Bipolar Depression

I have been married over 14 years to a man who has been very kind and loving, but I now believe he is bipolar and looking back I can see the cycles we've been through for years. He became disabled about 4 years ago (Sjogren's syndrome with severe arthritis, esp. in knees, high blood pressure, diabetes, neuropathy, etc.). He was only 38 at the time, so it was difficult for him to cope with the fact that he was no longer able to work. He had been very dedicated to his job and loved what he did.

He has, of course struggled with depression and takes 2 antidepressants (Cymbalta, Trazodone), but looking back, I see signs of hypomania for the past 12 years (impulsive decisions with no logic, spending too much money, using credit cards for "needs" that were actually "wants", being somewhat narcissistic, poor judgment, and extreme moods). His 2 children from his first marriage are grown now and both have been diagnosed with BPD; one was hospitalized at age 17 with manic depression, the other has the rapid cycling form and will not stay on meds.

In March of this year I told him we needed to do something because he was exhausting me and I could not "police" him on his wild spending and his endless obsessions anymore. Little did I know that he was in the midst of a HUGE spending spree at the time that wiped out our very nice tax return and left us nearly $800 overdrawn in our checking account. Thank goodness our credit card accounts had already been closed!

He started looking for an apartment and moved into it on April 2; he suddenly developed a girlfriend in mid-March who moved in with him within a week after he left our home; the following week he wanted to introduce her to our 2 daughters and I strongly objected. Then he turned up at a kid's fishing event sponsored by the club at which he serves as Vice President, parading around with the girlfriend while the kids and myself were there. We had already discussed the fact that any girlfriends were to be kept away from the kids and that they were going to need a long period of adjustment. He had assured me the day before this event that the girlfriend would not be there. He promised me a certain amount of money (he is on SSDI) each month, but has now shorted me by $300 in April and May, saying he needs more money to live on than we do. He moved from the small apartment to a townhouse this month with his girlfriend. (Coincidentally, I have found out that the girlfriend has a long history of anxiety and depression and takes antidepressants.) He spent all of his money last month and was bumming money, food and toilet tissue from me by the middle of the month. Then, I found out that he didn't even make his truck payment last month and his new checking account was overdrawn. He went well over our allotted minutes on the cell phone, even though I informed him twice that he was doing it.(I finally had his phone suspended 2 days ago. We now owe over $600 on the cell phone bill!) He had collected membership dues and donations (cash and checks) for the sportsmen's club and will not turn them in. The club's president is now searching to find out if any of the checks have been cashed and if so, he will be pressing charges.

He seems so detached from what he is doing and from myself and our children, and even they realize how distant and distracted he is. He can't explain the spending, but says he didn't do it intentionally and he doesn't even know what most of the money was spent on. There is much more I could explain, but to make it shorter, he doesn't have rational answers for anything he's done and he told me the other day that I am evil and dirty because I am taking so much of his money, that I just want to hurt him and be vindictive and by hurting him, I'm hurting our kids, that I'm just angry because he left me. It's like he's done nothing wrong and I'm doing all of this to him. Also, physically, considering the arthritis in his knees, he is walking amazingly well, better than I've seen him walk in years. I had to talk him into going to his doctor's appointment (cardiologist) yesterday and I had to take him to it. I had taken a letter with details to this doctor the day before, hoping somehow to get him help. The doctor referred him to a new doctor, an internist, who will be sent the letter.

I'm 99.9% sure this is BPD, so my questions are: About how much longer might this episode last? Does anyone know what might trigger the end of a manic episode? Will there be signs of it ending or will it happen suddenly? When it does end, will he remember all he's done and see how wrong it was? Is it likely he will come down with a crash when he realizes what he's done to his life and perhaps be suicidal? Is it likely he will want to stay away or is it more likely he will want to come back? I know that no one can specifically answer these questions, but I'd like to know from others' experiences what the outcomes are more likely to be, so that myself and my children can be prepared for what's to come. In the space of a very short time our lives have been devastated and I think I am still in shock from it all. I need some advice and help here.

BP is Bipolar and BPD is Borderline Personality Disorder. Does your husband have one or the other or both? Who knows and you don't cause you are not a psychiatrist and neither am I. However, you do know that there is a problem and he is causing what you said was devastation in your life as well as your children's lives. You also said that he is taking an anti-depressant (Cymbalta). Anti-depressants can cause altered mood states even in folks who just have depression and not Bipolar or Borderline Personality. Is this a possibility? Possible. Still, you don't know but you do know that he moved out, has a girlfriend, has spent copious amounts of money, and has left you and your children in his dust. Still, you appear to cling to the hope that he has Bipolar or Borderline Personality Disorder and if so this would explain everything. Maybe but if he isn't willing to be properly evaluated by a psychiatrist and the psychiatrist actually diagnose him as such and then he be willing to undergo the treatment available you aren't going to be in any better shape than you are now. If anything, you'll be worse off. If he is going through mania, he will come down and likely hit some type of depression. Will it be bad depression? Who knows? What will it look like? Who knows? When will it happen? Who knows? Will he remember everything? He'll say he doesn't even if he does, will you believe him and who knows? Some do and some don't, it depends on the severity of the manic episode. It's all different to each person. What you need to figure out is what you are willing to live with and put up with and what your children deserve to live with and put up with. Once you do that, then you'll know.

Husband crashed into depression (and I do mean crashed) last week, cried and begged me to help him, couldn't believe all he had done to us and how he had hurt me and destroyed our family, wanted to die. He was admitted to hospital, put on watch and has been diagnosed as bipolar. Everyone has been thinking I was "clinging" to the hope that it was truly mental illness that drove him to do these things because I couldn't face that he was having a mid-life crisis and decided the grass was greener on the other side. I know this man much better than that and there was no logical explanation or any reason, even a small one, that would've made him turn his back on me and certainly not our children. Besides, I'm not the type to "cling" to anything. However, yes, I do know that I'm not willing to live with it or take a chance on this scenario playing out again. I know that I cannot put our children in a position to go through this again. Still, I love this man, and I've told him that I will be his best friend forever, but I need him to understand that we can't ever live together as husband and wife again. I don't want to make things harder for him, but I also don't want him holding onto false hope. He wants so badly to come back and swears to me it will never happen again. I told him that there's no guarantee of that and I would've never dreamed of it happening the first time. It breaks my heart because I always imagined us growing old together and I never thought in a million years that there was anything in this world that could destroy what we had. Anyway, now the biggest thing is cleaning up the mess and tying up loose ends for him. (The girlfriend is also bipolar, a drug addict, was caught shoplifting while they were together and apparently hustles men for a living from what I hear). So far his total spent in the last 2 months includes over $8,000 cash and $2,900 more we owe (overdrawn bank accounts, 2 payday loans, pawned items, utilities and rented furniture). We have nothing and are about to lose his truck and we're behind on the mortgage too. It's unbelievable that in such a short time so much has been destroyed. And, by the way, I had predicted that he would not have the money to buy his prescriptions this month and that he would come down from the mania when he stopped taking the Cymbalta. Right again.

And now, you know.
Being a "best friend" but not living within the same 4 walls isn't such a bad thing.
It's not to say that you and he can't have a future together or to not grow old together if that is what you both want (course it works out better if you BOTH want it). You may just have to go about it a bit differently than you thought originally. What you do, marriage wise, is completely up to you but thinking of what you and your children need and deserve in this lifetime is something I would give much consideration to. Whatever that is, after you give it much thought, will be something you'll also come to know.
Good Luck & Peace.