Bipolar Depression

Please take the time to read this, it would mean a lot to me if you could give me some advice.

I met a guy back in November, we got on really well immediatly and began a great relationship together.
Over time, I learnt about his past, events that have caused him to develop bipolar disorder. The story chanegd several times but I think now I really now what happened, and for the point of this, that is irrelevant anyway.

Due to a combination of each of our personalities and I believe, now, in relflection, due to the bipolar, we began to argue a fair bit by the end of February, over trivial things, but it had a big impact on the relationship, which was a shame as before it had felt so right, and I knew i was in love with him.

We carried on through, but it was turning intom a relationship I really didn't like or want. We'd argue whilst on the phone and when we saw eachother he was acting so differently to before, he would be cold and distant with me and seem to only be interested in being sexual together. I doubted he loved me.

There were ups, they were what I held on to, and we carried on in the relationship until the end of May, when the bombshell hit.

I discovered he had been seeing another girl since the end of February. Angry, humiliated I ended it with him, vowed never to speak to him again, telling him I deserved better than that.

He didn't contact me at all until a few weeks later, when by email, he explained how sorry he was and would love to hear from me. I didn't know what to do, but there were so many questions I wanetd answers to, and I still loved him despite everything so I replied. So, we began to talk again, and within a week or two he'd opened upto me what he was feeling and had felt all along. We met up for a drink yesterday.

He explained how he had felt so sad and lonely when we argued that he'd been so happy to meet this girl who he could talk to. He would always put up this harsh, tough front when we argued but said he would go home and cry his eyes out after.
He said it was as though something took over him, like he had so little control that he couldn't help doing things with this girl. He said she was 'just someone to help him'. I asked him if he loved her, he avoided the question, saying how caring she was etc. How can I know?
She lives a long way from where we do, and he would go there to escape from it. He had told me he was going there to work. Working is difficult for him, as I believe it can be for many people with bipolar, so going somewhere away from all the bad memories that caused it really helped. He WAS working, he went on a month placement, yet also seeing this girl.

When we met again yesterday, I realised how much I missed him despite it all. He seemed different, happier. It felt right with him.
Later on, he broke down, was crying, told me how much he loved me and always had, how he had ruined things but had no control over it and wished he could be with me.He told me how suicidal he had been before he met me. He said I had made him better, in that way at least I suppose. He said that I was the only person aside from his consultant that understood him.

Problem is, I don't know if I can be with him again. I'm not sure I can trust him again, because he has lied so much, even if he didn't want to. He may tell me he will always be honest from now, but really he has little control over it, right? He has told me many times how he clings onto people. When I ask him who exactly he is referring to he doesn't want to say. When i say, 'me?', he instantly denies it. I jsut don't know if he IS clinging onto me because he can't help it or if he really loves me.
He just seems so vulnerable to me, the thigns he says he feels and does, I feel like I can't leave him.

My friends and family feel like he has ruined things for me. I've had important exams this year which they think I won't do as well as I could have in because of the whole stress of this relationship. They don't know he has bipolar disorder, just think that he's bad news and I know if I even told them I met up with him yesterday they would say I would be making a mistake in seeing him.

So, basically, what I'm asking is, what on earth should I do? Is it foolish to try again with this relationship? I'm only young and I feel like I'm setting myself up to be hurt again, even though I love him.

Jasmine,

You sound like a nice girl.

I lived through a long relationship with a BP wife (20 years marriage). You can read about it by clicking on my name and reading my "recent posts". It was no fun.

Based on that, I would advise you to:

-read the posts of people on this forum who have had long relationships with BP's in the Friends and Loved One's section. It's not pretty.
-listen to your friends and family.
-as of today there are about 6.7 billion people in the world. About 3.35 billion of them are men (give or take a few million). You have a lot of choices. If you look, you are sure to find one who you can love, is not bp, doesn't argue with you over silly things, tells you a consistent and truthful story about his past, will appreciate you as a person instead of a sex object, is warm and loving, and doesn't cheat on you.

Regardless of whether this guy is BP he is treating you badly and you deserve better.

Drop this guy like a hot potato and find one that really loves you.

Take care.

This man, whether BP or not, is most certainly a NARCISSIST. He has no empathy for what he put you through and no remorse. He seems helpless because that is a way for him to get more "strokes" to feed his narcissism. When you weren't providing enough of these "strokes" for his ego, he found someone else who did. Notice how IT'S ALL ABOUT HIM?? His needs, his sadness, him needing someone to talk to? WHAT ABOUT YOU???

And, another question for you. Did the arguing and pulling away on his part begin when you were discovering things about him? Were you finding out that he wasn't exactly all he was cracked up to be? Or maybe just not *doting* as much on him as you had in the past.

This has happened to me, not once, but twice - with two different men, 14 years apart. The 2nd one really fooled me good!

You sound young and there are plenty of other men out there. Get rid of this loser and find a guy who is capable of the real thing.

Check out this website on Narcissistic Supply: http://samvak.tripod.com/faq28.html. Some guy wrote a book on it, but all the info is there for free, if you click around and read the various pages. I got a lot of good info there.

Good luck.

Thanks for your replies and yes, I've decided to not be with him. Unsurprisingly, when I told him I would only be friends with him, never more, he wasn't impressed, told me I should take longer to think about it.

To call him a narcissist, in my eyes, is quite harsh, but I can see that he does seem to be thinking about what is best for him, rather than for both of us. He seems sorry, but there's no way I can tell his remorse is genuine.

I can see he really needs someone to support him, but I needn't be his girlfriend to do that, especially as I certainly will get hurt again as that at some point.