Bipolar Depression

It is me again. Today I found out I was ineligible for Public Assistance because though I am not working my spouse (who makes very little through the nation's largest retail employer) does and though it isn't much - it is too much for Public Assistance.

So, I've lost my Pdoc and will lose my therapist that I've had for over a year now. I am forced yet again to find my own "professional providers" and haven't a clue where to look. I can't go to the local community mental health because I worked there until last Thursday when I just couldn't function anymore.

My Lithium and Klonopin are just not working. I can't afford any new meds right now and my family is financially strapped. I'm not even able to get Food Stamps until perhaps October.

I say that everything is fine and okay to those who ask because I've been a burden to everyone for a while now. It makes them relieved, it makes me sadder.

I'm feeling very shaky and am sinking into the darkness even more so. What is quality of life the social workers told me about in the hospital, that I'd have a better one if I took my meds like a good girl and did what I was told like a good girl.

I'd have a better quality of life they said. I haven't felt or seen one as of yet. So, when does it get better?

Oh, one additional thing. In the last 24 hours I"ve taken about 16 Ativans. Just to sleep, even if for a very lloooonnnnngggg sleep.

For you see, I am lazy (don't work or do house work I'd normally do), I'm bitchy (scream & yell at everyone around me), fat as a pig (more weight thanks to meds and no energy and I can't wear my clothes anymore and I'm tired and why would anyone look at me), whiner (cry for hours sometimes).

So what good am I to anyone around me, to you, to God? All I wanted was to be a daughter for whom God was well pleased - I know he is far from it.

Self-pity party? Probably. I just feel so damn bad and have no where and no one to go to. Totally alone in my little trailer and the one I turn to is only 10 and she don't need this burden much less this momma.

Maybe tomorrow the quality of life they promised will come. Perhaps tomorrow.

Hi marie, my name is Nikki and I am new here. I have been reading your posts for a couple of days now and I just wanted to tell you that I really hope and pray that your life turns around for the better. You are your daughter's light, and she deserves to see you happy and well.
Life is really complicated and difficult at times, and you just have to work through it as best as you can. I can't tell you how many times I felt like there is just no way I could make it through the tough times I have had in the past. But, I know this is easier said than done, but you just have to pull your head up, look at your daughter's smiling face, and tell everyone around you EXACTLY how you are feeling. If your family is going to make you feel bad for having this disease, then they need to wake up and show some compassion and try their best to do whatever they can for you. If you need to get angry and just be blunt and tell them that you feel overpowered by this, then do so. Again, easier said than done, but it is worth a shot to be honest and not be afraid to stand up for yourself and do whatever you can to get you past the most difficult times in your life.
Also, I see that you are having trouble with your meds and feel that they are not working, and that you are on the verge of losing your insurance and won't be able to pay for any new meds that may be perscribed. Try asking your doctor, by phone, if you can, so you won't be charged for a doctor's visit, if you can get samples of a different medicine. I am on Lexapro, 10mg, for over a year, and I have received samples since the start of it. Also, there is another possiblity of seeing if you can get a generic version of a med. Way cheaper and has the same effects of the brand name. I have a prescripion of Xanax, and I am getting the generic, and it only cost me like, eight dollars.
I hope I haven't been rambling on and on, I just want you to know that you can be your own worst enemy with this disease, and you can't let it beat you. Your daughter needs you, marie.
Love,
Nikki

Hi Nikki:

Thanks for the advice. It really is tough and when the meds aren't just right, it really plays on your mood.

I've been in the depressive end of this illness for several months now (except for a 2 week stint at hypomania in July) and after awhile it just beats you down. There is a lot of stress going on externally as well and that also wears heavily on the depression.

I love my daughter with my heart and soul and she is literally the only reason why I haven't succeeded. I just want to feel better so very badly right now.

I'm scheduled to see yet a new therapist and yet a new Pdoc in about 4-6 weeks (scheduling) so I'm just crossing my fingers and hanging on as best I can.

I appreciate your kindness more than you realize. Thank you.

Marie

You are welcome, marie! Hang in there and know that I will be reading your posts and if you ever need anyone to unload on, and don't want to do it on the board, you are more than welcome to email me. My address is nikole.evon@gmail.com Love, Nikki

Dear Marie,

I am taking medications that seem to work...at least help me. Talk to your doctor about these meds...Nerontin, seroquel, Effexor XR, Buspar, Klonopin, etc. These are all covered under public assistance. You said you are married. Let public assistance know that you are only one with a child and you should be eligible for public assistance or at least you may have to pay a share-of-cost...which should be very low. There are Family Services Agency's (therapist's)in many counties that charge depending on your wages. I don't know what County you live in...so I can not advise. Stay with us Dear. You are LOVED. Starting with the proper medications along with therapy you will survive. It's just finding the proper treatment...what works for you. Everyone is different. You can do it. You don't need much money if any to get help. There are clinics, self-help support groups, etc. out there. You just need to get on the phone or internet in your area and find them...ask questions...don't be afraid to ask for help. The County will help. Take Care. Love, JOE