Cynthia
I’m not a professional so I can’t say if you are Bipolar, post partum or something else. What I can say for sure is that if you hide from this and avoid the possible outcomes, you will only cause more harm. My story is below.
I was hiding for years. I was ashamed, embarrassed and scared. My mother was BP and she died when I was 12. To somehow rationalize those 12 years and her death, I just believed she was nuts, crazy and unbalanced.
When I came clean and was honest, the professionals we able to help me. I now have a life I never thought possible. Had my mother been properly diagnosed in the early 70’s, she would have been limited in treatment options. Today there are a whole host of very good and available meds. I now see my mother as a loving and caring person who suffered from a mental illness – just like I do. My mental illness is very treatable and I can continue on.
Finally, If you are BP – So be it. If your not, So be it. A rock is a rock and a bird is a bird. You can’t change a rock into a bird. Rocks will never fly and you can’t use birds to make concrete. In your journey, know that there are many support groups, web sites, message boards, blogs, books, therapists, etc… You are not alone and you are not the only BP person. I’ve learned that every day.
Dave
My Story
For years I felt alone in my suffering but have found my story not uncommon.
I am a 42 year old father of four, who has been married twice. I was not diagnosed bipolar until this year, and I will explain why.
As a teen I had many swings which were normally attributed to "being teen," except I did things others wouldn't consider. For one example, in the 10th grade I skipped 2 weeks of school in a row - just because I didn't feel like going.
I did finally graduate and joined the Marine Corps - wanting to make a drastic and improved change in my life. I learned electronics and eventually stayed in for 9 years, but still had to deal with severe mood swings. During this time is when my nastier symptoms came to light.
Sometimes my manic comes as euphoric glee, but most of the time it manifests in anger and rage. I don't want to get too graphic, but there was serious physical and mental abuse towards my 1st wife and my children. My 1st wife left and I was given custody of my children. When I met my 2nd wife I thought everything would be fine now – I have my soul mate. In time, it again reared its ugly head. Through this entire time I was able to "stay under the radar." I was never arrested or talked to by school officials.
I knew there was an issue I needed help with and I sought it many times. I told my primary physician I was getting "irritated a lot" (a mellow euphemism for what was really happening) and he prescribed me Paxil - which seemed to help but I took it for way too long (5 years). I went to a counseling service through work and they referred me to voluntarily enter a 52 week program for abusers and batterers. I did this several times and would attend until the questions and issues became “too dicey” or “too close to home”. I was ashamed of what was happening and scared of CPS and Law Enforcement, so I would hide again.
Finally on July 1st there was yet another outburst of rage towards one of my children. My wife demanded that I go to the hospital voluntarily or she would have me sent 5150. I crashed hard and said "Sure, I'll go back a Bag". We have a very scenic view from our home and I remember looking out at the pine tree covered valley and saying to myself "I'm really going to miss this." I went into then next room and took the clip for the 22 rifle and was ready to load it -- my intentions were to end the cycle of violence forever. My wife came in and we packed a bag together. I was admitted and stayed in the hospital for 10 days.
I came totally clean and was fully honest with everyone and was finally diagnosed Bipolar (with a rapid cycle). I was placed on Valpuric Acid and Prozac. I haven't felt this good in years - maybe my whole life. I continue now with therapy, self study and DBSA meetings.
It was a vicious cycle. I knew I needed help, but wasn't honest of what was happening. I was then treated for depression and not Bipolar. The more antidepressants I was given, the more my manic ramped up.
As a final note - CPS and Law Enforcement were notified and I was interviewed, along with my children and wife. Because there were no physical marks etc. ... from my last rage attack, the reports state that the incident was "inconclusive." My children are still at home and as of this writing I am 58 days violence free - no yelling, no hitting, and no inappropriate anger. For years I hid and dodged so I wouldn't be exposed. As a result my entire family and I suffered unnecessarily. My children are all in therapy now and they will have a better shot at normalcy than I did.
My anger is justified, but how I express it is what really counts.
Bipolar Community 
