Bipolar Depression

Two and a half months ago I was diagnosed with mixed bipolarism at the age of 22, actually have been misdiagnosed since the age of 13 with severe depression. My problem has lasted for years with no hope in sight. I feel like there will be no light at the end of the tunnel, but darkness. I have succomed to never ending misery and hopelessness. My life is hard and feels like it will never get better even though people tell me that it will. Still hasn't. I don't enjoy being young with no kids. I can't enjoy it without some sort of hinderance. I have few friends here because I am still a newbie to the area. All of this started with my father cheating on my mother of 26 years. I was 12 and had to see my mom trying to commit suicide in front of me, crying endlessly, losing dramatic amounts of weight. She eventually let my dad come back but my dad was already an very mild form of alcaholic but he spiraled dangerously hard into a true anger filled alcaholic. My mom and dad did this to keep a married parent household for me and my younger brother. Didn't work. My mom would go out one weekend and my dad the other. When my dad would return, drunk, he would start beating up my mom while she was sleeping in the bed. I woke up on numerous occasions hearing my mom screaming for me to help or call 911. Most of the time I would take my softball bat and hit my dad because he was hurting my mom seriously. Well eventually my mom couldn't take the abuse anymore and left me and my little brother in the clutches of an anger fill alcaholic. His attentions soon turned to me and I was abused in return for my mom leaving. She left us with no kiss goodbye. I eventually had enough of my dad beating me and me fighting back viciously, and turned to the school system for help after my first attempt of suicide. Child Serivices picked me up and put me in a foster home for six months. Every weekend my mom would pick me up, but never took me out due to my bad behavior that she saw in her eyes. I eventually had enough of this because I HAD a mom and dad unlike those other kids who didn't have anyone. My dad still loved me and wanted me back, so I went back. I started to turn to drugs and the psychological far away place the drugs gave me to forget my life. I hated school which by this time I was in high school. I hated everyone there. I was a recluse, slept all the time. I tried to commit suicide the second time, by pills. Eventually I was locked up in a juvenile jail for a year due my bad behavior. I just didn't care. I came home and continued my drug use. At seventeen my dad emancipated me b/c he couldn't take my behavior anymore. My mom couldn't stand me either. I was hopeless. I met this guy that was also a drug head and beat me senseless when I upset him. I stayed with him due to my family's critizism of me and my past. I was just not one of them and their happy little world of good children, I was the black sheep. I finally left him and had to be hospitilized for the third time with unfothernable anger and sadness. Then my only older sister died all of a sudden by an aneurism when I was 19, them my step-brother two years later by losing control of his car, drunk. Would I finally be next? Still looking foward to it. Last year in Februrary I married a guy that was a native of NC and moved up from Louisiana. My move up here was horrendous. Wrecked my car, was broke, found out my husband was a pothead loser that didn't want to grow up and stop smoking pot, a spoiled only child, who once said he would give me the sun and the moon because I was a girl that he wanted so badly to be with for the rest of his life, but showed the true "loser" side later. Now I'm seperated, left like stray, don't want to go home because I hate it there, and am financially screwed due to my being laid off at my good job making nice money working with clients, two months ago in a county that has a high unemployment rate. My car is about to repoed, I'm living at my landlord's/best friend's house because she feels bad for me on what my ex did to me, I've gained some weight, my anger level is unbearable. I have recently punched my windshield out of frustration and cracked it. I am at my ends rope and I don't know what to do anymore. Heaven sounds nice, I can see my sister again, my grandparents, all my long lost pets. I don't believe in hell. Am I the only one that can feel all this at once and can't deal with the pain and suffering? Why would the all loving God make me suffer like this after how much I love Him? After being a hermit in my house with my precious doggie for five months, I ventured out into the world of dating again. First guy, he was an idiot. The second guy I fell for. He was nice, sweet, nice looking, and his kid and family adored me. As of two days ago he stopped calling me for no reason. Well as of yesterday I finally received a call from this guy and he basically said that he didn't have the time to see me anymore due to job, school, and sole custody of a kid. Is this true are just masking something else? Dont know what I did, and it bothers me to no end because I always get crapped on anyway, what's new? Now I'm back to being alone and I think I should stay that way, nobody can stand to be around me. I am taking Lamictal 100mg for my condition, but its not working. I go and see my doctor in two weeks and hope that she will increase it to 200mg. I need advice from people who can understand my darkest thoughts and help shine the light on my insanity. Thanks to all who read my story.skybluezen@yahoo.com

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Lindsey,

The main problem with any mental diagnosis, especially bipolar disorder, is that it's only a name for a collection of symptoms. Shrinks don't discuss what might be CAUSING the problem. And if you don't know what's causing it, how on Earth are you ever going to cure it? Did your shrink give you any physical lab tests for allergies? How about a blood test for a histamine imbalance? Do you have too much copper, or other toxic metal, in your tissues? Copper is well-proven to cause mental problems but you won't know if you have this problem if you go to traditional, drug-pushing shrinks for help. They are not trained to look for the CAUSES of any mental disorders. I have two family members diagnosed with "bipolar disorder." One was originally diagnosed "ADHD" but then years later, the diagnosis was changed to "slight, atypical bipolar disorder" after a SPECT scan. What bunk. The other family member was diagnosed "unipolar bipolar" then "bipolar with psychosis" and given drugs like Zyprexa that caused him to gain an even 50 pounds in just 30 days. It was another useless diagnosis. ALL mental diagnoses by traditional shrinks are just descriptions of symptoms. Drugs target the symptoms. Talk therapy is to discuss symptoms. It's all about symptoms. I became so frustrated at all the shrinks' refusals to discuss causes that I did the research on my own and, THANK GOD, found orthomolecular medicine. These scientists DO look for the biochemical causes of mental disorders, often using lab tests than can be ordered by your family physician and carried out by any of the large medical labs. My "ADHD" family member has pyroluria, detectable with a urine test. (Check out pyroluria on the net.) He also had sub-clinical pellagra (a deficiency of vitamin B-3 and the amino acid, tryptophan. 5-HTP, available at most health food stores, is now usually used instead of tryptophan.) My other family member, the one with psychosis, also has pyroluria (which he keeps under control with B-3, B-6, Zinc, and vitamin C) and HAD an elevated histamine level. With the right orthomolecular treatment, I got his histamines back down to the normal range and he's fine now. BOTH of my family members are fine and working full-time. They don't see shrinks, nor are they taking any prescription drugs. Shrinks are not taught orthomolecular medicine because the American Psychiatric Assoc.(APA) has been suppressing the orthomolecular treatment since 1962. Why? Because there's no money in it! The APA receives millions of dollars every year from drug companies - they don't WANT anyone to know about orthomolecular medicine. It's WONDERFUL -as well as being inexpensive and effective. You can read more about it at www.orthomed.org, www.alternativementalhealth.com, www.doctoryourself.com, etc. The actress, Margot Kidder, had a well-publicized mental breakdown in 1996 and was committed to a mental hospital where she was diagnosed with bipolar AND schizophrenia. After she got out, she went on orthomolecular medicine and has since become the unofficial spokesperson for the group. When she feels a little mania, she takes the calming amino acid, GABA. You can easily find out if your amino acids are out of balance by getting an amino acid panel ordered by your family physician. Orthomolecular is awesome - check it out.

Hey Linda.
I find it very interesting what you wrote.I hope your family members are still doing fine!Are they symptomfree?
I myself suffer from slight schizophrenia and have pyroluria and high histamine levels.

How long did it take for your friends to cure themselves?Are they still on any medication?

I take supplements for 7 weeks now and start to feel slightly better but I am still waiting for the great breakthrough.

Maybe you can tell me a little bit more about your relativesThat would be nice.

Kind regards

Ray

Lindsey - the one certain thing about bipolar disorder is that your frame-of-mind WILL change. You won't feel this way forever. You've faced a lot of challenges in your life, and walked away from all of them. You'll walk away from this one too. Just keep chasing the method of treatment and recovery that's right for you. I take Lamictal and it works for me, but it's slow. Hang in there and let your doc do his or her job, and things will turn around.

Linda I read your post and you sound like you understand your condition quite well except you say you don't understand the cause.. Did you by any chance read Linsley's post as to her growing up experiences? ADHA, Bipolar, etc are just new labels for old illnesses, such as schizophrenia, manic depressant etc. There all the same illness, just to different degrees. The cause of these illnesses is all the same too except to different degrees and that is what no doctor or state worker are going to say and that is child abuse, if they say the words then they would have to act upon it and that would entail alot of work and time, it entails confronting and dealing with parents, relatives or possibily friends of the family and that can get pretty messy, not to say anything about trying to deal with a hurt child that is possibly scared to death to talk about what's happening to them or if their willing to talk maybe there is no one that is willing to listen. In another post someone ask a simple question about what would these drugs that are prescripted to us do to someone that isn't ill, she got every answer except the answer to the question. I know that they have the opposite effect on children that they have on adults and is instead of speeding them up it sedates them and so it keeps them from acting out and displaying so called bad behavior. The so called bad behavior is actually a cry for help, because they have been threatened not to tell so they act out instead to get try and get someones attention that there is something wrong but unfornaturely is mistaken for just a brattie kid. It's much easier to just medicate a child than to treat them. Except by doing so the child is actually getting sicker and sicker because their keeping their anger inside and trying to bury it, but it doesn't really work and has to come out so when it does it comes out it in uncontrollable violent out bursts. Your like a walking time bomb. It's the burying of our feelings of sadness, helplesses and anger turned inward that makes us ill and causes alot of self hate towards ourselves and others. This is just my opinion and you don't have to agree with me because you also have every right to your own opinion, but ask yourself if there wasn't someone in your life as a child that caused you alot of pain be it phsically or emotion. It's not a genetic illness unless genetic means that someone in your life was abused as a child and is passing that abuse onto you. In my opinion I call it a 100% enviromentally caused illness caused by another emotionally ill indiviual that has never dealt with their own anger and take out on someone that isn't able to defend themselves back. I think that there is a place for using medication or better yet vitamins to help us deal with our lifes and keep us phsically healthy but that doesn't heal us emotionally. That requires being honest with ourselfs and confronting the real issues that have occurred in our lifes and then most important is letting them go and not let them harden our hearts.

Carlie,

While I don't argue that there are some people with mood disorder symptoms that fall within your narrow definition, to say it's not a genetic illness is absolutely not correct. You are up to 10 times more likely (or higher) to have the disorder if there is a family history of bipolar disorder. I was not abused and I have bipolar disorder. Out of my 5 kids, only 1 has bipolar disorder, and from the age of 1 month we KNEW there was something different at play with him. And of course, none of my children were, or are, abused.

While your experiences have shaped your opinion on this, I encourage you to do more research, I think you'll discover an indisputable genetic link.

Lindsey, I read your post. I want you to know that God does hear your pleas and your prayers. I have felt this same way before as you do now. Completely isolated from everyone and totally alone despit ethe fact that Im surrounded by people. I get paranoid and think they are against me, yet Im so afraid always of losing them. This will go on for a while and then I go through a period of everything being semi-ok. All of us have grief in our lives and you seem to have had more than your fair share...but you are not alone. You just need some support and so here you are. Im very new here this is only my second time posting. I ve joined other groups before on delphi but they fizzled out due to everyone getting busy with things I guess, but for the time that I was part of that group I began to understand that there are kind people in the world who suffer the same condition that I do, that wont judge or condemn me for it. It sound like you have begun making attempts at reaching for a better life, and if you keep the faith and turn to God for guidance, it will come. The good things can happen for you in time. I will pray for you because your note touched my heart, I suppose because I was once young and very confused myself, but found my way through the murk...and I have stuggled with alot of stuff all my life, but I have a very understanding husband so I am truly blessed. I am now on disability and hope that I can afford the meds i need soon...in the meantime I just keep praying. God bless you, Briar

Hello everyone. I would like to thank every fellow sufferer that has read my story and took the time to reply to me. It's been a while since I updated my life status since that day I posted that morbid post when I was going through a rough time months ago. For one, I am dealing with my condition quite well now and have come to terms about the things I do while I am sick. I sort of figured out ways that I can control the uncontrollable rage/irritation I sometimes feel when provoked by anything or nothing in particular. I still have trouble dealing with it still, but it has gotten better. My self-image dilemma is still going nowhere. I still face my abandonment issues also. My depression part is almost completely gone.
Well here's is the update: Last I posted I was about to increase my Lamictal to 200mg, which I did and it worked! I started to feel so much better concerning my mood swings and anxiety about anything. I finally found me a job doing the same thing I was doing before I got laid off, which is working one on one with patients suffering from severe mental issues like schizophrenia, disassociation from reality, ODD, ADHD, suicidal behavior involved with moderate to severe depression, and bipolarism, etc. You out there are probably wondering why someone like me and my condition would have the audacity to be assiting these people with their disorders. Well for one, I am more understanding and compassionate to where they are coming from due to my personal experience. Two, when I am stabilized on my meds, I am stable and can act just like any other perfectly normal person in this world.
One thing I picked up along my way to another recovery, I found I was hooked to my laptop. It lead me to another world in which no one knew me plus it was easier to meet new people that I could socialize without being in the real world, in other words was better for me to deal with instead of it being awkward. I've always found that I could feel vibes of people good or bad when I meet them for the first time. The bad ones I will not talk to or have anything to do with them. The good ones I will be shy at first with but warm up eventually. This is how I make friends in the real world. Is this part of my condition??? I already made a friend while I was bartending at this restuarant while I was waiting for all my paperwork to be done for my mental health job. She was a person that was on my level in life but the only difference she has kids. We came up with a plan to put all our worries behind and take a trip to the beach. We went and we had a blast like any two single women can have. This helped me tremendously with dealing with my journey to getting better. Anyway, I got the courage to go on two dating websites and postd a profile with picture. I figured that two wrongs with guys will eventually make a right sooner or later. The first week I received many emails from different guys that were interested with me. This made my self-image issue get better at that particular time. Along the way, I picked two guys that I really liked. We communicated through yahoo messaging, phone, or webcaming. One was a soldier in Iraq, the other was a guy that lived about forty mins. from I lived. The guy in Iraq wanted to seriously date me when he got back to the states and maybe if it worked I move in with him off base. His base was was an hour from me. I wasn't too sure about it. The other one, was a guy that I had a lot in common with. The guy I had a lot of common with moved to back to Florida where he's from because of personal problems. At that present moment more crap had to happen to me like always concerning my job. My out of state criminal background check came back with a hit. I was informed that I would be suspended till they can decide what it was and what action they would take. I was flabbergasted. The hit I found out was my extensive juvenile record from years of dwindling in drugs and depression. So I decided to take a mini vacation and drive to Florida to see this guy. The best decision I made in a long time.
It was a surpise to both me and him that we had an instant attraction to each other. We also felt like we'be been knowing each other for a long time. So after a week of getting to really know each other in person, and having some fun included, he wanted for me to move to FL and leave the crappy life I had in NC. So I moved down here. I like it and I was for once really happy. Nice to be back in the deep south, feels like home. It was also close to home back in Louisiana. So we planned a trip back home so I could see my family and friends after two years of not being able to see any of them. It was heaven! One thing to check off my self recovery checklist.
My pills began to run out. I was beginning to panic. I did not want to go back to my old self and have to begin the process of putting myself together again. I had already told my boyfriend about my condition and he understood. I called my doctor and explained to her that I moved to another state. I asked her if she could send me a script to a pharmacy here. The next day I called the pharmacy to see what the price was for my pills. The tech told me it was going to be $315.00 for 60 pills. I was more freaked out by then. I didn't know how I was going to pay for this. Me and my boyfriend were still looking for jobs, he was waiting for confirmation from one. So I calmed myself into a state of nomore anxiety. As the weeks progressed, I waves of anger/irritation began to rear its ugly head in my attitude. I couldn't help it! I was getting angry/irritation over small or stupid things. The paranoia of people doing things behind my back came back. My self-image went out the window. Till one day it was too late for me to be me anymore. One weekend we were invited to a Florida college rivalry football game of the year at one of his good friends house. We drank, had fun. Well I got drunk. The next thing that happened was a blur, I don't remember much. On the way home, evidently my boyfriend said something either mean or snotty, and all of a sudden I went off like a nuclear weapon. Acccording to him, I started yelling at him, trying to grab my steering wheel. I was even trying to punch him in the face. He fought me all the way home. When we got there, the fight was not over. I became more uncontrollable and pulled a blade I had in my care for self-defense. I started saying something about killing myself, I couldn't take no more of this life as an abnormal person. I cut my palm pretty bad. He desperately tried to take the blade out my possession. He got it away finally. Next thing he said I was staring in space not acknowledging anything. The cops came and took me away to admit be to a mental health hospital because of Florida law. I was there for two days. I was put back on my meds and monitored. The psychiatrist I was assigned to tested me on some questions and he rediagnosed me not with bipolarism but with boderline personality disorder. Wow what a slap in the face. The doctor agreed with me that I didn't belong in there. I was sane again. My boyfriend was there for me step by step. When I was realsed he held no grudge because he understood it was not my fault. He commented that he'd seen worse.
Today I am back on my meds, thank God! I have a good job now and my relationship with him had gotten closer. His mother told me not long ago that he cried, depressed the whole time I was in there because he knew that wasn't me, it was like another person came out. That showed me something I haven't seen from a man before. That showed me how much he cared about me unlike my ex-husband ever did the whole time I was married. I am following up with my doctor every two or three weeks now. I am back to being the true Lindsey and I am glad.
Thanks again to all who read another long story from the mistress of mayhem, lol. I'll give another update later on. Till then to all of my fellow sufferers be well and I will pray for you all.
You can contact me at skybluezen@live.com.

It sounds like you've found a real keeper in your boyfriend. Congratulations! I hope things continue to improve for you!

Hello everyone. I have a need to put this in my blog of my never ending spiral towards madness. Yesterday, I was at my full-time job, doing my work like usual, also in a happy mood listening to a country station in the back of my mind, when all of a sudden I get this overwelming sense of my impending demise of being killed or dying by something unknown. It felt like God sent me this feeling. My heart started racing, my chest was hurting, and I was also hyperventialating. I was sobbing uncontrollably and freaking out like I just found out that one of my family members died suddenly. Sort of felt like when I found out my sister died. One thing to add, I'm scared of dying. Before my sister died, she somehow knew she was going to pass away, and freaked out just like I did, then she died two months later. Then my stepfather is having triple bypass surgery this Monday. So thinking of this so did not help my situation. I called my mom, not being able to know what to do. She called my doctor, but wansn't available. So she spoke to this lady on the phone who was involved with the crisis intervention. I called this lady back, not being able to calm down at all. All she had to say basically was that I need to come in so they could "observe" me at the facility. Well news to them for one I'm not stupid, two I don't need to be locked up in a psyche ward w/ ppl. who thing they come from a baracuda in the ocean like one of the patients I was locked up w/ last time I was hospitalized, three I worked w/ MH clients for a while and knew what the deal was. I told her that I did not need to be seen like that all I wanted was for my doctor to give me something to calm me down. Still wanted for me to come in unlike what I told her. What ignorant people. I tried calling my doctor, but he never returned my call. Why don't these ppl care??? I have a apppointment on the sixth, and I will make sure that this doesn't happen again. This scared me alot. My mom believe that I might have had a premonition. I'm too sure on that. Can anyone give me any answers??? I know I had a panic attack, but was it severe??? I don't know, but I left work drove back in a hurry and was comforted by my boyfriend who I love dearly.

You are 22, with your entire life ahead of you.
Take care of yourself. Are you on the right meds? The right mix? Exercise? Enough sleep? Avoiding stress?
Yes, I am bp. The dark moments are dark. The mania is maddening. But there is a phone. Call a friend. Fill your life with positive people and positive activies. Diversify your happiness. Have a spiritual life. Don't ever, ever, ever depend on one person for your happiness. Ever. If you can, get a dog. One of the best moves I made. Unconditional love.
You sound like a great person. Look at your career. YOu're young enough to change gears, get a loan, go to law school, medical school. You can do anything. Take care of yourself. Do that. It's not egotistical. It's the right thing. Then you can have good relationships.
I know from experience that doing all these things, getting this balance isn't easy. I stumble a lot. But I'm trying to help you. I'm 47. Divorced. Three kids. I wish I knew more about this illness years ago, before I hurt so many people. You can avoid these things by taking care of yourself, going to the doctor, following his/her advice. BP people and their loved ones can be healthy and happy. It doesn't have to be hell. But we need to walk through it to get to heaven.