Bipolar Depression

Posted 07-26-2007 02:32 PM
I have been married to my husband for 17 yrs.He was diagnosed as biopolar,the first yr we were married,he also deals with anxiety,pannick attacks.This man has been through so much,and I have always been there for him until about 2 yrs ago.I have walked the floors many of nights with him.He started withdrawing from me about 2 yrs ago.He has been on every kind of medicine,and they either quit working or he quits taking them.He has told me for the last 2 yrs that he hates my guts,but he wont leave,he says that he is leaving when the kids are grown.Iadmit that I am really mean to him and say hurtfull things now.I try so hard to get him to understand how I feel.I am so lonely,and I love this man more than anything.He NEVER talks to me,never says anything nice,never buys me anything,never spends time with me,and its really hard because for 15 yrs,he was like a baby leaning on me.He wont admit anything is wrong with him,hes not taking any meds now.He has quit having anything to do with 2 of the kids, and is like a brother to the youngest child,he is 9.He needs help,but says its not him,he told my daughter today that he hated my guts,and that I was posessed with deamons.Is there anyway that I can make him realize????Please I LOVE HIM SO MUCH,and he hurts me so much,is ther anything I can do? He also spends money like crazy.Any advice would be appreciated.
Posts: 1 | Registered: 07-25-2007

Boy! How can I start. First of all I can relate to how your husband is reacting. I'm Bi-polar II and I personally (when I'm in an episode) ignore the household duties, my children (when I'm not yelling at them and saying hurtfull things about their mother),I sleep all the time, cry when I'm not asleep,and spend money (that we don't have,or is suppose to paybills) to "make" me happy or apologize for the screaming and yelling. It's a consistant battle! Nornally a major life lose or trauma is what it would take for me to seek out professional help (Before I run under a tractor tailer doing 70 on the freeway in hopes of ending the torment). You might want to try to look for reversed help expalin to him that you need jis help in treatment, then when you and he go try to get your professional to help by actually treating him. The only other way is to seek to have him commited for treatment and stabalization. Although I didn't go that far with myself it might be necessary to get him back before he attempts suicide, or harm to you or your children. With the right medication management, exercise and diet all will begin to balance. Yet he may still have money managemwnt problems the won't be so severe that you fill at the end of your rope. Good luck and I hope this helps a little.

Hello!

You ask if there is anything you can do? You are very much in love with your husband and you would do anything to have him back in your life the way he was before all the bipolar madness took over your lives. One person responded by saying you could have your husband committed. I have done that to my husband and, yes, it does help for this time around. My husband "gets better" and goes back to being the way he was before he got manic, and we live a more or less "normal" life. Then, something happens, some kind of stessor, like my son getting into a disagreement with his boy scout leader, and my husband is off to the races again. Gone are the days of normalcy; back are the days of him blaming me for everything that is wrong in his life. I endured this kind of cyclic way of living off and on for 14 years. During that time, I learned that nothing I could say or do would change him. Therefore, I moved into my own apartment with my son; my husband and I carried on with our marriage as two platonic friends. You see, I could not make love to him anymore. I could forgive, but not forget, the image of him spitting on me, dragging me by my feet across the floor and throwing my head onto a concrete floor with his bare hands. The two just didn't mix and all my sense of "being in love" with him, vanished. We carried on, much as two best friends would, but there was never again any sexual intimacy in our lives. By living away from him, I was able to re-gain some dignity and respect in my life, for those times when he became manic again. He would do things like physically and verbally threaten me (and my son), start fires and destroy cars. I just couldn't see my son and I living like that anymore. We had to have some peace in our lives.
A lot of people excuse their behavior by saying that it is the "disease" that is causing them to act the way they do and they have no control over it. Well, imagine if I said that to someone if I had cancer; if I said I had no control over my actions because I had cancer. Yes, our lives are changed by our diagnosis, but we can choose to exert some control over the illness, not the other way around. The problem is that most bipolar people do not want to get rid of the manic highs of bipolar. The highs are very attractive to a bipolar person, as they make them feel invincible. I know, because I am bipolar; I have experienced the highs of mania. Unlike my spouse, I chose to take control over my life and ensure, to the best of my ability, that I would not become manic anymore. For the most part, I have been successful in doing this. One problem I have not controlled completely is spending money that I do not have. I am in debt up to my eyeballs. The good news is that I am responsible for that, and only I am responsible for that. My husband died a little over two years ago from a combination of COPD and bipolar. He had been discharged from the hospital with strict orders to take oxygen numerous times during the day. Since he was in the midst of a raging psychotic, bipolar episode, he was not able or willing to follow the doctor's orders, and he simply died from lack of oxygen right there in his own apartment. The 911 team found him dead in his apartment two days after he was discharged from the hospital. My son and I had not been too concerned about not hearing from him, as he sometimes would not talk to us for a day or two at a time, when he was in a manic episode.
I know you love your husband. You will probably always love your husband. You must do what is right for you, though, and take control of your own life. You must instill some dignity and respect back into your life. If that means living in separate homes, maybe it is worth a shot. The only way things are going to change is if you become the agent for change. If left to his own devices, your husband will continue to cycle in and out of this kind of behavior, probably for the rest of his life. Are you willing to accept a life filled with that kind of pain and anguish - with no dignity and no respect - with no intimacy and no caring - for those periods when your husband is "episodic"? Only you can answer those questions. Once you have decided what you are willing to accept or not accept, then you can take action from there. I wish you the very best in your decision making. Believe me, I know it is not an easy choice. I went through a lot of pain and anguish in deciding to move out on my own. It was only the threat of my (and my son's) lives being in danger, that finally made me make up my mind. I hope it doesn't have to get that bad for you.

Kay

He needs to get to doc immediately for an evaluation and get new or a new mix of meds. If he's not sleeping, exercising, avoiding stress and working on a life balance, he will not be fully healthy. He needs to know getting help is a strength. Needs to know doing this will help him, you and the kids.
If he's can see the value in this, there's nothing more you can you, other than lovingly and carefully delivering this message.
Also, the hurtful, hateful words must stop. Now. That only hurts bp and non-bp people. Forget. Forgive. Starting now, positive words, delivered sincerely, gently.
If you are in danger, take the kids and leave, get distance.
If he makes no attempt to get better, it may be time to leave. If he does try, give him a chance. I believe in hope.