all I have? Am I Bipolar? PLEASE ANYONE HELP ME!! I DESPERITLY NEED HELP..

the only person who can say whether you are bipolar or not is a psychiatrist. you could go to a family doctor but they aren't very well versed and would probably send you to a psychiatrist anyway. you may just have major depression and/or a little post traumatic from your past history of abuse. it does seem, according to your post, that you are having some symptoms and a psychiatrist can help and/or advise as to ways to help. i understand the cutting part, just wanting something to take the pain and emotion away by focusing on physical pain. i get that but as you said it isn't healthy. i also understand the not wanting to take meds. you could explain this to the psychiatrist. if you can't afford one perhaps your state or local community has a community mental health clinic you could turn to that has a sliding scale depending on your income or lack of. just talk with someone and see what is advised. i send good thoughts towards you.

Jennifer,

I agree with Corey that you need to get to your local mental health clinic to find help. You will probably need a combination of medication and talk therapy to start with, whether or not you are bipolar. All of us react differently to medication, and there are many options, so don't give up just because the first two you tried didn't work well for you. You have many reasons to be depressed and wanting out of this world, and it will take time to heal, but you can do it. There are many things in our lives that contribute to our symptoms: brain chemistry, genes, past experience, families, what we eat, whether we exercise, sunlight, etc. Start by getting some sympathetic help to tackle what you need to.

Let us know how things go. Stay in touch.

Lynne
Author of The Bipolar Dementia Art Chronicles

Thank you both of you for your input. I know I need to see someone. I just get so crazy with life and I always have to be doing something or I start getting depressed. I am a very anxious person with little attention span. Even when I try and watch a movie I am talking or having to do something. School was always hard also college thats why I had to drop out. I know meds may help but I really dont believe in them because they change my personality. My family doesnt like me taking them either. My mom gets upset. It does control me and I feel it when I take them, I am hoping to find time soon to talk to someone. It is hard because I work all the time and basically am the major source of income in my household my boyfriend just got a job so he is trying to help. I have been through 3 or 4 jobs in the past month not knowing what I want to do. Some days I will get super lazy and just want to stay home and cry all day and thats what has been happening this past couple months. I had a great job in Aug. and quit and I am sorry I did. They wont let me come back because of all that happened. So I have been trying to find somewhere I enjoy. Its just been tough. I got a new job today and am hoping I like it. But I am going to make the effort to find someone to talk to. Thank you both again...
Jennifer

A Lot of what you said was me. I had a boyfriend for 5yrs who was mentally and physically abusive. When I was a freshman in college I was diagnosed with panic disorder by the 2nd yr I was diagnosed with ADD and just six months ago I was diagnosed Bipolar. We are the same age I am 23 I struggle everyday and nobody understands. When I was in high school started doing drugs first it was pot than it was cocaine than it was E. I was foing it in school I got good grades played softball and nobody suspected a thing. But I always had rage I would fight if you looked at me wrong. With you I dont sleep barely eat and I cut myself because I can take the physical pain but I cant handle the mental pain. Im a senior in college I take biological science major and criminal justice and psychology as minors. I do see a psychiatrist once a month to get my meds Im on lamictal for bipolar adderall for add and klonopin for panic disorder. To me it does sound like you are bipolar because we both have had similar experiences in life and we have the same symptoms. I know its hard to try and say that you maybe mentally ill because I have that same problem, I want to do the things that I always have done and I dont want to be known as a mentally ill person but you do need to see someone. If you go and see someone and get on the right meds and admit to yourself that you might be bipolar than you will feel so much better. I just have to get to the point of excepting I will always be bipolar. I hope that I help you out a little bit and good luck!!


Katie