Bipolar Depression

I didn't connect the dots. My husband of over 30 years is dyslexic, of course, undiagnosed in the 60's. He also, I believe is ADD. His core is a superior being, an amazing man, however, the dark side, is uncomprehensible. I am not sure, but, apparantly depression due to economic pressures and constant battles between us, have increased his already existing symtoms of insomnia, being emotionally controlling, obsessive about work and home and now adding to that list is paranoia. He feels that everyone is talking about him or about our son. He has bridled us away from family and friends, as we are more controllable that way, I assume. My son was diagnosed ADHD (minus the H) as a pre-teen this unstable environment is damaging beyond belief. I don't know how to deal with this situation any longer. I have tried to reason with him. Of course, he doesn't have anything wrong. I don't solely blame him, as we all have faults. I am willing to seek help and he is not. We have had a volatile relationship for many years. He went through counseling for DV, however, it doesn't last when you don't use the coping mechanisms. I fear what he would do if we left. Any amazing words of wisdom for me?

I don't know if my words of wisdom will be amazing or helpful. You sound like a strong person, though. You have coped a long time. I have also raised a son with ADHD (he is now 32), and am married to a man who is recently diagnosed with BP2. I thought he was ADHD or something, but finally we have a correct diagnoses. My husband is not my son's father. My son is doing fantastically, and I raised him alone. I am married only 1 year (together about 3), and this is my first marriage. Anyway, my husband's symptoms were a challenge, but manageable. I was in love..still am. However, recently he went off the rails in such a huge way, I knew I had to leave him if he did not get and continue with treatment. I said I thought he had BP disorder ( my mother had it, although it was not recognized as such back then..I have a counselling degree, so it looked like this to me). I said he had to get a diagnoses of some kind, or the marriage was off. Although he is also a wonderful man, very good and strong, his symptoms would make my life a hell, and I do not choose to live like that. It is not abuse on purpose (no violence, but words hurt), but on the receiving end it still damages. He got to a doctor, got the diagnoses, and is on lithium for about 6 weeks now. So far, so good. Although nothing is perfect. He has better and worse days. I am hoping that treatment works. I know if he goes off lithium , I will leave him. Untreated BP disorder is impossible to live with. But treated, it has a great prognosis. Especially BP2. I would suggest that you take care of your child and yourself first, and if your husband is willing to get on (and stay on) treatment, then decide if it is going to work for you. YOur child, of course, is the #1 priority. We get married, and we think *in sickness and in health*, but that includes your own and your child's health. It is not unloving to take care of your needs. To make boundaries, and to insist. since I pushed this matter, my husband has finally made the move to get help. He is a strong contender, if you know what I mean. I had to leave him first. And if I had a younger child, I would not have come back and taken the chance. It's too confusing even for me..a grown up..with life skills and knoweldge. For a child .. even more intense. It's a super personal decision. I hope you can have a happy life and your husband can get the help he deserves and needs.

Well....A month has passed and things remain the same. Manic episodes that appear out of nowhere, physical violence (or threats thereof), and verbal abuse are a constant. Control, Control, Control. Does anyone ever experience the emotional rise and fall and then once the outbursts occur, a calm resides? It is that calm that I would like to envelope. Unfortunately, it is usually following some sort of manic issue. My financial situation has me tied to my present situation. Upon settlement of some prior business contracts, I feel I must remove myself and my son from this situation. It worries me, the lengths of what he will do, for revenge. He now spends time planning how to "pay back" anyone that has hurt him or his family. Misdeamor acts. Juvenile acts. We cannot be subject to his mind games any longer. Any ideas on how to remove myself and not put myself or my son in harms way?

Hi there

Yes..the highs and lows are as you describe. There is such intense anger and hurt..then the unwell person acts as if it is all just fine. If he was not bi polar, we would call it abuse. The ONLY difference is this : the bi polar person recognizes his/her illness and get sn(and stays in) treatment. Untreated, there is NO WAY it can work out. You would have to be willing to take this craziness for the rest of your life. I think youhave hurt a lot. I know. My husband is in treatment, and it is still very very hard work. I often think about whether or not it is worth it, whether it can work, and when he will refuse treatemnt (most bi p people will refuse at some point). It is a huge chance. Your husband is not showing you what you need .. to be able to stay. I hope youcan get where you need to go .. stay safe.. and have PEACE. This is not about bashing bi polar people .. I understand and feel such tremendous compassion fot this. But, I also realize the partners of these unwell people are left to the sidelines .. no one is asking us how hard it is to stay. I truly wish you all the best .. keep osting if you like, since I read almost daily here. I need supports and reading what others have to say keeps me in the world of support ..

Also, as for getting out safely .. my thoughts are this:

Make a plan. Do NOT tell him. Do it quietly when he is not near by, and you have enough hours all in a row to exit. Get someone to help you, someone you can trust completely. Do not go into isolation on the matter of getting help. If he has threatened you, tell your doctor and tell the police. Get it documented. You can also get a police escort, if you cannot do this any other way. However, if you want all of your stuff, a police escort will not give you time to pack all that. Once removed from him, be where he cannot reach you. This means unlisted phone number. This means you need friends and family or someone to HELP you. You are obviously feeling threatened, or even being hurt. Money is important, but you cannot risk your safety. You can deal with the financila part once you are safe. Prioritize. I know you prob love him. I know you wish he was well. I know he might even take that time to say he will change and all of that. But, truly..if you are at risk (it sure sounds like you are), you MUST get out and get safe. You can go to a transition house. Plan it. Call police, tell them you need safety, ask them to connect you to the transition house, and arrange to go there. They will help you. It is not home, I know. It is not fair either. But you need safety. YOu can do this .. Just do not underestimate asick person who is planning revenge and pay back. Please get your child and your self out before it is too late. God Bless.