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I am new here. I have been concerned about my son's anger and outbursts toward me for quite some time now. I am a single mom and his Dad lives 3 hrs. away and won't hear of the possibility of a mental illness. His brother (my son's Uncle) was dx with BP several yrs. ago. It was amazing what the meds did for him - he was a responsible, rational person. He really got his life together.However, I just found out he stopped taking his meds, and his life is going back downhill.So much for the "talk" I was going to have him have with my son to explain that it's nothing to be ashamed of, and how much better he felt once he started on meds, etc. His Dad's answer to everything when I call him upset crying and a few times scared - mainly for my son more so than myself, is to just "call the police and kick him out".He was a 1st Lt./Medic in the Army, and is not ignorant to BP. He's in denial, I know, but I need his support and help!My Mom and Brother-in-law are wonderful supporters, but this is "our" son! Anyway, I'll get straight to the point now. I'm so exhausted and stressed and worried and I want to do everything I can for my son and I will. I will never give up on him. Never. I'm pretty sure it's BP and have educated myself pretty well on the illness. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for many years, and have a pretty good Therapist right now. I'm now 38. I guess my biggest question is what do I do? He's 19 - I can't make him get help. He's a very, good kid/young adult. No drinking, no drugs, and has a few close friends.Other than his yelling and cussing at me there are no other major issues. I show him as much love as I can, and we've had 1 conversation about BP which of course didn't go very well. He's just so angry and frustrated all the time and I know he could feel so much better but how do I talk to him and put it in a way where he'll at least think about it and not yell at me to leave his room. He has said some horrible things to me. BP is the only thing that makes any "sense" to me. Of course, I'm praying it's just an anger issue but I don't want to be naive and blind. He works with my brother-in-law, and is working towards a degree in Computer Science. He has a promising future with the company my brother-in-law works for, and a job will be there for him. I know I can't make it all better. I know he's going to learn some things the hard way. However, I know my son is unhappy. I know he's depressed. Not so much that he can't work or spend any time with friends, but the boy I raised/know seems to be gone sometimes, and I just want to see him smile more. He hurts me so badly with his words, but I know it's the illness whether it's BP or depression only. I'm somewhat confused, or is it denial? I will do anything to help him. I thank you in advance for any advice, any direction, anything you can tell me that may help him. Anything that may help me, too, so I can be strong for him. It's so hard because I'm very depressed and going through some tough times myself but I cannot imagine how horrible he feels to be yelling and cussing at me almost every day. He doesn't always yell, but there is so much anger. He's not happy with himself, and the year after High School graduation is stressful enough, but he's only 19 and hasn't experienced some of the things/situations life teaches us that makes us realize we're only human, and it's ok. He's always been very hard on himself. It's 3:30 a.m. here, and I just realized how long this is! I hope I'm making some sense here. I need your experiences/help so badly. I'm so scared for him. He's my only child and I love him so much. So glad I found this site!
Hi and I'm sorry for your pain. I don't have a lot of experience with BP, but have you looked into Borderline Personality Disorder? Check out the symptoms and see if any of them match your son's condition. Then again, it may be an anger management issue, like you suspect. He may also just be "acting out" because of his lack of a close relationship with his father. Maybe his dad can take custody for a while and see if he improves. From what I have read, sometimes teenagers act out when they are unhappy and not having a same sex parent around to relate to may exacerbate the problem. Like I said, I'm no expert, but I wanted to answer your post. I hope you are able to discern the problem and rectify it soon. Your son is lucky to have such a caring mother.
Posts: 154 | Location: u.s. | Registered: 11-17-2007
This is a late response, as I am new to this site. I have a similar issue with my 19yr. old daughter. Maybe we can talk. I feel your pain. All I can say is know that it is not you.
I am scared too. Maybe we can help eachother. Barbara
I also have a 19 year old son. After seeing 4 different counselors since age 12, he was finally diagnosed with bipolar just this summer.
My son's episodes come out as raging. He also rages mostly at me and used horrible language while in an episode. I also have an almost 3 year old daughter--my son loves his sister, but does not even consider how he hurts her with his yelling, screaming, swearing, punching holes in walls, slamming doors, etc. I have had to lock myself and her in my room to keep her away from him (he most often rages when he is home during the day when it's just me and my little one home).
His illness has gotten so much worse in the last 2 years. He met his first girlfriend, and he made her his new "addiction". She is just as sick as he is! They both threaten each other with suicide if they feel the other is about to leave the relationship. She introduced him to pot. He has treated me worse than ever since he began going out with her.
Things he has done since his bipolar/pot use got out of control? Took my credit card and charged 1500.00. Took items of ours and pawned them. Pawned off anything that meant anything to him-his computer he bought for college, his bass guitar he paid a fortune for, his camera he once took beautiful photos with, stole his dad's penny collection he'd had since he was a kid, and more recently broke into a locked box hidden in my closet and stole a LOT of cash (which he won't admit he did). That's just a partial list!
This summer, things were so out of control that I had to call 911 two times, bring him to the hospital myself one time, and call the police to find his car and check on him after he took off in a rage and talking suicidal.
I FINALLY put my foot down last week when I found out he stopped taking his bipolar meds he was put on in the hospital in June. I told him that he had a week to find another place to live. The week was up on Friday, so he has been gone 3 nights now. He says he is sleeping in the car. I gave him a list of resources to call to get himself help. He doesn't want help.
I told him that if he gets help for himself, gets back on his meds, finds a psychiatrist, a psychologist, goes to a recovery program with me and his dad, and stays stable, that he is welcome to come home. I've tried to explain how his behavior has affected all of us--especially his little sister. She has changed so much in the last few months. She is very sensitive to loud noises, can't handle if anyone's voices sound mad, and is always trying to make sure that Mommy is happy. It's very sad to hear her cry and scream for one of us to stop talking if she even thinks we are going to argue--she used to be so carefree and fun and happy.
I also feel like my son is not there anymore. He is able to look me directly in my eyes and lie to me. He is very convincing. I always want to believe what he says, but then feel so stupid for believing him. My husband doesn't believe a word he says anymore.
The last 911 call was in June, and my son ended up in the psych ward for 10 days, then sent to a treatment residence for a month because of what was found in his tox screen. He actually was doing so well once he got on depakote, was not self-medicating with drugs, and broke up with his rotten girlfriend when he found out she cheated on him while he was in the hospital. He was the kid I remembered being so sweet and loving and respectful! But, the day he got out of treatment? The first thing he did was get back together with his skanky girlfriend, and hang out with the same friends---which he promised he would not do! Then, because of our reaction to his behavior, he ran away for a few days. Came back like nothing ever happened. The cycle is unending.
My kicking him out is long overdue. Letting him live here and act the way he has, and do the things he has done, was just enabling him. There was no reason for him to change. Now, hopefully he will open his eyes and see the damage he and his untreated illness has caused our family. My 15 year old daughter is angry and cries a lot because of what he has done. My 18 year old son wants to move out because he can't handle all the drama. My husband works more to avoid seeing our son. Our family has become very dysfunctional. I need to get help for myself for co-dependency. I have not helped the situation much because I have such a hard time separating being a mom who loves her son no matter what, and doing what is best for him.
All we can do now is pray for our son to stay safe, and put aside any fear or pride he has and make those those phone calls to get help. I am truly very weary and tired of the raging, the lies, the stealing, the calls to police, the grief and tears over his talk of suicide. I can't make him want help. I can't force help on him. It's time to let go, and to get the rest of my family and me healthy.
I love him and I will always love him no matter what--but, I HATE BIPOLAR!!
Dear Sheri, I would send you a private message , but not sure how. I want to let you know you are not alone. My son is 18 and diagnosed just 4 mons. ago. Everything you have talked about is my life exactly. The damage he has done to all of us is horrible. I have a 22yr and 16yr old, daughters, they have suffered enough, along with my husband and myself. The only difference is he has a wonderful girlfriend. She has been able to talk to him when we could not. He has been on the meds for 4 mons. and we have seen some changes, but he continues to use pot and alchol. He will go for a month or so not using and then for no reason start using again. He is so horrible when he is using, raging swearing etc.. My husband and I are at our wits end, We are considering telling him if he is not serious about this, we are going to have to let go and let him figure this out on his own. This scares me to death. We are at the end of our rope. I too, love my son like no other, he can be sweet, sensative and kind, but he will turn on a dime. He has also stole money, and our gas card and put over 700.00 in 3 weeks. He won't get a job, but he is attending college. He has 3 classes, and I he says he is doing well. He can manipulate me like no other. I get so angry and frutrated, my husband does not believe a word he says either. I have a hard time, wondering if I am helping him or just prolonging his denial of his illness. I know he knows deep inside he has this, but he is still struggling with acceptance of it. I quess, until he ready to fully accept this, he will continue to this way. My husband and I and our daughters are going to see a family therapist, we have got to know what we can and cannot do for him. I know my daughters want him out, and this hurts. They don't really understand this illness, we have tried to explain. They feel he just gets aways with everything, and our home life is completly disfunctional. They need to voice thier opions and maybe come to some understanding of this. I know I need some help also, I can't let him distroy our family, I know I enable him too. I just really wanted you to know you are not alone, I had a kind mother who has reached out to me, I wanted to do the same for someone else. Please contact me anytime. I am right there with you! Kland
Hi Kland, I tried to send you a private message, but, it says I don't have permission!
Thank you so much for your post! It does help to know I am not alone. It is so hard to believe all this is happening! My other kids, too, think like yours--that my bipolar son just gets away with whatever he does or says. They both have only really seen a full blown raging episode one time. Which was good, because I don't think they really believed my description! I'm always put in the middle because neither of them will talk to him anymore, so if he takes something of theirs (and he doesn't think twice about taking what he wants from their rooms), they want ME to deal with it! I am so tired of being in the middle--my husband won't even talk to him--if my son does something wrong, my husband tells ME about it!
Anyway...if you'd like to contact me, my email is sheri@schreiber1.com. I'd like to compare and talk about our situations--it does help to get it out!
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