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I am new to this. I was diagnosed with Bipolar type 2 about 7 months ago and I guess I'm looking for a place to tell my story, learn from people who are like me, and let others learn from me. I'm hoping this is the right place for me.
WHAT STORY WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL? MY STORY IS THAT I WILL BE 24 IN MAY AND I WAS DIAGNOSED ABOUT 7 MONTHS AGO TO. I WILL TELL YOU SOME THINGS ABOUT ME THAT I DONT TELL ANYONE BUT I HAD A RISKY LIFE STYLE I DID DRUGS, I WAS PROMISCUOUS, MY BEHAVIOR WAS DANGEROUS. I WAS THIS VICIOUS SPITEFUL VINDICTIVE PERSON WHO ALWAYS HAD TO GET REVENGE AT ALL COST. NOW I’M TRYING TO LOSE THAT HORRIBLE PERSONA ABOUT MYSELF. AND I’M SCARED OF THAT PERSON BECAUSE SHE IS A DANGEROUS PERSON. I STRUGGLE EVERYDAY WITH MYSELF TRYING NOT TO BE THAT GIRL WHO EXPLODES AND SHOWS THAT RAGE. I FEEL LIKE I’M ONE PERSON WITH TWO DIFFERENT PERSONALITIES. MOST OF THE TIME I’M SO SCARED OF MYSELF BECAUSE WHAT I COULD ACTUALLY DO TO SOMEONE WITH ALL THE RAGE AND ANGER I FEEL INSIDE. TO UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING I WORK WITH THE GOVERNMENT CATCHING CHILD PREDATORS ONLINE AND THE FBI GAVE ME A LAPTOP SO I CAN RECORD WHAT MEN DO TO THEMSELVES WHILE THEY THINK A YOUNG CHILD IS WATCHING BUT THIS TIME A MAN RAPED A 14YR OLD GIRL AND HE THOUGHT I WAS A 13YR OLD BOY. I HAVE HAD OVER 140 MEN PUT IN JAIL. SO I RECEIVED AN EMAIL FROM HER FEW DAYS AGO FROM THE YOUNG GIRL WHO I WATCHED GET RAPED AND ONE OF MY MINORS IS PSYCHOLOGY AND CRIMINAL JUSTICE AND YOU LEARN TO READ DEEPER INTO THINGS WELL HOW THIS YOUNG GIRL WROTE THIS EMAIL IT SOUNDED SUICIDAL AND SHE WANTED MY HELP NOW TO HELP HER I HAD TO DIG INTO A PAST THAT I HAD BURIED FOR YEARS. ABOUT MY PAST WITH MY EX I NEVER TOLD ANYONE THIS BUT IT WASN’T PLEASANT AT ALL I WAS YOUNG AND HE WAS 2YRS OLDER THAN ME AND I ALWAYS HELD IN HOW MUCH HE HURT ME EVEN TO THIS DAY. THAT EMAIL HAD TO MAKE ME REALIZE THINGS THAT I LOST IN MY MIND AND NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT AGAIN. AND WHEN I GOT THAT EMAIL I HAD DREAM LAST NIGHT WASN’T VERY PLEASANT IT FELT SO REAL LIKE A WAS A CHILD AGAIN THAT CHILD WHO WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WHO HID ALL THE BRUISES ALL OVER HER BODY THE CHILD WHO WOULD HAVE HAND MARKS BETWEEN MY LEGS FROM BEING FORCED OPENED. I NEVER TALKED ABOUT IT SO I NEVER REALLY HAD TO FACE THE REAL PAIN UNTIL I READ HER EMAIL. I HAD TO LOOK INTO MY PAST AND REMEMBER WHAT I HAVE HIDDEN FOR YEARS TO HELP HER I HAD TO FIND AWAY TO OPEN ALL THOSE OLD SCARES AGAIN AND I’M NOT READY FOR THAT. I STARTED DOING DRUGS TO GET RID OF ALL THAT PAIN I ENDURED EVERYDAY OF MY CHILDHOOD. I LOOK AT MY LIFE NOW AND HOW STRONG PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY AND HOW COULD I JUST LET SOMEONE JUST TAKE WHAT HE WANTED FROM ME WITHOUT FIGHTING BACK WITHOUT TELLING ANYONE. WAS I THAT WEAK? I JUST ALLOWED SOMEONE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME, TO CAUSE ME TO HAVE ALL THESE FEELINGS THAT I CAN TRY AND BRING OUT AND STOP HIDING LIKE IT WAS MY FAULT. FOR ALL THESE YRS HE STILL HAD POWER AND CONTROL OVER ME BECAUSE I HELD IT ALL IN. IT WAS TORTURE AND CAUSED ME SO MUCH AGONY THAT I ALWAYS FELT DIRTY. I’LL ALWAYS HAVE THAT ASHAMED, EMBARRASSED, AND HUMILIATION PAIN AND I PROBABLY WOULDN’T BE THE PERSON I AM TODAY HONEST, AND STRONG MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY. THERE IS NO MORE SCARED LITTLE GIRL THERE IS THIS WOMAN WHO CAN BE EVIL CAN BE HARMFUL AND HAVE MALICIOUS ACTIONS TOWARDS PEOPLE WHO GET ON MY BAD SIDE. BUT THAN THERE IS THIS WOMAN WHO WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR HER FRIENDS AND FAMILY AND PROTECT YOUNG KIDS FROM PREDATORS WHO GOT HER STRENGTH FROM THINGS I HIDE. BUT THERE WILL ALWAYS BE THAT PERSON WHO WILL ALWAYS FEEL EMPTY. THAT PART OF MY HEART AND SOUL THAT IS ALWAYS GOING TO HAVE A VOID IN IT. NOW I HAVE THE POWER AND CONTROL OVER ME BUT IT TOOK SO MUCH AND TELLING MAKES HIM LESS POWERFUL OVER ME. MAYBE THIS WILL HELP YOU OPEN UP!!!
