Bipolar Depression

I just had to sign up to this tonight as my life is a nightmare. I have known my husband for over 5 years and about 4 years ago started hitting me sporadically. He was also taking anti-depressants prior to some of these times, but I didn't twig that it was Bipolar. The current nightmare began last November, some depression was involved. The whole of this year so far has been the worst of my life. The beatings started again in January, he was also smoking loads of weed and had started a new job - my husband has a PhD, so isn't stupid. I had to go and stay with my mum-in-law as I was so scared. Feb is another blur, but that's when he stopped taking his anti-depressants and the manic started. He lost his job on the 8th March cos he was bullying people at work and not doing anything, bankruptcy now awaits for both of us. 9th March he went AWOL for 3 days leaving the house with doors unlocked, lights on while I'd popped out. It then takes me and his mum a whole week to try and get him help. He hit his mum that week as well. Several appts later he was Sectioned on the 16th March. I thought that this would be the answer to my prayers. I returned home for the first time in ages after he was admitted and found that he had decapitated some of my stuffed toys, smashed up various glass trinkets and left a hammer and a large rock under the duvet on my side of the bed. I was devastated. We also found two suitcases hidden in the woods by him. Do Bi-polar people do these sorts of things? I thought he would stay in hospital for a month and we could sort stuff out but oh no that wasn't happening. My dope-growing, dope smoking, benefit fiddler of a sister-in-law had to help him get out of the Section and a week later it was decided that although he probably had Bipolar, he would be discharged by the Hospital. Something to do with the Human Rights Act, what about my rights hey? I went to court the next day to get a Non-Molestation Order which stopped his discharge for another 3 days. He was discharged on 26th March from his section and left hospital against medical advice and nomedication. I bumped into him at the bank that day, only to find him at home later. I was again terrified but managed to get him to his father's. He didn't contact me again as he was worried about the court order. In the meantime, he got a new mobile phone, emptied his bank account and God knows what else? He has a fetish for fancying obese women (I'm not one of these) and even went to one of these awful clubs. He is living his life without a care in the world, like he is single. To cut a long story short, he got the order lifted in court but swore to the Judge that he wouldn't hurt me agian. He then came back home, didn't stay but conned me into letting him have his car back (I pay the loan), went and stayed with his stupid sister to smoke more weed and even agreed to start his meds. What a lie it all was? Since then he has come home, had that mechanical sex with me, first time since december, gone again, had his tart call me and abuse me, told me loves me, wants to make a go of it but then he turns and tells me he hates me and wants a divorce. He has assulted me, been arrested by the Police, been let off, broken into the house, taken the keys and left the house unlocked. He turned up yesterday and I had to call 999, luckilt he can't get into the house again as I have had the locks changed. He is behaving wierdly, and has spent every penny of what he had, and still he denies the diagnosis which we have from the Psychiatrist - he is Bipolar and the current episode is manic. Apparently he ahs no insight. Today I have issued proceeding against him for Contempt of Court and surprise surprise he doesn't seem to care. He thought they were Divorce Papers when my friend served them. Court date is next week and all I want is for him to get help. Does it ever get better or should I just walk away? I am only 29 and we have no children so I guess I am lucky than most. His illness has nearly destroyed me as a person, luckily I am of a strong nature and have some fantastic friends and family. Having said all this I think people are getting sick of this whole saga. What happens next? Does this awful manic ever stop? Are there any other ways I could get him help. I still love my husband even though he clearly hates me so much. I'm trying to stay away from at the moment, should I just get on with my half-life and wait for him to crash? Sorry that this is so long but I have been needing to write this for a long time. I would appreciate any suggestions that anyone has as I'm now running out of ideas and beginning to lose the will to continue my fight. Bi-polar destrys many lives not just the Sufferer, and I will always hate this illness with a passion. It has robbed us of our future.

Bev...what you have been through! It sounds just awful. My husband has been very irrational over time due to his bipolar disorder and occasionally experiences bouts with his mania. He overspends & his temper flares. He hasn't hit me and he gave up drinking years ago because it interferes with his medication.

I'm worried about you, however. In dealing with this situation, have you taken time to care for yourself? Have you thought of leaving? Is it an option? I don't think that you should stay in your current situation, fearing his return at any moment. If you have friends or family members that will let you stay with them until you are financially stable, I recommend doing this. In my home, I handle the money because I can see how mania can trigger spending sprees.

Please stay safe & work out a way to get out of this marriage and this situation. You SHOULD NOT live this way, Bev.

Thank you so much for your reply - it reminds me that not everyone in this world is bad. I have spent a lot of time away from home recently but I still have to get our house on the market and sold. He has texted me this morning to say, "When can I come and pick my stuff up tomorrow?" no please, no thank you. He is in London at his Dad's place at the moment, 24 miles away from our house. I know that he is being completely inappropriate contacting me when on monday I have him up in front of a judge for Contempt of Court. He thinks that no-one or nothing can touch him. He is wrong and quite frankly, until I get another Court Order, I'm not going to allow him anywhere near me or our house as when he is here he just trashes the place so I have more tidying up to do. This illness is just so cruel and I am trying to sort myself out first. My father has agreed to buy me another house in his name so I can move out and pay him rent. At least my new home can then be protected in any Divorce proceedings. The rubbish thing about the Divorce is that I will have to get a marriage certificate from the US first as that's where we got married two years ago before I can even think about filing for one - the least of my worries. I wish I could know how long this manic could last! I have done everything in my power to stop him from leaving the country, including contacting the passport office and sending his Greencard back to the US embassy as he wasn't keeping up his residency anyhow. He lived and studied in the US for nearly 10 years, married someone in a fraudulant marriage to get his residency, divorced her and then left the US to come back to the UK leaving an unpaid debt of $100,000! That's in addition to the excess debts that he has run up whilst he has been with me. HE STILL WON'T TAKE HIS MEDS THOUGH, as he doesn't think there's anything wrong with him. In fact he thinks he can still control me when he is so much trouble.

I am doing my best to look after me at the moment and I have been out and seen my friends and family more in the last month than I have in the entire time I have been with my Bipolar Husband, 5 and half years now. I remained faithful throughout, I don't think he has though. I have also been assessed by a Psychiatrist and am glad to say that I am still mentally stable and it's been suggested that I carrying on engaging in talking therapies so even writing this ramble helps me. I now just wait and watch for the next installmant but I do now feel that our marriage has neared the end through no fault of my own. I do love my husband and took my marriage vows seriously so even considering divorce goes against my moral values but I ma starting to realise that maybe this is where I have to go in the future but finances need sorting first as I will be left with all the awful mess. Does it ever stop? "I think therefore I am" has been playing on mind recently as my husband doesn't think, he is just the "Big I am".

I guess that the biggest thing that would worry someone is that your husband isn't taking his medicine. There's no way he's going to be the person you love without them. Of course, you can't make him take them either. Long ago, I put that chore in my husband's hands. He takes his medicine 3x a day. I know I couldn't handle remembering all of that!

Another thing that worries me, you mention that your husband may not have been faithful during your marriage. Have you thought about being tested for STD's? Please take care of yourself & your body!

It's great that you are able to reestablish contact with friends and family throughout your ordeal. It's also hard to lean on them b/c we feel so guilty, so embarrassed. Believe me, I've been there. Every time hubby goes into the hospital, it becomes MY responsibility to let everyone in the family know. *sigh* That gets old really fast.

When my husband hits his manic point, he becomes a big ego-maniac too. He gets mad if I deny him ANYTHING, even money that we are saving, something that he has agreed to!

Just stay strong & hang in there. We can do it! There ARE other ppl out there dealing with the same things that you are dealing with!

BYD

Thanks for your kind words once again babe. I have been tested and I'm OK in that sense. Just thought I'd update you on what has happened this week.

He turned up at our house on monday morning - no warning, his daft father came too, why? He didn't know when I asked him. My husband tried to use the keys that he had taken the week before to try and get into the house, which he is still allowed to do. However as I'd changed the locks he wasn't coming in. I had to call the police to get him away as I was scared. I managed to hold my ground for a change and he left.

On tuesday evening, my ex-boyfriend, who is also a barrister served him with his court summons. He was completely calm (expecting maybe wanting divorce papers), he even shook hands with my friend. My friend thought that he might have been on something no shock there really! I thought he would now get the message and leave alone.

Oh No! Got a text message off him on wednesday morning, asking when he could come to the house and get his things. Not sure what he wants! I waited 2 hours and then sent him a polite reply asking him what it was he needed and that I would take it to his dad's. I'd had legal advice telling me to do this. I then get a phonecall almost straight away from his mum, he had telephoned her!!(He never does this). She was cold with him for obvious reasons. He found it hard to hold it together and all he wanted was for to ring me up and tell me to behave reasonabally as "she's trying to have me put into prison"! Yes that what the papers say but what I really want is protection for myself and treatment for him, the courts could order it if I'm lucky.

I haven't heard from him or about him since. I'm keeping away from home though as much as I can. I put our house on the market yesterday. Started looking for a new house for me too. I did find a Journal of my husband's last night which spans from 1995 to 2000 (I didn't know him then), he's always been depressed and manic from what I've read. He didn't know, still doesn't, wish I had though... I pray that in some ways I could fall out of love then it would be so much easier to leave. I wish he was more like his cousin who is doing the weather forecast on tv right now as I type this, balanced, confident and sane.

All I want to do is help but I'm starting to realise that the best thing I can do is keep my distance and wait for that crash. The posts on this site are fab, I can realte to them all like they are all my stories. I feel for each and everyone of you, people don't all believe that my husband is a monstor because he is so charming and lovely to nearly everyone else, but I know that he can't hold it together forever. God Bless to all.

It definitely sounds like a good idea to stay away from your husband. Whether you're waiting for him to crash or waiting for the divorce to come through, you must stay safe. I'm glad to hear that you've been tested for STD's. Otherwise, it sounds like you're doing a great job. I know it's stressful...that goes without saying. Are you seeing a therapist right now? I would recommend that you speak with someone too.

BYD

You will all be plaesed to know that I'm seeing several therapists at the moment. I am also off work while I sort everything out, luckily I have a good job and work for a great company. However, I am looking forward to having a life back sometime soon.

I am becoming stronger by the day, and reading the posts on this site has also made me see that this is what I have to do. My manic husband could be on the rampage for a long time and I have decided that I will not let me suffer in the meantime.

My mum-in-law and I have had a scary realization today - my husband isn't just Bi-polar, we think that there is a personality disorder mixed up with it. This is all in the wake of the recent shootings in Virginia, apparently my husband used to behave strangely as a kid but on-one took any notice. Really do hope it's not too late for him. He has always had a facination with knives and was waving an air gun around last year and then threatened me with it this year. I've removed it from our house now so he can't get his hands on it. Still the authorities don't want to listen.

In court tomorrow so will update again after that. Hope this isn't boring anyone, as my sister told me today that she is sick of it all. So much for support hey?

Well, I've just got back from court, the case has been adjourned until 14th June. I did get half of wanted I wanted - a non-molestation order with a power of arrest attached, I also got an occupation order with a power of arrest attached. My husband can't hurt me anymore. Thank God! He was represented by a barrister, I represented myself as I can't afford the legal fees. His lawyer did him no favours, in fact I think she made the situation worse for him. I hope that he might have some time to reflect on what he has done and maybe even seek some treatment before June. The judge could see that I am still in danger and I'm glad someone believes me. I just hope that things will now be peaceful and improve.

Bev...I am SO glad to hear that the judge ruled in your favor! This is great. Also, great job in representing yourself. Saving money is awesome. LOL

I don't think that our family members understand why bipolar is something that we have to discuss. It's something that we have to get out of our system. It's too bad that your sister isn't able to be there for you anymore. She doesn't fully understand the life of the spouse of a bipolar person. However, those of us who post here understand. Keep posting, keep learning. Life DOES go on.

BYD

I'm taking your advice and I'm gonna carry on posting here. It's really helped me, I just wish I'd found this site sooner.

I'm still feeling smug about yesterday, representing myself and everything :-)

Today has been good in that I've got quite a lot done. I had to see my own Dr and go down to the Police station to log my papers - all mundane stuff.

I did get a call from the local mental health team though to say that my husband has agreed to see the Psychiatrist next week - Thank the Lord! Yesterday's events must be starting to sink in, at least a little bit I suppose. I was told however that he is very difficult to diagnose both by these guys and my own GP this morning who was also one of the Sectioning Drs. I've told them all that if they had involved me and his mum a bit more than his diagnosis would be obvious. His Bipolar is obvious to a Psychiatrist friend of mine and he hasn't even met him. How difficult is this condition to diagnose? I mean I've seen all the highs and the lows for 5 years now. He has been to see his Dr for anti-depressants every year. He has wierd highs in this time and been violent and aggressive. Acted recklessly and spent money like there is no tomorrow. Any doubt about what I might be describing? Well may be not to you and me but the professionals just can't be bothered.

I carry on with my wait. It's our second wedding anniversary on sunday, we will be apart. I never thought that when I said my wedding vows - so sad.

It's hard not being with the one you love on important anniversaries. It's easy to become sentimental about things like this. Just remember that you're doing what's best for you & hopefully he's doing what's best for him. It's great that he's decided to see a therapist...YAY! That's just one formative step in his process...you need to concentrate on your process.

How do you identify? As a victim or as a survivor?

BYD

A survivor now!! I've been and done the victim thing but I guess everyone goes there at some point.

Thank you so much for caring as your kind words really help.

The Mental Health Team have confirmed that my husband is going to go to the hospital on tuesday and they have asked to see me on monday so they can get my side. Finally someone is listening to me!

Another full day for me, I'm getting used to life on my own a bit. I guess I had better get used to being on my own on important dates, seems quite common for us with Bipolar Spouses and partners.

Wonder what tomorrow will hold...

I'm so glad to hear that things are looking up. Yes, we partners of bipolar peeps really have to do things on our own quite a bit. Of course, I enjoy being alone, but it's harder on "special" days.

It's great that you're finally giving your side of the story to the authorities. It's really reassuring when people LISTEN to us, isn't it?

Any time you need to chat or discuss your situation, just PM me, eh? I usually check in every day or 2...

BYD

I think it has finally hit me... my husband has Bipolar and I might never get him back, so scared and worried, also lonely.

I have been so strong for months, that I haven't had time to grieve for my lost life - not properly anyway. I guess I'm also feeling resentment towards my husband for as usual I'm left to sort out the mess he has created, while he sleeps soundly at his father's house, having a good time no doubt.

I have people coming to view the house today - hopefully someone will want to buy our dream. Yesterday was hard too, I had to start sorting our things out - painful. I'm trying to detach myself from emotion but I can't. I just pray it gets better re my husband's treatment. Miss him so much, not even sure he loves me anymore, it's worse at night when I'm alone in the dark.

Well, I've nearly got through today - our second wedding anniversary. Wish he had been well enough to share it with me. Most people haven't remembered and I haven't contacted my husband either, although I have written a long text message which I might send him when he is better.

Ironically, I have been to see his football team play at their new stadium in London, something that I know he hasn't done yet. He'd be green with envy if he knew. My ex-boyfriend (who is also my legal advisor) took me - something I'm thankful for, otherwise today could have been much harder.

I have a clean house again and finally feel my life in getting into some sort of order. I spent the day yesterday with friends too, it's the only way I can stop focusing on the state of my marriage, that's if I even have one anymore - I still wear my wedding ring in hope that he will get better and come back. I pray to God that we might celebrate our third anniverary together next year.