Bipolar Depression

Before all this and finding out I was bipolar, I had a risky life style I did drugs, I was promicuous, my behavior was dangerous. I was this vicious spiteful vindictive person who always had to get revenge at all cost. Now Im trying to lose those horrible persona about myself. Those words describe the person Im trying to fix. I am working so hard to not be that way but when I think back to my ex freinds who really betrayed me in the worst way that person wants to come out. That person hasnt but they keep doing things that are pushing the wrong buttons and before I would have never gave one thought into hurting them bad. But Im trying to lose that identity that everyone assumes will come out. And Im scared of that person because she is a danderous person. Has anyone else felt this way? If you have how do you deal with it? I struggle everyday with myself trying not to be that girl who explodes and shows that rage. I feel like Im one person with two different personalities. I just want help from people who struggle with the same things that Im struggling with? Please help me!!!

Kate your post sounds just like my husband 3 yrs. ago. Keep fighting and never give up. You need a whole army or support. Educate all friends/family members etc. about bp. Tell them not to ever hate you for the things you may say or do. Tell them to hate the illness and not take things personally. My husband is too far gone. He has given up on his struggles between right and wrong. He claims this is who he really is and he never wants to get back to his old loving self. The kids and I are torn apart and he has no clue or seems to not care. We are about to get divorced after 10 yrs. I know you are saying don't give up-take your own advise. Perhaps by you describing what you are going through can help me to understand what my husband goes through. He never talked to anyone about his inner struggles- now it seems like it is too late.

I know how you feel, Kate. Damnit I feel like I am at a Confessional, or something like that. When growing up and even to this day, I still feel anger at those who have(or I thought have) done me wrong in some way, shape or fashion. I can be mad at a person for YEARS, and never forgive them. I It eats at me every day breath air, and no matter what i do to try to get rid of those feelings. the vindictive, revengeful side of me thinks of ways to get back at them, to make myself feel better...and I WILL tell you this...alot of those ways are deadly(but i could never raise my hand to anyone) All the hurt and anger that I have ever felt eats at me everyday, and it stays on my mind. you would think, that 33 years old, that i would "leave the past behind"...but for some reason I cant. I shouldnt be even be telling people this, but I have to tell someone. like i have said in my first two posts a while back...I hide a lot of "stuff" inside of my head, and like you Kate, I went through all the stuff that you mentioned...risky lifestyle, etc, etc. Right now, I regret what I did, and God KNOWS that I am paying for it. While I am sharing this, I might as well a little else about what is going on with me. Here we go(God help me)

I believe a part of me is what you would call Fantasy Proness..Yes, even at 33 my head is always up in the clouds dreaming of worlds where i can be anyone and do anything with just the snap of a finger, and if i feel pain of any sort, my mind goes back to that "magical place", kind of like a "security blanket" for me. I sometimes even talk to myself AND answer myself(which i think can be scary)but i only do that in the privacy of my own room. I live with 2 other people, but i tell them nothing about whats going on with me. they wouldnt understand because they are judgemental of anyone. Am I a nutcase? Hell, MORE than likely! why cant i be normal like anyone else. I know we all carry "baggage" but sometimes I think I am worse off than anyone else. I wish there a pill that i could take that would make all my abnormalities go away permenately. I sit back and and depressed about how I am not in control of my life. It will take a MIRACLE from God to help me....But God doesnt strive with men like he did back in the days of Noah. No hope whatsoever.

Most of the time Im so scared of myself because what I could actually do to someone with all the rage and anger I feel inside. And I know if I keep holding everthing in Im going to explode but Im doing it because right now in my life I have other more important things to worry about and since you have been really open Ill tell you something that only one other person knows I he just found out yesterday.
To underestand everything I work with the goverment catching child predators online and the FBI gave me a labtop so I can record what men do to themselve while they think a young child is watching but this time a man raped a 14yr old girl and he thought I was a 13yr old boy. I have had over 140 men put in jail. So here is what I received a few days ago from this young girl and email now one of my minors is psychology and criminal justice and you learn to read deeper into things well how this young girl wrote this email is sounded suicidal and she wanted my help now to help her I had to dig into a past that I had buried for years.


This will never be easy for me to explain to you anyone not parents therapist nobody.
About my past with my ex I never told anyone this but it wasn’t pleasant at all I was young and he was 2yrs older than me and I always held in how much he hurt me even to this day. That email had to make me realize things that I lost in my mind and never thought about again. And when I got that email I had dream last night wasn’t very pleasant it felt so real like a was a child again that child who went to high school who hid all the bruises all over her body the child who would have hand marks between my legs from being forced opened. I never talked about it so I never really had to face the real pain until I read her email. I had to look into my past and remember what I have hidden for years to help her I had to find away to open all those old scares again and I’m not ready for that. I started doing drugs to get rid of all that pain I endured everyday of my childhood.
I look at my life now and how strong physically and mentally and how could I just let someone just take what he wanted from me without fighting back without telling anyone. Was I that weak? I just allowed someone to take advantage of me, to cause me to have all these feelings that I can try and bring out and stop hiding like it was my fault. For all these yrs he still had power and control over me because I held it all in. It was torture and caused me so much agony that I always felt dirty. I’ll always have that ashamed, embarrassed, and humiliation pain and I probably wouldn’t be the person I am today honest, and strong mentally and physically. There is no more scared little girl there is this woman who can be evil can be harmful and have malicious actions towards people who get on my bad side. But than there is this woman who would do anything for her friends and family and protect young kids from predators who got her strength from things I hide. But there will always be that person who will always feel empty. That part of my heart and soul that is always going to have a void in it. Now I have the power and control over me but it took so much and telling makes him less powerful over me. But getting this all out makes me angry and has so much rage that I want to go to his house and rape him in his ass and hurt him to the point where he has to be hospitalized.

Arthasolidor your post this morning was so clear. God will always be with you. Don't suffer anymore and go through this alone. Just this morning I really asked God what my purpose in life is. I have been conflicted upon facing a possible divorce from the man I love. I just continue to hope and pray that he opens up and does not suffer in silence anymore. Our lives paralleled each others probably since birth. I know I am to help him and be here for him. God trusts me with this now I must trust in myself. How can I get him to be truthful about all of his emotions and feelings? I know he is protecting me and the family. But your family and friends need to be your soldiers. Your spouse can be a general commander since you have spoken and recognized so clearly what is going on. Admission and acceptance are very hard. Even if you feel people don't understand you and you are all alone, once they get educated about bp and what you are going through all of their pains and worries will fade. It may seem like people hate you. But if they knew you were dealing with this illness they will realize that they can be angry and hateful that you have this illness. Only then will you realize that nobody really hated you- it was the illness. You sound like a very brilliant individual. You are so close to a break through!!!! Do not give up on yourself or others. I can only continue to pray that my husband will trust me enough to help him through this. After all, I now know the whole purpose of my life. If I lose him I will have failed God, my husband, my family, and myself. Pray for me as I will for you.

I have prayed to God and asked NUMEROUS times, " WHYYYY am i here? How can I bring you any honor and glory, be being so SCREWED UP?? Purpose..Well i have prayed to you time and time again, but i JUST DONT KNOW what it is! I shouldnt be here on this messed up planet. I never asked to be here, and have to suffer all life's negativities that are thrown at me. Years and years(assuming you dont take my life earlier)down the road, i will probably die, not knowing what it is that you really want me to do. You say you have all power in heaven and earth, well...HELP ME WITH THIS." that is my prayer to Him.


it seems that my words fall on deaf ears, and i know that Jesus' strength is made perfect in our weaknesses, but come on!! Sigh..part of me hates myself, who and what i have become, so why wont God help? I seriously dont know what He wants me to do.

Arthasolidor, You will never know how much you helped me with your being honest and truthful to yourself through your post. I am sure you have touched the lives of others in ways you will never understand. Your 2/13 post came into my life at a time that I needed it the most. Thank-you for being there. Do not give up. I know that you feel like this has been a life sentence but sometimes God's help comes through other's support and understanding. At least you are not in denial about everything you are feeling. You may be frightened to let others in. Have you ever tried talking to anyone about this? Do not be frightened to see a professional. Do not be frightened to see many, until you find the one that was put on earth here to help you. You are not alone. This website proves that there are so many out there feeling all alone. But coming together and sharing can get us all through this as you have done for me. I Thank-you again. You will never know the magnitude of your honesty that you shared with me. Take good care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. May you have a peaceful night. I hope I can someday help you in return.

you all are very nice and understanding. I feel that i have found a home here amongst people who are feeling what i am feeling, and going through what i am going thru(to a degree) God Bless you all.:-D

Good morning everyone! Did you know that if you smile it has been proven that chemicals are released in your brain to make you feel happy!!! Try it- drive down the road with a smile plastered on- do this for at least 10 mins. After a while you won't be doing it consciencely anymore and the world will look much brighter. Interested if this works for anyone else. Good Day

Everyone is so angry and including myself but Im starting to realize that the anger that we all show towards ourselfs but is only going to eat us alive. We need to stop asking why and start asking what we can do to make ourselves feel better. You ask God why me what have I done to deserve this lifestlye but God must have chose this for us for a reason. Arthasolidor God wants us to prove how strong of people we are to deal with this mental illness. And we are all strong enough to deal with this look deep into your soul for your strength because I learned a lot from the work that I have been doing and the anger and rage I feel for the things that have happened to me but you are going to have to let go thats the only way to become stronger.
"it seems that my words fall on deaf ears, and i know that Jesus' strength is made perfect in our weaknesses, but come on!! Sigh..part of me hates myself, who and what i have become, so why wont God help? I seriously dont know what He wants me to do." This is what you said God strength doesnt come from our weakness but our strengths he wants us to prove to him that we can handle anything that falls in our life. God wants you to help yourself he doesnt want you to take the easy way out by him fixing the wrongs, we have to fix our own wrongs in life that in itself will show God how you honor him.

This world is messed up and I have friends in Iraq who I pray for everyday for there safety.

"God wants you to help yourself he doesnt want you to take the easy way out by him fixing the wrongs, we have to fix our own wrongs in life that in itself will show God how you honor him."

if we can and should fix our wrongs ourselves then we wouldn't need God. i don't know but, i would think God would want us to need him. as long as we cry out to him, we are talking to him, and we have our attention on him, and well we may believe he will help us. if we fix things ourselves most normally do not do as God would want us to anyway and we would be satisfied with what we did and God wouldn't have had any hand in it. my intrepretation only.

The girl you described is me. I used to just think I was a bi*** but deep down I confounded people because I was helpful and good UNTIL I had to crush someone for real or perceived insults. Thank God I am charming and many people listened when I said "I am in a mood please leave me alone.'

The men in my life rarely listened. the ones I really cared about rarely suffered because I would take all the rage out on others. The ones I just had sex with: suffered. Not a nice person. As a result of my "temper" I have suffered years of guilt and shame-good, fertile ground fro the depressive episodes. Noone could ever be as cruel to me as me.

I dont know..i think i got you beat in that department. i think i am more down on myself than anyone that i have ever known. today my mind ONCE AGAIN went back to things that happened to me years ago while i was at work. i started feeling mad and irritated at me, and the whole world. i felt like killing someone, just to make myself feel better. I just froze....i am sure the people that were looking were wondering what was wrong with me...and like i said before i dont tell ANYONE ANYTHING that is happening with and to me...if they heard my story, they would also be in tears. Tell me this.. have you ever been mad for no apparent reason at all??? Made up scenarios in your mind, dealing with people you know at one time that you hurt you in some way, shape or fashion...KNOWING...that you were never hurt in the way you are thinking right now, and/or just thinking about it to make you feel that this is the only way you can make yourself feel better? See...told you I am totally FUCKED UP!.along with 2 health issues(which wont be discussed...yet?) that i know I can take meds for..one has to wonder how much more God(if there is one. i am starting to lose my faith little by little with all the bullshit that is happening to me.)God will put on my shoulders before i break...

Arthasolidor, so glad to see you are back. I was wondering if you would continue to post. Your story has helped me the most to understand what my husband may be going through. About the meds- have you tried any? Do research on line before, during, and after meds are prescribed. What if by taking some you feel 110% better? Wouldn't that be great. If/when you start I heard it is a great idea to keep a mood journal so that your meds can be adjusted properly. Be proud that you are so honest to yourself and to other people through your posts. Perhaps if/when you could see a psychologist you will feel comfortable discussing things. Eventually you will have a better understanding of everything and be able to open up to family and friends and educate them about your ails. You mentioned 2 conditions. Do you feel comfortable posting about one or the other. I bet there are many others who might even have the same conditions as yourself. I still am in shock how many spouses stories I read that so closely resembles mine. Even though my non-diagnosed bp spouse is so detached and has abandoned me emotionally I don't feel alone anymore after I found this site. Like I said Arthasolidor your posts have helped me in so many ways emotionally. Thank you so much. Take good care of yourself. God hasn't abandoned you, so don't give up on yourself. You sound like a very strong person- but don't go through this alone. Take care of yourself and don't forget to smile Goodnight