Bipolar Depression

I've now had two friends in the medical field and our family doctor all tell me my husband is BP. Even his sister told me he has always been like this and is probably BP. Yet, I feel so guilty when we are in a "good phase" and he tells me that the anger and outburst I believe he has are all exagerated in my mind and his behavior is because I have become so cold and detached from him. He is lonely and I don't show him affection -- that I am desperately trying to detach from him and the family. It is all true. I am. I have detached. I am very guarded with my emotions and feelings toward him -- because I am so hurt. It is like the chicken and the egg argument. Am I like this because of him -- or is he like this because of me? It's been almost 10 years of marriage -- I don't think I was always like this. I'm not an overly emotional person -- but I don't think I was always like this...

My husband is brilliant and he's a pharmacist -- so there is no tricking him into a diagnosis or medication. He refuses to see a psychiatrist. Tells me our GP is wrong in is diagnosis because I only tell people half the story. And, I'm sure I do tell a slanted story -- who doesn't?

He is in the "love" phase...he loves me so much. He needs me so much. "why am I hurting him so badly by detaching?". I feel so guilty, but something inside tells me this will pass and the other side will come out soon enough. I just can't bring myself to let go and enjoy this because I'm convinced it won't last...

Is he just insecure? Am I the problem here? I feel terrible today...I worry that I am the problem. That I need the therapy. That I am the issue...

SC,

If you read through the threads in the "Friends and Loved Ones" forum, you'll find that almost all of us have experienced/are experiencing the same doubts as you. Some days are worse than others, and I wonder if there's any point in fighting on -- why don't I just give up, hand over custody of the children to her, and see whether I was the crazy one all along? But my parents, my sister and a few friends keep repeating to me that it is indeed my wife who is mentally ill, and that I need to stay strong for the sake of the kids -- even if it means months or years of fighting and hoping that she doesn't harm my three reasons for living.

I've printed out and highlighted many of those threads, and reread them often to remind myself that I'm doing the right thing. The one word which seems to stick out for me is "manipulative"; even after sending our two boys to the hospital emergency room, even after assaulting me and threatening to kill me, she had the knack to convince me that it was all my fault -- that I just hadn't supported her enough in her endeavours, that she really was striving to make a better life for us, that she was ready to forgive me for being a weakling and a poor provider if I would just listen to her and give her one more chance...

These doubts won't go away in the foreseeable future -- not as long as there are people (*her* family and friends) who keep insisting that she's reacting normally to "difficult" circumstances. Am I really exaggerating things? Being paranoid? Passive-aggressive? Unsympathetic? Most of the time, the answer is a resounding no. But because I kept these years of psychological abuse a secret -- out of shame, out of worry that it might poison her relationships with my friends and family, but mostly out of recurring personal doubts in my own judgment --, it's become my word against hers in many instances... And she's so convincing in pleading her case to me and others, that I begin to think I really *am* a bastard, after all.

I think that's the biggest problem with us BP SOs: we are, comparatively speaking, more sensitive than the average person. We have a natural inclination to put ourselves in someone else's shoes and understand their points of view, to too readily forgive and forget. It's a characteristic BPs take advantage of, even feed off of. I've come to consider myself a battered spouse -- the way promises are constantly made and broken, the delusions of grandeur, the baseless accusations, the financial irresponsibility, the use of children as pawns, the mind games, the physical and verbal threats to keep us in check, and the way I respond with total compliance and the hope that *this* will be the turning point in the relationship, reminds me of nothing less. It doesn't help that we love our BP SOs to death, and don't doubt of their abiding love for us and the kids, in spite of actions that seem to prove the contrary.

Judging from the comments made by some contributors on these fora, we BP SOs will question our own sanity so long as there is no resolution and no closure to our troubles. I'm hoping that I've reached the midway point in my trials, but the truth is that they've probably only just begun. This board is one of the safety lines I've cast to keep me relatively optimistic.

I keep hoping that the fact i even question if I am the crazy one, means I am not. After all, they always say that the "crazy" ones never question their sanity. I guess I deal with a lot of guilt that my first husband was a closet/functioning alcoholic. I spent years trying to determine who had the problem in the relationship -- though in hindsight, it was clear. But, he convinced me I was the crazy one. And my current husband is doing a fine job of doing the same. His outbursts are *my fault*. I'm not caring enough. I'm not emotionally involved enough, etc. Right now I am in debt up to my eyeballs with a start-up business my husband convinced me would secure our future (and make him famous in the process -- because you know he is intended for greater things). I am constantly reminded that *he* is the breadwinner, that he supports the family, that HE is in CONTROL. And, that my parttime job in the evenings (which accomodates his schedule) is a waste of my time since I don't make enough money.

And, yes, manuipulative -- what a key word in my life. I just wonder if I am just foolish enough to have landed into two relationships where people managed to manipulate me into believing they could provide the stable, secure life I want -- or if perhaps I *am* the crazy one who keeps sabotaging relationships. I don't know anymore. Believe me, I hear about my first marriage -- and how I'm destroying this marriage the same way i did that one. I've decided to start keeping a diary/calendar so I can more accurate track things -- so my memories are clear and not skewed. Perhaps that will help me...

thank you so for your words...it all rings entirely too true...

SC, you may find it a comfort to know that I have been in many of the places you describe: a first spouse who was very controlling, verbally abusive and sexually promiscuous (and who, oddly enough, wondered aloud whether she was bipolar); and a current spouse who is obsessed with money, success and fame, and wants it NOW, damn the risks.

Well, I had to file for bankruptcy in late December because of her. She refused to listen to reason -- refused to listen to my pleas for compromise and to manage her risks accordingly -- and was constantly berating me for being "scared" and for not "trusting" her business instincts. She had to start the business quickly, and planned on opening branches in several cities across Canada and the States within the next five years... Otherwise, how were we to survive financially, she asked? You see, it was my fault that I didn't earn enough money to send our kids to private schools in Europe, to hire maids and nannies so she could get out of the house, to afford yearly trips to South Korea to visit her family, etc. She always put the kids behind her blind ambition. She neglected them -- to the point of nearly killing our daughter two summers ago -- and regularly expressed exasperation at my desire to spend most of my free time evenings and weekends with them instead of helping her run her business.

The most heartbreaking aspect of this sad story is that she really does love our children. She's recommitted herself to family several times in the past five years, but that overwhelming BP need for drama and excitement, as some here have observed, just can't compete with the "drudgery" of raising children until the last one has reached school age. After a couple of months at home with them, she always complained about life being too dull and cast them aside to "fulfill her potential."

After her attempts at manipulating me for more money and credit began to fail, she started levying threats against me, insisting that she would move back to Korea with the children if I didn't do as I was told. Of course, she didn't adopt a belligerent tone; rather, she would weep uncontrollably and tell me how unhappy she was in Canada, begging me to give her a reason for staying. She instilled in me such conflicting emotions that I always gave her the benefit of the doubt and did what she wanted, hoping that she would prove me wrong in the end.

As a result of this blackmail, I signed all sorts of papers that made me legally and financially responsible for her business-related actions. I am the only one officially employed, so her financial record, such as it is, remains unblemished. (My credit rating was A+ three months ago.) There are threats of fraud and lawsuits hanging over my head because of this mess from irate clients... She even lost $100,000 she borrowed from a shady Korean millionnaire whose kids were living with us to learn English, so I have to worry about possible retribution of a more dubious sort -- no legal agreement was ever signed, and he imposed onerous repayment terms several months after the fact. He's even told me that he earns most of his money as a private lender -- only ever agreeing to loans to people with families, he stressed.

Now I have temporary custody of the children. We live at my parents' house, while she cashes in family allowance cheques and is given money by friends and relatives to pay the mortgage on our house. I am on parental leave for eight months and earn only half of my regular salary. No matter what happens -- even if the courts, the Children's Aid Society and her psychiatrist all tell me to stay away from her; even if I divorce her, in fact -- I am financially responsible for her until 2011, because I sponsored her immigration to Canada. The government has even threatened to garnish my welfare cheques, if it came to that, to make sure she has enough to live on... While my kids and I would theoretically wind up in the street.

And still I wonder if reconciliation is possible. As far as I know, she has yet to accept her illness and only ever consented to taking medication during her hospital stays. A restraining order makes it impossible for us to communicate even indirectly until her criminal case is resolved, so I keep wondering if this tough love has helped her see the light... or if, on the contrary, she's out for blood. I'll have a better idea in a couple of days, when we meet with our lawyers and the judge for our first family case conference.

Some background

SC, I don't think we're foolish for having fallen into two dreadful relationships -- just incredibly unlucky. As for the diary, I wish I'd started it years ago. I wrote a 20-page journal a couple of months ago of my ten-year relationship with my current wife, ticking off one by one, to the best of my recollection and with the utmost impartiality, all of the incidents -- milestones, as well as bits of odd behaviour -- marking her illness' progression. But most of all, I wish I had had the guts to talk about what was going on to my most trusted friends and relatives. As I mentioned earlier, it will often be her word against mine -- and despite her checkered medical history, it's much easier for third parties with no knowledge of BP to believe a disarmingly charming, defiant, self-confident mother capable of turning on the tears at will than an anxious father who stammers and displays all the characteristics of someone with something to hide, when his nervousness is entirely attributable to his low self-esteem and overriding fear of losing his children.

SC, you haven't hit rock bottom yet. Continue taking the steps you need to take to ensure your sanity. Document everything. Be as transparent and open as possible to others -- talk about your feelings, give a verifiable version of events, try to get your husband to revert to his BP self in front of others. Seeing is believing. I wish I hadn't been so worried about what others would think of me or my wife -- too many of my claims are unsubstantiated. Provide doubters and courts with the proof that you are not mad.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Daniel,

D -- thank you so much for sharing. What you are going through makes my issues look so easy in comparison. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. However, it is amazing the base characteristics that keep coming through in all these posts -- the degrees just vary.
They are so charismatic, aren't they? They can sell you on anything? They are so confident -- that was what attracted me to my SO. Then you learn what a shaky foundation that confidence is built on and it scares the hell out of you. I have reached out, and will continue to reach out to others. I believe it is pretty clear to most what is going on. In fact, it has been friends who have helped me accept that he is BP -- when I kept asking what was wrong. He has ruined or damaged so many relationships, that often I think the only reason many of our couple friends are still friends is because of me and the kids -- not him. I wouldn't dream of treating friends, they way he has treated his -- the terrible, harsh, biting words he has told them -- only to wait for them to appologize. He would never appologize. Fortunately, they are the "better person" when it comes to that and have made the attempt to mend the relationship.

My thoughts are with you. Fortunately, now that you are away from the chaos, hopefully you can begin to see reality in more clear perspective. Often, I think you need to step out of the situation to really see it for what it is.

I'm not a doctor, but it sounds like you both need counseling.
Speaking only for myself, I couldn't live with a woman if we were detached. I'm too physical. I don't suffocate her. But I really like the physical, even the little things. They do mean a lot. To me.
You're okay in feeling hurt and want to detach. But how long can you do this and not hurt each other? I know some men and women that don't care for affection and snuggling. That's not me.
You are both probably loving and care for each other, but people need to have some needs met. I think you need an objective, third party to help, and he needs to be evaluated and fully healthy to be able to discern what is bugging him. Then you need to be strong and listen to his needs. And he, yours. If you can't deliver on the crucial needs, it will be difficult. But I believe in hope. I believe anything is possible with God. But He wants us to make an effort. Both of you need to. I've made a lot of mistakes in this area, so I know a little about this.

Stonecold,

My heart is really feeling for you. Your're walking on eggshells right now.. huh? The Problem is you've mistaken physical shut down with emotion shutdown. You're pushing him away physically beacuse you're afraid to connect emotionally?

You've been a sounding board for his mood swings? You feel helpless to know when that rage is gonna come back and of course you will be its target, even if its not about you or your marriage. You're scared to love him, because when the rage episode emerges, he humilates the love you've given and you feel foolish.

I feel your anxiety and pain, and i would do the exact same thing your doing, its a natural way to protect ourselves on the inside, when there is no where to be at peace. You are not crazy, You're living with someone who has a mental illness, weither he thinks so or not.

No one knows you like family, and if his own sister can see it, then thats one flag in your corner.

It sounds like he's a vey proud man, and nothing is more humiliating than being told you have a mental illness, trust me I know.

It's almost like being told your a failor but its not your fault you are failing , and there is nothing YOU can do about it , in terms of fixing it yourself. You must yeild to a system of outside help, doctors, medication, therapy.

It is a stigma, a diease that is not taken as having cancer, No no...its the Hush Hush diases.

Your husband is a pharmacist? Then he has filled prescription after prescription for patients who have mental illness, and i wonder how many times he told himself how thankful he was that he was on the other side fo that counter.

Can you imagine how many people crossed his path and he was beyound grateful that HE wasn't ill. Pharmacists see and hear just as much as an MD. Unfourtunately The MD is the one who knows there is a spectrum of Bi polar, not just one specific mode.

How could he be ill? He has such a demanding job that requires a precise skill and control...

You're the one who's crazy.....

How can he have Bi polar...he is reliable and well organized professional who has seen the mentally ill...given them medication...gone over drug interactions with them...etc.

Like i said stonecold...bipolar...is an illness that has a spectrum...we are high functioning, or low functioning...we are out going...we are strong willed...we are sensitive and easily heartbroken...we put pressure on ourselves to be perfect in every aspect of our life...we instinctively know we are anything but perfect.

Denial works agaisnt us, but it is ,are strongest mode in order to look the world in the eye without feeling less than.

If you feel, have gatherd enough info on Bu polar and are more than half way certain he does have this illness, start charting his moods. Thats a good way to see if he does have a cycle, and most of us to do.

I myself, am a rapid cycler, i can go through panic and anxiety, to deppressed to anger to crying over it all and then back to depressed because im so fippen tired afterward. All in one day.

He may cycle differently, weeks or months of high hpyer active /mania, then a crash into depression.

Arm yourself with knowledge. try and get some of that esteem you've been drained of. You're not crazy and your husband isn't either. I know its very tramatic and draining to be around to wittness a bi polar, especially if it's your husband, relative, sibling etc.
I have a great book for you to read. Its personable and the woman who worte has bipolar, has had two marriages and talks about her road to recovery.

Its called :

Bipolar Disorder Demystified: Mastering The Tightrope of Manic Depression.

By Lana R. Castle

It is chalk full of info for the person with bipolar and for loved ones of the person who has it. I suggested it to my family to read after my diagnosis and it opened so many doors for us, mostly the door of exceptence and understanding.

Don't feel guilty, or confused you're doing the best that you can. And you're not stone cold, your scared and who wouldn't be.

Many prayers to you and your loved ones.