Bipolar Depression

Wow, I don't know where to begin. First of all, it's my friend with bp and it's like night and day almost. Let me share:
One night I was on the phone with her (we talk for hours sometimes)and she had to go because of a valid reason and said she would call me back. Hours later nothing. I leave a message and email. Nothing. She writes me back the next morning and explains why and was to tired etc, promises to call that night. No call. I send her an email hurt. She then tells me for the first time she is bipolar and sometimes she just lays in bed and can't do anything--which is what happened. Everything comes together and I understand. She promises to never do that again, and if she cannot call back or is in a mood she will drop me a note or just call real quick. I say fantastic. Now the latest:
She writes me an email telling me how she is doing, how she is recovering from surgery, etc. Tells me she will call later in the afternoon. Nothing. Night comes. Nothing. I call and her f**in phone is turned off.

I leave her a message, not angry but concerned and hurt, especially considering the fact that she promised me. I became really mad and emailed her a few times gradually calming down and realizing I am dealing with an illness. I texted her today and then dialed and her phone was on. I did not leave another message. I mean if this was a normal person i would not tolerate this for a second. The worst part about it was after she emailed yesterday, since I am going through some things as well I wanted her to promise she will never abondon me. Since that was around 5 I think her phone was off by then--who knows. She tells me that sometimes it's harf yo just ahve the motivation to get a glass of water.

Is this stuff true with bp or am I the worlds biggest moron? I have never felt so hurt.

Also I should add it is now after 3 today and still have heard nothing.

Does anyone have any advice?

Hi Dan,

Sounds classic to me. Your friend may even fear answering the phone, going out, and generally interacting with others.

Depending on how quickly she cycles, she may be upbeat again tomorrow, and may still be unreachable for the next several days or weeks.

It's a harsh illness, both on the person and their loved ones.

Be patient, and don't abandon your friend.

Derek

Hi Dan,

Your story is all too familiar. I was briefly involved with a BP guy last summer, except in my case, I didn't know at the time he had it. I refer to it as the "disappearing acts", and it happened several times throughout a two-month period. But in his case, it wasn't when we talked on the phone (although we, too, would talk for hours at a time). We often chatted through IM online, again many times for hours at a time. Then, out of the blue, he would just stop chatting. His status showed that he was still on-line, but he would just plain stop. The first time it happened, I thought "what the??" I kept typing things to him, asking if everything was okay, and no response. Eventually his status indicator switched to "idle" which meant he hadn't been using his computer for some time. At first I was worried like something happened, because I couldn't reach him by phone either (phone turned off). But then I got angry because later in the night, I noticed that his status indicator switched from idle to available again, but he never bothered to respond to my comments. Long story short, it took him two more days to tell me that "something bad" happened to one of his kids and that's why he couldn't respond (I would later learn from him that this was a lie, and that he was really just not feeling well but didn't want to admit that). It happened several more times, but each time his disappearance would last a little longer (two, three, four days). He wouldn't reply to my messages and his phone was shut off. But he always had some strange excuse for why he wouldn't answer me. One time I saw him on the IM, so I typed him a quick note to say hi, and two minutes later, he signed out without even responding. When I questioned him later and asked why he was being rude, he told me I was being paranoid and jumping to conclusions!

Well, eventually he disappeared for good. We were talking on the phone one night and he was distant, detached but very aggitated. I asked him a question about something, he got irate (his voice even changed into something really scary, like it wasn't even him) and he abruptly ended the conversation. That was it. I tried several times to reach out to him (by phone and IM) but to no avail. He simply would not respond and it was like I no longer existed to him. I finally just stopped altogether and a week later, I noticed he was active on the dating site where I first met him.

Sorry for the long response, but from everything I've read, this is not uncharacteristic for somebody with BP. I don't really have any advice to give you, but at least you know what you're dealing with and through reading and educating yourself on this disorder, you might gain a better understanding on how to cope with these types of episodes. But yes it is hurtful and it's difficult not to take it personally, especially when you have strong feelings for the other person. Good luck to you.

Oh I better add she is escorting. I think part of the reason is I really doubt if she could hold down a job with her erratic bp. She has only been on meds since august--says they are still trying to get the "correct dossage"

Thanks for sharing everyone--but it is still really hurtful--especially after she "promised" It's been 3 days now since the fiasco.

something that really worries me though is that first time, when she never called I sent her an email and she called and eamiled to apologize and tell me she was bipolar--though she did not stay on the phone long. This time it has been 3 days and nothing..
Jan and feb are her worst months she said..but I just don't know..I do really care and I never want to lose her

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Tara: Says he'll call doesn't. Doesn't respond to my texts. His will last a while, probably followed with a break up. But he always comes back, and I'm sure when your friend gets out of her funk, she'll get back in touch with you.

]What is the longest he has gone? Was the second time longer than the first?

Hi Tara,

-the first time this happened did he promise not to do it again?

When he is not interacting with you is he interating with others?

Thank you for sharing with me--this is driving
ME crazy-lol

Hi Dan76,

What is your story? From what you have written, I think I'm in the same boat you are. I haven't heard from my guy (my ex-guy now) in over 3 months. Meanwhile he is working and interacting with others and is on a dating site. He never really broke up with me - he just said he needed his space and was gone. And, this was after having me come to his state to look at houses he wanted to rent for us to live in. Professing how much he loves me and buying me an expensive gift. I was uncovering things about him that he had misrepresented (compulsive shopping, excessive caffeine consumption, etc.) and I confronted him with all of it and then he was just "gone". He went so overboard with the romance with me that I think I met him when he was in a hypomanic state. I think my confronting him with everything "triggered" him into "tuning out" on me. I don't think he is ever coming back. Is this what happened to you?

This has also recently happened with a good male friend of mine too. He lost a bunch of money in yet another half-baked business, dumped his terrific girlfriend out of nowhere and just stopped calling me and doesn't return any calls. Yet, the one time I got through on his cell phone, he said he was at a sports game with a guy buddy - so I know he is doing things with people. But, I'm thinking that these are people who just know him superficially, even though they know him for a long time.

I think that is what she is doing too. Assciating with people she barely knows or complete strangers. In fact she goes back to "work" monday as an escort so I know she is doing this. The logic is so backwards!

Today was day 4; and nothing. But I did left her an email and two voicemails. What gets me is I don;t know what triggers this s**t!

So why do you think they don't like the confrontation?

I'm really thinking if I don't here by a certain date, that I am going to threaten to tell her son about her escorting unless she calls. I really don't see another option.

just to let everyone know Dan and Dan76 are both me

Hi Dan - using two log-on names is confusing.

I have a female friend who I suspect is BP who does the same thing as your GF. She says she can't talk, will call me back later, unplugs her phone for weeks. I just keep calling and whenever I get her on the phone she is very nice to me and says that she was just "laying low" because she couldn't "deal" with talking to anyone. She also goes out periodically during these times and goes to church.

I just let it slide - after all, she's always pleasant when we do speak. Twice, she sent me nice notes when I had left her phone messages but she never returned the calls.

Sometimes, these people are just doing the best they can. I will never understand why they can't talk on the phone, yet can go to work. Sometimes I think it's because, with someone who they are close to, they will have to "explain" themselves and they don't want to have to do that.

I wouldn't threaten her - I think that would push her further away. In my opinion, the only thing you can really do is let her come and go as she can and don't depend on making any set plans with her.

Yeah, I had to get another screen name because my email was wrong.

Yes, I totally agree with you about going to work and interacting with others, yet they don't return calls, or REALLY delayed emails to people that are closer to them! Sometimes she will email me and say, I'll call you later today/tonight or thursday (for example)--it's like, if your already typing on the computor why not just pick up the phone--like I told her-- you don't have to make an appointment!-lol. It's just bizarre. But I guess only someone with that illness only understands what it is like--unless they are major manipulators.

I think your right that they don't want to have to explain/justify ther state. I winder if she is mad at me maybe, because I was very hurt how she broke her promise to me that she would not just not call, but would drop a line to say not feeling well, etc. Like this last time no call/phone was shut off. I sent emails, voicemails-no response. It;s day 5 now. This time she did not call/write the next day to apologize--this has been the longest.

I told her in one of my emails that I thought her illness was worse than she or I thinks and that I thought she should tell her doctor about some of out interaction. Maybe that made her mad..

Jan and feb are her worst months she says and only been on meds since summer--trying to get correct dosage she says.

It really sucks because when we do talk and communicate well it's fantastic, sometimes hours on the phone. But it is so bizarre she would break her word and then not even apologize. It's like each time is worse and the closer I get to her the more erratic the interaction

Hi Dan,

I know, it sucks. My boyfriend went from making me look at houses to live in with him in another state TO telling me he needs his space in a span of two days!! It wasn't even like talking to my guy - his voice and demeanor were different. Cold. Mean. You'd think he caught me in bed with his best friend or something from his attitude.

It's been over 3 months now with no contact and I stopped emailing him just after Thanksgiving. He never wrote or called. He never even broke up with me! Looking back, I think he was fixed up with me while he was hypomanic and then I said and did things which triggered him into disappearing. He called me his "an-gel" and I always felt like I was playing a part in the fantasy he had in his head. I suspect it was easier for him just to "tune out" because he didn't want to have to explain himself. I also suspect he is undiagnosed BPII, based on what I observed when I was with him (didn't know anything about BP symptoms at the time though). He had been exclaiming this strong love for me and made me feel guilty for not returning his fervent love. I was skeptical because all of this was happening too fast. The relationship was only 2-1/2 months long - start to finish and he made two trips to me and I made two trips to him in that time. Oh my, mania sure is FUN! But, what goes up - must come down.

This is the second guy who has done this to me - the first time around was 14 years ago and I never heard from that guy again, even though he lived a few blocks away. He had just given me a diamond tennis bracelet and told me that he loved me more than anyone ever in his life, then just three weeks later he started the "push/pull" thing and then he was just gone. The whole relationship lasted only 3 months. I watched from afar as he did the same thing to two more women in 10 years. Re-reading my diary from that time, I have come to the conclusion that he was also BPII or cyclothymic.

Your girl sounds like she is experiencing some kind of rapid cycling. Again, this is from what I have read. At least you know that she has an actual diagnosis, so that you are not blaming yourself, like I did and am still doing.

And, I'm wondering if she has other symptoms of BP. Hypersexuality? Excessive spending? Self medicating with drugs or alcohol? Strange job history? Mania or hypomania? Smoking? Excessive caffeine consumption? Getting by with little sleep or food? Does she have a history of infidelity?

In my opinion, the more you pressure her to "perform", the more she will run and pull away. So, don't count on her calling you back and maybe don't call her back right away when she does. Is she a friend or a girlfriend? You seem to be going through an awful lot of trouble for someone who is just a casual friend.

That's really crazy--I feel sorry for you! It's like this is the toughest thing on earth..

I know she has sleep problems, one night before I knew she was bipolar she told me she had been up for 22 hours.

Well, she is a high paid escort, and she told me she has about 10 meetings a week, which is about 2 a day. So there you have it about the sex activity..

I know she worked as a paralegal for nine years but I know that she has only been on meds since summer-something had to have led up to that. I really think one of the things that led her to escorting was I have a hard time believing that someone could hold a job with so many ups and downs, lack of sleep ,etc. Just imagine them not showing up or whatever and they're supervisor trying to make them explain..

Maybe I should explain how we met. I am actually in recovery myself, and for a long time was kind of emotionally isolated. To just help me reconnect again I decided to see someone a long term basis. However, I was not expecting a connection. In three weeks I count 20 emails from her and we would stay on the phone for hours. I was looking at my cell phone bill and one night alone we were on the phone almost three hours. It just felt like an amazing friendship--possibly leading to more. And that's what makes this so hard--I almost feel abandoned. When you haven't felt a connection in a long time and it's just crushes your soul. She has never gone this long (five days) and I emailed her yesterday and left two messages. We are supposed to meet up for my birthday in 3 weeks and now I'm really worried. The only thing I asked for was an explination and an apology. And then afterward I found MYSELF aologizing.

So I should stop emaaling and calling altogether and wait? Do you think she ever contact again? This just makes no sense...She always had a heart of gold and so down to earth