Bipolar Depression

Hello all,

Any thoughts on this email would be greatly appreciated. I'm still in a pretty bad place right now - basically kicking my ass because I failed.

Well, I started out the day 86 days violence free. My mania is very rapid and comes out in anger, rage and violence. I was diagnosed bipolar July 1st while inpatient. I started on meds and had not had an outburst to date – until today that is.

I have a 13 yr old daughter who likes to push every button I have. We got into one of our typical arguments (not unusual for any 13 yr old and a parent). As I wrote the last sentence I had to pause for a minute. My wife argues with her on an almost daily basis. She is a very determined and head strong girl.

We got into a very stupid argument today and she became snide with me about something I knew was right. After sending her to the corner several times, she came back and mocked me.

I became violently upset and jumped out of the chair. I could feel the anger tear through my chest, my heart beat accelerate, and my forehead turn burning hot. I took three steps towards her and I could see the fear in her eyes. She said I had made a fist, but I don't remember that.

I stopped myself several steps from her, steeled my nerves as best I could and told her I couldn't do this. I sent her to her mother and I followed her up and let out my steam explaining what happened.

I left them alone for a while and then I came back. Mom helped mediate the situation and I believe that we both learned. I tried to explain that anger is a natural emotion, BUT how I expressed it today was wrong. She was standing up for what she thought was right, and in retrospect, she might have been right – I really don’t know or care right now.

I am resetting my count today. Tomorrow is day 1. I was really looking forward to 100, but I'll earn that – I’ll get there.

I know I didn’t touch her, but I was violent.

I'm still torn right now and writing out my stressors and what ramped me up. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I'm still in a pretty bad place right now - basically kicking my ass because I failed.

I printed out my post and my wife has made me substitute the words "I failed" with "I stumbled".

Your wife was right. You did not fail, you stumbled. We all stumble, over and over again. If the journey were easy the destination wouldn't mean anything.
The important thing is, you stopped yourself before it got out of control, brought in someone to mediate, and communicated. You knew you had done wrong and apologized and explained. That is good parenting. We will all make mistakes, how we respond to those mistakes is what's really important.

Well on Thanksgiving Day I will be 60 days violence free again. I haven't looked back at the old post, but I think I had gone 82 days or so then.

There is much to be Thankful for. Since my last post I have defused two situations prior to "going off" and those are very satisfying. It's a process and one I can continue to learn and grow with.